weekend guilt.

my computer is STILL getting fixed. and now to my shock and horror the lense on my nikon is not working, so i have basically stopped taking pictures. technology and i just don’t get along!


it feels as though every day i fight the same fights with my three year old. every morning it starts with getting dressed and then it’s about getting shoes or boots on to go outside and then it’s about tidying up….. lately though things have gotten worse and this weekend i lost it. this mama of a pressure cooker lost her cool in a shameful way. every time i asked bear to do something he sat there on the floor and whined and did nothing. i tried threatening him, bribing him and nothing worked. i wanted to go to the new micheals in town and since we’re almost out of paint, i told bear we could go and buy some new ones. he shook his head and said “no. i don’t want to.” really? what kid does not want go and buy new paints? i was flabbergasted.
i just don’t understand the necessity to repeat each of these fights. i mean, i get it; it’s all about power and control and we’re both fighting for it. and i get that he’s feeling overwhelmed by all of the independence he has discovered as of late, but, c’mon, surely we don’t have to fight about getting shoes on every single effing day.
or maybe we do.

but this weekend clarified for me that i have lost my mothering ways in all of this. i have lost my solid ground as i am losing my cool too quickly. i need to revisit some of my parenting books, for the reminders i need to stay focused and present at the task at hand. when i point fingers and shout and say stupid things like “because i said so” (which is the dumbest thing to say in my opinion), i immediately feel guilty and like the worst mother on this planet. and as that self-hatred boils hotter inside of me, i shout a wee bit louder and emphasize my point even that much more. augh. this is not the kind of mama i want to be, even during my weakest moments.
i wish i was stronger. i wish i could climb into an armoured suit during some of these daily battles as a way to protect myself, but ultimately to protect my bear from the reaction he receives from me. the suit would hide my rageful face and silence my screams.
i went to bed feeling alone and empty.

this image is grainy and blurry; not sure if that’s blogger or the laptop i’m on. sorry. but, bear built this amazing barn with me and then wrote out a stop sign for the entrance, so funny!

this morning, to my delight i received a warm sunny call from a darling friend. it was as if she had heard the upset thoughts racing through my mind and decided to touch base. and that was exactly what i needed, to touch base and get grounded in my mothering. my friend talked me through the weeks events and listened to me vent as i complained about the struggles i have been dealing with.
after her words of wisdom, i felt stronger and wanted to have a better sunday than we had had saturday. we did a wee bit of christmas shopping, ran a few errands and actually had fun as a family while doing some mundane things.


then, there is tremendous guilt i feel for even complaining about my family and my life. at least i am alive, here and present at this time to mother. about a week ago a woman. jenna morrison, was killed while biking to pick up her son from school. she was 38 years old, a yoga instructor, a wife and five months pregnant. her death has been on my mind a great deal, even though the accident happened in toronto, but because she could have been a friend of mine or me. People I know could have had to contact lamber goodnow to get a case filed, and it could have been anyone I know. this is what so many of us mamas do, we travel back forth between schools, parks, grocery stores, doing what we do to care for our families never really thinking something like this can happen. her death was tragic.

there will be ghost ride for jenna tomorrow morning in toronto. please attend if you can.and demand your own community to create safer roads for cyclists.
stay safe.

xo, mama lola
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