a mother’s guilt, a bear’s meltdown.

it is hump day and, boy, are we feeling the midweek burn-out.

this morning was such a terrible start to the day, especially for my sweet bear. he woke up angry, because he started growling about everything as soon as he opened up his eyes. the growl was deeper and louder, than the usual morning antics.

it all started, because he didn’t want to wear his jeans. isn’t that the way these things always start? so, i told him he could get another pair of pants from his dresser, but the ones he wanted were in the laundry. of course they were! then as the complaints about the jeans continued, his voice got louder, the screams screechier and the tears flowed even heavier. i was downstairs trying to get his lunch made, lion was eating his breakfast and bear was melting down upstairs. at exactly 7:44am, i knew he was going to be late for school, because he was still in his undies and he hadn’t had breakfast, and school starts at 8:35am.

i phoned dear hubby at work thinking if bear talked to his dad in private maybe that would help, but he actually just escalated. so, i did the only thing i could do. i went upstairs and held him as he screamed at full volume into my ear. i whispered sweet nothings into his ear refusing to let him go. he did eventually, slowly, calm down from that super extreme place where his anxiety takes him. i did get a bowl of granola into him and some apple chunks, before we headed to school in the pissing rain.

at school, we had to go to the office, sign in, change into inside shoes and then trek down to the gym for the anti-bullying assembly. that’s where his class was. there his teacher saw us and came to greet my bear and escort him into the fun and join his friends.
i was left in the hallway with my lion, with a massive lump in my throat and an ache in my heart. i felt as though i was abandoning my guy in his time of need, in a time when he was feeling vulnerable and unsure of his world. i felt overwhelmed with guilt (as usual) and i felt an increased worry about this anxiety. so did what i always do in these situations, and i came home and cried. i know that my worrying about his anxiety is probably causing me anxiety, and i just don’t know how to manage it. i know people who use cannabis products like cbd, or thc products from somewhere like Area 52 to help relieve their symptoms, but i know i have to get my little bear sorted before i can work on myself… so i chose to cry it out.

look at this adorable guy with his swift scooter and awesome helmet! i love him so.

that was a few hours ago now, and i still upset by the whole thing.
it is so hard for me to shake things off. because this mornings meltdown is about something more than just jeans, it’s about anxiety. and that part of the equation is still unknown to us, and will for quite some time, even though we are in the process of accessing help. the wheels always move so slowly.

for now, we are trying to move onwards and upwards.

xo, mama lola
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  1. says

    Don’t feel badly. Kids are just like us adults, we have our days. You spoke to him, engaged him, and did all that a good mom does. I am sure once he got in the swing of the school day he was fine, and probably forgot all about it. Hope today is a better day.

    • says

      thanks for the support, winnie. and you are so right about his day, it sounded like he had a great day at school, which i was so relieved to hear. today is much, MUCH better!

  2. says

    My son had anxiety, too (still does to some degree – he’s 7). I think the fact that you’re so concerned about it (as opposed to, “oh, he’ll just outgrow it”) speaks volumes. For us, we had to learn how to help Little Man cope with the anxiety…we used lots and lots of books. For me, reading “The Difficult Child” helped me immensely (not that your child is difficult; it’s an unfortunate title if you ask me lol). Sounds like you’re already looking into additional help for him. I hope you find exactly what you/he needs. For us, it’s been a long road, and I understand what you’re going through. It can be soooo hard. Hang in there.

    • says

      thanks so much, julia. i will look up that book.
      initially i did think he’d grow out of it, but it’s been years of struggle so i figure we midas well see what the “experts” have to say!

  3. says

    I often find Ev needs a cuddle in order to calm down, especially now that he has a baby sister who gets (seemingly) disproportionate cuddles. Meltdowns are so hard, and it sounds like your bear has them worse than many. Good luck with accessing help. I’m thinking of you.

    • says

      thanks, dilovely. often bear just pushes me away, when i try to help him by holding him. i was actually surprised he let me hold him! we’re on a waiting list for now…

  4. says

    Oh, Mommy guilt and the toll it takes on us ladies. You clearly have your son’s best interests at heart and care deeply for him. It sounds like you handled everything in a mature and helpful manner. It must have not been easy to have him screaming in your ear (I can’t stand it when my son does that to me), but you did it! And, as you said, he had a great day at school. I hope that as you journey through the road of dealing with his anxiety, you continue to find release in your tears and support in your family and friends. Thank you so much for sharing this story and for linking up with Your Place at Equis Place.

  5. says

    Oh, hugs. I know I tend to hold on to negative feelings for much longer than my kids do… it sucks, trying to shake off something that happened and it just takes a while. Hugs to you on the meltdown. We have good friends whose son goes through periods of having big meltdowns like that, it sounds so difficult to deal with and try to keep your calm. Major kudos to you for handling that morning so well. I think you should be proud of yourself.

  6. says

    aw poor little guy- maybe if you ave him pick out his clothes the night before he would feel like he has more control over his life? Cheers and hope your weekend goes well. Thanks for visiting my blog!

    • says

      thanks for stopping by, kathe. we’ve tried the picking out clothes the night before and it makes the evenings worse. usually he doesn’t care about what he wears, and often does choose for himself. just a bad morning.