this is a tough post to write, it feels much more personal than all of the ones i have shared here about mothering or even the ones about my brain tumour. i suppose, because my tumour and my mothering are really about me. my marriage is about me AND dear hubby.
so, here goes…
even as a little girl i knew i would be married one day. when i met dear hubby over ten years ago at treeplanting, up in the woods of northern ontario, i knew we would be married one day. there was something about him. something about the way that we clicked and felt real, instead of just right. for me, the biggest attraction was the fact that dear hubby never ever pretended to be someone he was not. and to this day, he doesn’t lie or exaggerate about who he is.
if you’ve been reading here regularly, you’ve become quite familiar with the various struggles that life has thrown our way in the past few years. our struggles aren’t worse than anyone elses, but they have been quite overwhelming and exhausting for us, as they placed tremendous pressure on our marriage. it is so easy to find excuses not to do something, especially when that something is emotionally demanding and not just something you can just run to the grocery store and pick up. i am sad to admit that our relationship has borne the brunt of our mutual neglect. it has been overshadowed by all the other things that appeared more pressing at the time. and to some degree, yes babies in incubators and tumours on pituitary glands do need immediate attention, but the truth is that we were too caught up in everything else to acknowledge what was happening to us. our marriage. and, to ourselves. i’ve heard horror stories of couples growing apart over such awful circumstances and they simply fall out of love and end up filing for a divorce. i get it. these circumstances are not the easiest to live through, let alone love through, but i noticed what was happening soon enough to do something about it.
now, as the kids are getting older and gaining incredible independence, it is easier to step away and focus on each other. we have come to a shocking realization that we have let our relationship go. we didn’t have the energy or the presence of mind to include our marriage on the to do list so, for a few years we just coasted; surviving through our family’s health crisis’ and other major stressors, by ignoring the very thing that had brought us together in the first place.
when dear hubby and i met we were young and foolish and cute and naive. now, we have lost some of the naivete, are not nearly as foolish or young for that matter. and the cute, well, it’s more wrinkly and jaded. that being said, the change in how we perceive the world, live in it and thrive in it, is not a bad thing. it’s time doing what time does. it moves. and we’re being moved along with it.
and today i am happy share that we are finding a new momentum. we are slowly working our way out of denial and starting to put real efforts into rebuilding some of the broken, weakened areas of our relationship. of course, couples therapy can be considered, and it’s something we have spoken about. but i feel like, for now, we are making some progress. together we are gaining understanding which areas need extra attention and why. it is so easy to blame the other person in a partnership for your own pain, but in reality it is up to you to hold yourself accountable for your own contributions, before any real change or growth can happen. and the thing that i have learned recently, it’s not about changing yourself or them. it’s about taking control and changing your own bad habits. whether it’s negative thought patterns, those nasty lines you repeat during each fight or the sarcastic stabs you mumble under your breath. We’re not at the point of needing to get in touch with lawyers in Jonesboro AR to discuss divorce yet (and I hope we never will be) but that doesn’t mean that we don’t sometimes let our differences come out in the open in a fiery way. For some of our friends, divorce has been the answer in relationships that have turned toxic and they felt it healthy to go their own separate ways, but we hope by discussing our differences and concerns that we can avoid this.
it’s a start, right?
dear hubby and i quietly celebrated our sixth wedding anniversary on the 17th of february at the cottage with friends and snow!
to share our love, here is probably the worst picture of us taken. the sun was so blinding, hence the bizarre distorted faces! love doesn’t always look that sexy! ha!