this is my pity party.

i’ve been having a real shitty few weeks, months really.
i am trying come out of it.
since the new year, i have tried to grow as a person, ya know, being the best i can be, while allowing myself to make mistakes, learn from them and move on. but, that’s not happening the way i imagined it would. i am having a difficult time keeping the momentum going.
welcome to my pity party!

over the years i have tried to be a good person: a reliable friend, a strong wife and a stable mother. i am the first to admit and acknowledge that i have made huge mistakes and have failed at being strong or level headed when i should have. but, should making mistakes make me a target, especially when i have held myself responsible for my actions? all of those roles i mentioned earlier are near impossible to maintain  on a good day, never mind when i am being blamed for the mistakes of others. it is difficult to hold my chin up with confidence and pride when i am told my pain is illegitimate and irrelevant. it devalues me as a person, while stripping me of my worth, and completely dismissing existence.
i am not capable of just pretending everything is ok and ignore the massive pink elephant in the room. but, what am i supposed to do when i try to talk about these issues with them and they respond in a way that is so cold, accusatory and harsh. why are they allowed to treat me like shit? who gave them that permission…. was it me?

so lately instead of asking for help and support, i have started to shut down and turn into myself. i have started to censor myself more here, because some of the shit holding me back is related to family. (it always is, right?) i wish i could be more open and not feel as though i need to censor myself here, as this place is one i have created for myself; for my thoughts, my feelings, my projects, my fave recipes, my vents, my highs and my woes. MY life. but, i share my life with others, and i do not want out people or cause more hurt or divide, so i will only share about my process, my pity party. 

today, at the end of april, i am desperately trying to dig myself out of this mess, this hole i dug for myself. it is a hole i feel like i am being pushed back into whenever i start feel a little stronger. i cannot control what other people do, i understand that, but i am struggling to be a duck in rain and let what they think of me roll off of my back. i am raw, vulnerable and hurting, and somehow it feels as though that doesn’t matter to anyone.

this post sounds like a pity party, i know, but i am trying to find my motivation again. i thought that if i put some of my pain out there for all to see and read, maybe they would stop blaming me for everything and recognize that everyone makes mistakes, including them. and holding ones self accountable takes courage.
i refuse to be a scapegoat.
i am worth more.
i deserve better.

xo, mama lola
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  1. says

    I’m so sorry you’re going through all this. Hugs and strength. And there’s nothing wrong with a little pity party every now and then.

  2. says

    You know, there is nothing wrong with a pity party – just as long as it ends, you get up and you get going. Your kids need you – and you need them. That’s it. You can’t control what anybody else does, or the way they treat you. You are in charge of yourself. You are in charge of the way you treat them.

    People are fallen. They don’t know which way is front or back – it’s the way this world is. Very few people value family and family relationships. You have the choice to be the better person here. Love them. That will irk them out of their mind – and show them where they have strayed.

    You teach by example. You show your children how they should be. What they should strive for. What kind of person you want them to be.

    If you want people to treat you well, then you treat them better – even when they are downright mean. It shows them someting about something – and you can still lift your head high.

    Or, you can just look at them like they are crazy – and walk away.

    Trust me, it works.

    Good luck Mama. I’m rooting for ya!

    • says

      oh lisa, i am sorry for my tardy reply.

      you speak such wisdom. and simply put, you’re right. everything you said was bang on- BANG! i was a little embarrassed of this post, but i shared it because it’s where i was at, not my finest or happiest time, but an honest account of where my head was at.

      now, i am moving on.
      it’s time to force myself out of this place and move onwards and upwards!

      thank you for these kind, honest words. i needed to hear them.

  3. Anna says

    I have found after having kids that it has been really hard dealing with my family and my husbands family. I had this picture perfect image that once our parents were grandparents it would all be rainbows and roses but that couldn’t have been further from the truth. In the end my hubby and I ended up moving across the country for a job opportunity and amazingly it’s been awesome for my self esteem as a person, although being so far from friends and family has been a challenging often stressful experience, it’s one I’m glad we took, though definately not for everyone!

    • says

      thanks anna.
      having kids really put family dynamics and relationships into perspective! ha!
      glad to hear your move was such a positive change for you! all the best!

  4. says

    I’m sorry you’re going through that sucky hole of despair. I just came out of one. Seems like you can tell yourself to snap out of it all you want but it just has to run its course sometimes. I agree with you though. Hope brighter days are ahead soon!

    • says

      sorry for my tardy reply, linda. but yeah, i think i needed to wallow or whatever, but am now moving on. brighter days ahead for sure! thanks for the kind words!

  5. says

    Right on Mama! What you need is some sunshine. And screw whoever doesn’t get you or love you for you. Screw ’em. (BTW my post for I don’t like Monday’s is very similar in feel 🙂

  6. says

    This is such a powerful post in its raw honesty. Your pain is legitimate and relevant! I wouldn’t call this a pity party – I would call it acknowledging the hurt and standing up for your worth. I understand what it’s like to hold back on your blog because of family-related issues. You deserve to feel happy and free. Thank you for sharing these words.

    • says

      thanks so much for your kind and wise words! and, sorry for my tardy reply! now, things are turning around and i am feeling a little better. must blog an update!