it is hump day and, boy, are we feeling the midweek burn-out.
this morning was such a terrible start to the day, especially for my sweet bear. he woke up angry, because he started growling about everything as soon as he opened up his eyes. the growl was deeper and louder, than the usual morning antics.
it all started, because he didn’t want to wear his jeans. isn’t that the way these things always start? so, i told him he could get another pair of pants from his dresser, but the ones he wanted were in the laundry. of course they were! then as the complaints about the jeans continued, his voice got louder, the screams screechier and the tears flowed even heavier. i was downstairs trying to get his lunch made, lion was eating his breakfast and bear was melting down upstairs. at exactly 7:44am, i knew he was going to be late for school, because he was still in his undies and he hadn’t had breakfast, and school starts at 8:35am.
i phoned dear hubby at work thinking if bear talked to his dad in private maybe that would help, but he actually just escalated. so, i did the only thing i could do. i went upstairs and held him as he screamed at full volume into my ear. i whispered sweet nothings into his ear refusing to let him go. he did eventually, slowly, calm down from that super extreme place where his anxiety takes him. i did get a bowl of granola into him and some apple chunks, before we headed to school in the pissing rain.
at school, we had to go to the office, sign in, change into inside shoes and then trek down to the gym for the anti-bullying assembly. that’s where his class was. there his teacher saw us and came to greet my bear and escort him into the fun and join his friends.
i was left in the hallway with my lion, with a massive lump in my throat and an ache in my heart. i felt as though i was abandoning my guy in his time of need, in a time when he was feeling vulnerable and unsure of his world. i felt overwhelmed with guilt (as usual) and i felt an increased worry about this anxiety. so did what i always do in these situations, and i came home and cried. i know that my worrying about his anxiety is probably causing me anxiety, and i just don’t know how to manage it. i know people who use cannabis products like cbd, or thc products from somewhere like Area 52 to help relieve their symptoms, but i know i have to get my little bear sorted before i can work on myself… so i chose to cry it out.
look at this adorable guy with his swift scooter and awesome helmet! i love him so.
that was a few hours ago now, and i still upset by the whole thing.
it is so hard for me to shake things off. because this mornings meltdown is about something more than just jeans, it’s about anxiety. and that part of the equation is still unknown to us, and will for quite some time, even though we are in the process of accessing help. the wheels always move so slowly.
for now, we are trying to move onwards and upwards.