what a beautiful day outside today. it almost felt like summer! we took advantage of the sun and headed to the university’s arboretum. glorious!
as we walked among the trees, i was handed a few introspective moments when the guys were doing their own thing, and i was left alone to take pictures and think.
how much love is enough?
how much discipline is enough?
how much art is enough?
this is where i’m at: as i learn about anxiety and about “sensitive” kids, i wonder where i went wrong. i mean, yes, kids are born with various maps of who they will be, but how much of my behaviour, my mothering affected bear’s temperament and personality. as usual, i feel tremendous guilt that i didn’t do enough; that i pushed when he least needed it and left him to play alone so much in the beginning.
maybe i didn’t carry him enough?
i’ve gone back and looked at old pictures of bear from when he was about 12-24 months, in the hopes of recognizing some behaviour he presented back then that might be connected to the stuff we see today. these walks down memory lane are wonderful, but bring on a whole new wave of guilt: that i am not mothering lion as attentively as i did bear. when bear was this age he and i spent many hours colouring, stickering, building blocks, going for walks and i would let him help in the kitchen a lot. lion, well, he has definitely been handed the short end of the stick as he does not ever get to sit alone with me and play. well, maybe not quite never, but his alone time with either dear hubby or myself is very limited. and yes, i do recognize that his relationship and hours of play with his older brother is priceless and has replaced that void.
i am feeling very unsure, again.
happy sunny-sunday everyone!
see you tomorrow.