the death of a child.

losing a child is a pain i hope i never have to endure.
the thought alone is…

on friday night dear hubby and i went to a movie for date night. we saw “the place beyond the pines”. a movie that deals with all kinds of pain, sorrow and heartache. as a mama, it is very difficult for me to watch some things on the big screen these days. all i do is imagine those situations, horrors as a part of my life. then on saturday night we watched “the greatest” at home on netflix. the movie deals with struggling, mourning parents who are left to deal with the various consequences after their sons tragic death. this movie was even more heartbreaking than i could imagine. so much so, that i refused to even consider what i may feel if i was that mother, if i lost an eighteen year old son. i should have been an teary, bleary eyed sobbing mess, but the suffering this mother felt was too much for me to even consider. you see, she lost her eldest son, but her younger son was alive and needing his family. 
too close to home for me.

filling two evenings with pain and loss, even though fictional was heavy for my heart. if you know me well, you know i take things on easily and have a hard time shaking feelings off. the thought of losing one of my boys is so incomprehensible. mother’s lose their children every day all over the world, and if i actually thought about all of that pain, i would be stuck in this chair forever debilitated by the sorrow. 

but, i did almost lose my littlest boy. and, honestly i have not actually dealt with that fear or pain. i have shoved those feelings into a box to be kept stashed in the far corners of my heart. it is not like me to ignore my feelings and not get a handle on them, but this, my wee lion almost dying at birth is too much for me to even think about. as i type, i am stiffening up and i feel my defences kicking into gear protecting my heart from the agony that could have been. luckily for me, i didn’t even know he was in danger until he was stabilized. my sweet, dear hubby is the one who knew and felt the danger of death.

death is unavoidable. it is all around us.
but, a parent, a mother losing a child is the kind of pain i hope i never have to endure. 
and, to all of the parents who have lived through that, i watch you in awe. 
your strength silences me.

i hope this post does not leave you with a heavy heart, but instead inspires you to recognize the beauty that is family and life. i know i will be slobbering some extra sloppy kisses on my boys today and tucking them both into bed with me tonight!

xo, mama lola
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  1. says

    Having only experienced loss through miscarriage, I can’t imagine a full term pregnancy loss or anytime thereafter. And I agree; I look at parents who keep on and their strength, their ability, their determination, to keep going inspires.

  2. says

    I agree. There are tv shows I refuse to watch because they show brutality towards children and movies I can’t watch because I know they are based in truth (Schindler’s List). I had a similar birth scare with my second. I didn’t realize it until I went home and looked up what an AGPAR of two actually meant.
    New follower. Enjoyed your blog!
    Lindsay (

  3. says

    <3 I know EXACTLY what you mean about the big screen - or the small one. Especially anything having to do with babies. And I was raw like that as soon as E was born, even before we lost Sebastian. The love we mama bears inherit is a powerful thing.

    • says

      as i was about to hit publish, you popped into my mind.
      you are right, we do love our little people in a way that is impossible to understand until you become a mama. that’s the last time i let DH choose our movies!

  4. says

    Losing a child is awful for anyone. I try to stay appreciative of the time I have with my kiddos and try not to take anything for granted. As far as movies, I try to stay away from too many dramas. I like movies that make me laugh. Best wishes!!!

    • says

      thanks for stopping buy and sharing, clayton. i appreciate your attitude of not taking anything or anyone for granted, especially our children. i too enjoy comedies and people doing silly things!

  5. says

    I can’t even watch movies like that or I’m total mush. Unfathomable pain and loss, yet I too, came very close to losing my youngest son. It was the worst night of our lives and the mere thought of it brings back the horrible feeling in my gut, the numbness. My heart goes out to every parent who has lost a child and I am in awe of their strength to carry on.

    • says

      oh, linda i am sorry to hear about your scare.
      i think from now on we’ll stay away from movies dealing with loss and i will be in charge of movie selection!

  6. says

    I can’t even imagine. I understand about finding it difficult to watch such movies–I am the kind of person who gets totally involved emotionally and mentally with the characters whether its in a book or on the screen. I worry so much about facing that kind of sadness, and I hope I do not. Yet my heart goes out to all of those who have lost a child. They are in my thoughts and prayers. Thanks so much, Mama Lola, for linking up with Your Place at Equis Place.

  7. says

    I can’t watch those kind of movies anymore. They just seem to real. I can barely watch horror movies either. After having a child I’ve become so much more sensitive to this stuff.

    • says

      hey lillian! i have always been super sensitive and get scared easily, but like you since becoming a mama, i am even more sensitive! hard to imagine! and, i refuse to watch horror movies, thrillers, and anything super violent. thanks for popping by!