i’ve been having a real shitty few weeks, months really.
i am trying come out of it.
since the new year, i have tried to grow as a person, ya know, being the best i can be, while allowing myself to make mistakes, learn from them and move on. but, that’s not happening the way i imagined it would. i am having a difficult time keeping the momentum going.
welcome to my pity party!
over the years i have tried to be a good person: a reliable friend, a strong wife and a stable mother. i am the first to admit and acknowledge that i have made huge mistakes and have failed at being strong or level headed when i should have. but, should making mistakes make me a target, especially when i have held myself responsible for my actions? all of those roles i mentioned earlier are near impossible to maintain on a good day, never mind when i am being blamed for the mistakes of others. it is difficult to hold my chin up with confidence and pride when i am told my pain is illegitimate and irrelevant. it devalues me as a person, while stripping me of my worth, and completely dismissing existence.
i am not capable of just pretending everything is ok and ignore the massive pink elephant in the room. but, what am i supposed to do when i try to talk about these issues with them and they respond in a way that is so cold, accusatory and harsh. why are they allowed to treat me like shit? who gave them that permission…. was it me?
so lately instead of asking for help and support, i have started to shut down and turn into myself. i have started to censor myself more here, because some of the shit holding me back is related to family. (it always is, right?) i wish i could be more open and not feel as though i need to censor myself here, as this place is one i have created for myself; for my thoughts, my feelings, my projects, my fave recipes, my vents, my highs and my woes. MY life. but, i share my life with others, and i do not want out people or cause more hurt or divide, so i will only share about my process, my pity party.
today, at the end of april, i am desperately trying to dig myself out of this mess, this hole i dug for myself. it is a hole i feel like i am being pushed back into whenever i start feel a little stronger. i cannot control what other people do, i understand that, but i am struggling to be a duck in rain and let what they think of me roll off of my back. i am raw, vulnerable and hurting, and somehow it feels as though that doesn’t matter to anyone.
this post sounds like a pity party, i know, but i am trying to find my motivation again. i thought that if i put some of my pain out there for all to see and read, maybe they would stop blaming me for everything and recognize that everyone makes mistakes, including them. and holding ones self accountable takes courage.
i refuse to be a scapegoat.
i am worth more.
i deserve better.