from zero to rage.

i don’t know what to do with myself sometimes. lately both boys have been waking up before the crack of dawn,  before the sun has woken up, before it’s natural. slowly we tromp down the stairs and munch on our cereal. the kids are fine, but i’m like a zombie barely able to keep my eyes open, blinking away the fuzzies of the night, anxiously waiting for my coffee to brew. 

today was a tough day for us. we were up at dawn and by the afternoon i had a pair of whiny kids on my hands. i tried to keep my cool by caffeinating myself through-out the day, maintaining my own blood sugars at a reasonable level by snacking on fruit or nuts and by ensuring the kids needs are met before the inevitable sh*t hits the fan. 

by the time dear hubby got home this evening the boys and i were all feeling the weight of our tiredness. bear didn’t want to eat the cod chowder i made (which was amazing btw) and lion’s bum had exploded in a rash just before dinner (again). i barely spoke as i could feel my exhaustion turning to rage  under my skin. i can still feel it as i type this, and the guys are all upstairs having a bath. 
lion ate some blue chalk. then he barfed.
then he nursed.

it’s the nonsense that is brought nightly to the dinner table, the kicking of my chair. saying the food is “yucky”. it’s the daily fights that start in the morning with getting dressed, of getting teeth brushed and getting out the door on time. there’s the BS with car seats, with grabbing toys from lion’s tiny hand, with spitting and screaming in lion’s face… i could go on. you get the point.

today i feel like i have had enough. i feel like i could walk through that door and not look back.
please don’t judge me, until you have walked a mile in my shoes or lived a day in my world. 


xo, mama lola
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  1. Miranda G says

    Ahh my dearest friend. I feel your emotion, both in your words, but in myself. Motherhood is so so challenging, and I am so glad that you have this outlet.

  2. Melissa N. says

    Oh Julia, I feel your pain!

    No judgement here… except when I think that I could leave and not look back, I visualize myself leaving with a bottle of vodka;)

    We”ll have to do a play date soon btw! Or drinks at the Symposium! Or Both

    Love your blog by the way. You manage to eloquently describe the beauty and challenges of motherhood that we all face!

  3. says

    No judging here, I just posted an old post about these days, well weeks, on my blog. It’s an old one but felt the need to repost it. Hang in there. Soon enough they’ll be able to get their own cereal and you get more sleep.

  4. says

    I’ve been meaning to come by and check you out and this is the first post I read. Mama,there is not a mother out here that hasn’t felt this way. if they say they haven’t, they are lying. I’ve blogged about it too. I love this kind of honesty in blogging. It’s real. You will find no judgment from me 🙂 And I’ll definitely be back.

    PS: from one toddler nursing mama to another, how bad was the blue chalk boob? 😉

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