i am conflicted and torn.

i’ve been having a really hard few days. the internal dialogue in my head is confusing and i feel as though my will power and determination is being tested. and, i hate it.

so, I started a fast acting liver cleanse last week. it means I am on a strict diet of whole foods, avoiding coffee, sugar, all flours, anything refined or processed, with limited fruit intake but, I’m allowed to eat all the veggies in the world (there are other diet guidelines but I’m not going to get into all of it). I do the cleanse because it clearly demonstrates to me the bad habits I develop with food. ya know, having that extra cheese slice, finishing off all of the kid’s leftovers, nibbling on various treats at the end of the day and sometimes drinking too much coffee and not enough water.

i did the cleanse last year at this time and was totally pure.
this year, i’ve been thrown a curve ball and it has really challenged me.

on Wednesday I went (hula) hooping with a group in town and threw my back out. on thursday i was in so much pain i could hardly walk at times. i cried and cried on thursday evening as dear hubby tried to figure out how to help me. He was starting to even look into cbd for relief from the pain, bless his soul. luckily, i had booked an appointment with my chiropractor for the next morning, for my chronic neck issues. so, on friday morning i limped in to the office with lion in tow (because this almost immobile mama, still doesn’t get the day off) and my chiro twisted, adjusted and stretched me in ways that felt so good! she explained that i have shifted a disk or disks in my lower back, an area where i already have some issues with badly positioned disks, and i am to take it easy, but not too easy. i am to include many rounds of stretching and icing, and to keep walking ensuring i don’t become lazy with all of this pain.

the curve ball is this… during a liver cleanse one is not supposed to take anything for pain management either, because your liver is the organ that processes all those drugs and medicines. but, for survival i have been popping advil gel caps as though they are tic-tacs. not sure how much they are helping, but i feel like i need them.

because the cleanse food is all made from fresh ingredients there is a lot prep that takes place for the meals and snacks. just standing in the kitchen chopping veggies is brutal on my back and knees. yesterday evening i started losing my focus and my willpower for the cleanse. i cried about the pain to dear hubby and shared my concerns about continuing because of the demands placed by the cleanse. all i had wanted to do for days was overindulge on some “poor me” chocolate! i texted my beautiful friend and she reminded me that the cleanse ultimately was about habits and that maybe i could bend the rules and allow myself to have a little something like coffee or a boozy drink or cheese to help me get through my painful days.

this has become one of those internal fights in ones head. i know if i cheat with food during the cleanse i will feel terrible and that i will beat myself up over it for a long time. my negative self talk is a very loud and powerful force inside of me. it is another bad habit i am trying to improve upon. i also know that i have very high expectations of myself with certain things and this cleanse appears to be one of them; it’s a way i can prove to myself that i can control my eating habits, my caffeine intake and my overall relationship with food. we eat fairly well at our house, but it’s all about who you compare yourself to, right? and, i guess i just want to tweak our habits a bit as a family, but a lot for myself.

do i stick with this cleanse, while in immense pain? do i relax the rules for myself a little giving myself permission to not complete the cleanse as purely as i initially wished, and in doing so hate myself? or what?

blargh.

we went to the sugar bush yesterday. it’s a place where they have tapped the maple trees to make maple syrup. it was a bright, sunny day and perfect for being outside. i walked slowly with dear hubby as the kids ran and played. it was nice to be outside, even if i limped around.


i hate feeling like a failure, even though i suppose i feel like that a lot of the time. i think most people do.

i will end here, as i could keep going on and on about this subject matter.

hope you had a wonderful weekend!
here’s to a pain free week!

xo, mama lola
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Comments

  1. says

    wow! I am in a similar situation, as on a candida diet at the moment and have the fight without being in pain or any extra trouble – except the Easter holidays! do you think I managed without a single chocolate egg??
    I did bend the rules, I felt bad, but on the second egg decided to enjoy the “break”, guilt free although right now it’s even harder to go back on track – oh, we’re just such habit-people!
    I would say you have a good reason to bend the rules and go back into your cleanse full swing once you’re better!
    dominika

  2. says

    I, too, am currently on the candida diet. I also pulled three of my hamstring muscles a week ago last Thursday which is manifesting in horrible back aches. I am also popping pain meds, feeling guilty for it and struggling to just be “normal” for a bit. Ugh. This too shall pass. All of it will! Know you’re not alone in any of it 🙂

    • says

      aw, bee girl, i hope you’re feeling better soon. sounds like you too are in terrible pain! and, you’re right, this too shall pass, but what’s a little self pity and guilt for good measure!? thanks for sharing!

  3. says

    Well now I feel guilty that you went to my site to look at the cake I made! 🙂
    I agree, I think most people feel like failures at some point(s) in their lives. I think it becomes a comfort for some of us to make ourselves feel guilty. I’m especially bad when I’m in pain. I’ve been whining (to myself) all day in fact. Blargh indeed.
    Don’t feel you’re giving up on the cleanse. Better to eat while on pain meds. Get better and then get back on the cleanse. You’ll feel stronger once better. And this way, you’ll be able to focus on the cleanse and not the pain.
    I tried hula hooping last year…..I was amazed how hard it was…..how is that possible when we did it so much as kids. (crazy, huh!!)

    • says

      haha! don’t feel guilty about your yummy cake!
      i am the queen of guilt and throw in some intense pain and i’m a mess. obviously! haha! thanks for dropping by and yes, hooping is harder than it looks! but, also a ton of fun!

  4. says

    “i do the cleanse, because it clearly demonstrates to me the bad habits i develop with food.” You will still have a healthier body for eating well and a healthier mind for acknowledging habits. Neither will be accomplished if you are in pain.

    • says

      aw, lady, thank you. pain does definitely make me very irrational and grunpy, especially when it lasts a long time and it really affects the quality of my life. thanks for being so clear and reminding that pain is debilitating. period.

  5. says

    Beautiful photos of the family enjoying the sugar bush. I hope you feel better soon. I think it’s okay to take your medicine since you’re in so much pain. It’s important not to beat yourself up because you’re doing your best!

    • says

      thanks, LTB. and you’re right, pain is NOT good for ones soul and i think my backpain was really affecting the quality of my life, causing great distress in all of me. my body, my mind and my soul. thanks for stopping by!

  6. says

    Sorry to hear about your pain! My late hubby had back pain, and so does my current hubby. It is so painful that you can’t function. Don’t feel like a failure, as a pain doctor told my hubby, the meds are there to help you though it, and today they can help those who need it. I think you are remarkable to be able to do a fast in the first place. I don’t think I could!
    Looks like your family had fun at the sugar bush! Looks fun! Take good care of you!

  7. says

    My two cents… is there a reason why you have to do the cleanse RIGHT NOW? I feel like this injury is an extenuating circumstance and you deserve to shift your priorities to help make life easier on yourself while you’re recuperating, and can get back to doing the cleanse once you feel better. You are in no way a failure, regardless of what you choose to do here.

    • says

      oh marcy, you are so bang on the timing thing. i don’t know why i have to do the cleanse right now… probably because my friend and i decided to do it now and so that was that. realistically finding time to do the cleanse is tricky and this two weeks seemed to fit our schedule. but, you’re right, i clearly need to be more flexible and re-asses my priorities give myself some slack! thanks for stopping by!

  8. says

    I’m glad to read in the comments that you put a (temporary) end to the cleanse and took care of yourself and your pain, as you should have! That’s the best thing you could have done for yourself. And have no regrets or guilt about that.

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