am i enough? am i doing enough?

[ i didn’t post anything yesterday. it was a busy and when i got home after zumba and yoga at 9:45pm, i could feel my body getting sick. instead of blogging, dear hubby and i watched thirtysomething while i sipped hot tea.]

so, often i wonder if i am balanced in my mothering with the boys. it is clear that each child has experienced a very, very different first couple of years, which i think, is neither here not there. but, my concern is, have i given enough of myself to my youngest, lion. we attachment parent and try to be mindful about the choices we make as parents, not just following the norm. although, lion and i co-slept longer and he’s still nursing (only about once or twice a day) it feels as though my bond with him is not as tight as the one bear and i had at that stage. 

is it because with bear i only had one child pour myself into?
now i have two, and with my health issues i have perhaps, become more selfish?
does any of this matter? both of my little dudes is healthy and developing wonderfully.

for the first two years of bear’s life it was just the two of us during the day, with lots of extra time with dear hubby as well, since he was a student back then. the three of us would get into all sorts of adventures and fun things. now with two, i feel like the flexibility of one kid is long gone, but as the kids get older they need more predictability and consistency. spontaneous adventures are hard to figure out these days, also because dear hubby works at a regular nine to five job.  

when i am at home with just the boys, they play together and leave me out of it. they only need me when a disagreement arises (which is often) and if the other kid is away at preschool or napping and the one ho is alone does not want to be alone. they play nicely together and obviously enjoy each other’s company a lot, which is amazing to watch. my heart melts hen i see them busy with a game of sorts.

but when bear was this age, he and i would colour together, do all sorts of sticker creations and other little projects, but i worry that lion is not getting that same focused time with me. as a stay at home mama, it feels as though there is an endless river of hours to spend with ones kids, but truth be told, there really aren’t. sometimes it feels like, because i am an at home mama, i should be doing more with the kids (whatever more means), but we constrained by naps, meal times and the two outside of the home activities bear participates in.

how do i know i am enough?
how do i know that what i am doing is enough?

i would love to hear from you and how you handle loving, caring, and nurturing more than one child. 
xo, mama lola
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  1. says

    I’m sure you are just enough for both of them.

    One thing that came to my mind as I read this is that the younger one might be trying to be more independent like his older brother who I’m sure he adores. If that is the case, and the older one does not want to be doing the coloring and what not with you anymore, the younger one may not want to do those things with you either.

    • says

      you’re right, my youngest is certainly determined to be JUST like his older brother. he also wants to be WITH his older brother at all times. it’s beautiful bond.
      but, what’s a day of mothering without guilt or worry!

  2. says

    You know I often wonder the same thing about my two kids. It is hard being a mom of two. I can’t imagine how these ladies do it that have 3,4, or 5. If they struggle in school, I do my best to help but feel it is my personal failure if they don’t succeed. This post really struck a chord with me tonight as I wonder if what I do is enough. Amazing that we are both thinking about it today. Great post.


  3. says

    I enjoyed your article. I am sure lots of mom’s feel the same way. My mom had 6 of us. I was the oldest, and looking back, I can honestly say she gave us all she could and that we needed. There were not enough hours in the day for each of us to be the “focus” of her attention as much as I am sure she wanted. We all turned out great. I am sure your sons feel you devotion and love. (They are adorable….)

    • says

      wow 6! i lift my hat to your mom!
      i guess i need to remind myself that i am not an unlimited supply of mothering; i too have limits and needs that need my attention.
      thanks for sharing.

  4. says

    This one: “because with bear i only had one child pour myself into”. It’s definitely different when you have to spread the love. I’ve actually realized that I subconsciously don’t LET myself be quite as close to my 2 1/2 year old boy as I was with my daughter, although I love him just as much. Yes, we’re still cosleeping and nursing (actually now longer than my daughter did), but there is really something to that bond with the first child and all the time you spend with the first child without interruption.

    You are doing wonderfully. And it is always good to be a little selfish. It helps everyone in the long run, especially if there are special circumstances.

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