the degradation of Mother: wait, what?

there is a new trend out there, the just call me a MILF trend. for me, the trend is most obvious on twitter, where young mothers label themselves as such. i assume they do it in the hopes of sounding cool, pretty, sexy, desirable and worth following.

to call one’s self a MILF (mom i‘d like to f*ck) is so degrading and so demeaning; i think is just sad. the term has been around for decades, but blew up into mainstream popularity with the movie “american pie” in 1999. one of the teen guys used the term to describe the mother of a friend. i suppose in our twisted culture, the idea that young boys would like to f*ck us, us being mom’s, is supposed to be a compliment (?). it’s as if they’re doing us mum’s a favour for liking us, thinking we are attractive and worth fucking.

we know mothers aren’t presented or viewed as desirable beings in the media or society. and this is where things get confusing for me because, on one hand women in general are not appreciated as sexual beings with desires and needs of their own. but, on the other hand they are hyper-sexualized in the media. you know, the image of a young, thin woman wearing skimpy clothes with enhanced breasts, possibly pouting or licking or lips simply created to satisfy the needs men. this is why i suppose, breastfeeding women are perceived as committing a sexual act, because we have completely chopped up the female form, sexualizing pieces of her, instead of the whole of her. some believe breasts are for sex and sex only like it might appear on websites similar to Nu-Bay – browse nu-bay around here, so the act of a mother caring, nurturing and feeding her child has become so warped and twisted.

and, mothers are certainly the most de-sexualized people ever; we are women who feed, bathe, clothe and care for others without usually meeting our own needs, never mind meeting our sexual needs or ever even speaking about them. mothers are typically described as dowdy, frumpy women, with certain hair cuts and who drive a minivan; hello soccer mom; rushing around making sure their kids and partners are taken care of. mothers are not supposed to be sexual, erotic or never mind kinky. That gets left to the ladies like Lynda Leigh on cam sites, and power to them, but there is a difference. mothers certainly are not be opinionated about their needs, specifically their sexual needs.
i mean, how many episodes did oprah do on women’s sexuality, women faking it for men and what have you?

a fiction trilogy came out a while back, and out of curiosity i read the first book in the series. big mistake! i was so dismayed by the terrible, boring writing, sexist character development and portrayal, but mostly the non-titillating predictable sex scenes! you can definitely find a more accurate representation of sex from somewhere like TubeV than you can in these books. the books received an outrageous amount attention and were sold as “mommy-porn”.

first off there is a difference between pornography and erotica, which this book was so desperately trying to be. erotica is defined as being literature or art that is intended to arouse sexual feelings. pornography is printed or visual description containing the explicit description of sexual organs or activity, if you wanted to see the physical difference, watch some videos at a similar website to sexmature.
well, the descriptions in the books were immature, distasteful and at times embarrassing to read! was this book seriously intended for grown women?!
but, what really upset me about this shady trilogy was the way the media marketed this series as some kind of sexual bible, attempting to provide permission to women/ moms to have sexual fantasies. as if women and mothers need the permission of some patriarchal publishing company to dictate to us what we should want.

the entire story is based on a relationship of a rich, older, powerful white male who dominates a young, naive, sexually inexperienced, woman in all areas of her life. blah, please, you couldn’t up with a more interesting pairing, perhaps one that is less sexist?! the reality is, this book is not the fantasy of most grown women!

[ a mama & child. love.

i’ve gone on a bit of a tangent, but my point in all of this is… people are sexual beings. moms included. and being sexual doesn’t mean labelling yourself with a name that is sexist, degrading and demeaning.

if one day a friend of my son’s calls me a MILF, (s)he better watch out, because they will get an earful from me. actually, hopefully they will get the earful from one of my sons!

quote from lil’luna

xo, mama lola
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  1. says

    SO TRUE. I’ve always hated that term. And I’m glad you’ve just validated my decision to avoid that book like the plague – there IS good erotica for women out there, why waste time on badly written crap?

  2. says

    Love this post! Speak that truth, Mama Lola! I agree that MILF is an absolutely degrading term, and it hurts that young women are labeling themselves as such. I like what you say–that we as humans are all sexual beings, but it doesn’t mean it’s okay to hypersexualize us. As for 50 Shades of Grey, I read the entire trilogy, and it was tasteless. Don’t know why I couldn’t stop reading, but the writing was awful and the sex scenes made me pretty sad. I guess I wanted to try to figure out what the hype was all about. There are definitely more titillating romance novels out there! Thanks for sharing and linking up with Your Place.

  3. says

    Fantastic post mama lola! I so agree – it’s such a degrading term. It’s absurd how some women seem to view it as a badge of honor. Puh-lease.

  4. says

    I remember looking into that book series when everyone was getting so into it, and reading reviews was hysterical– it’s the only book I’ve ever seen where the reviews were either 1 star or 5 stars– NO inbetween. People either LOVED the books or HATED them. I read enough of the reviews to figure I’d be in the “hated it” crowd so didn’t bother.

    In re: MILF… this is a tough one. I think there is a fine but very important line here, between a culture sexualizing a group (regardless of the desires or wants of the members of that group), and someone claiming a certain label or desire for themselves. Moms ARE treated and viewed as sexless objects often, as if our sole purpose in life is to care for our children (and husbands) with no thoughts to ourselves. So I don’t fault women who decide to buck that trend, to reclaim their sexuality and make it their own. I may personally cringe at terms like MILF and “yummy mummy” but a mother deciding to own those labels for herself is *very* different from some dudes deciding it for her, KWIM? It’s like in the Vagina Monologues with the word “cunt.” Again, I’m not a huge fan of the word but I have no issues with a woman taking ownership of that word (or women using/reclaiming “bitch”, or black people with the n-word).

    • says

      hey marcy. i think you’re right about the concept of women labelling themselves vs. others doing, but i think it’s still derogatory. from what i see, i don’t think a lot of women are “bucking the trend” and making it their own; instead they are taking what is given to them by society (white, upper class men) and hoping to be seen as sexy, cool or whatever. by encouraging women to identify themselves as MILF’s, it allows patriarchy to hold on to it’s reigns and hold women down.

      (i had to look up KWIM… that’s how uncool i am! haha!!)