the death of a child.

losing a child is a pain i hope i never have to endure.
the thought alone is…

on friday night dear hubby and i went to a movie for date night. we saw “the place beyond the pines”. a movie that deals with all kinds of pain, sorrow and heartache. as a mama, it is very difficult for me to watch some things on the big screen these days. all i do is imagine those situations, horrors as a part of my life. then on saturday night we watched “the greatest” at home on netflix. the movie deals with struggling, mourning parents who are left to deal with the various consequences after their sons tragic death. this movie was even more heartbreaking than i could imagine. so much so, that i refused to even consider what i may feel if i was that mother, if i lost an eighteen year old son. i should have been an teary, bleary eyed sobbing mess, but the suffering this mother felt was too much for me to even consider. you see, she lost her eldest son, but her younger son was alive and needing his family. 
too close to home for me.

filling two evenings with pain and loss, even though fictional was heavy for my heart. if you know me well, you know i take things on easily and have a hard time shaking feelings off. the thought of losing one of my boys is so incomprehensible. mother’s lose their children every day all over the world, and if i actually thought about all of that pain, i would be stuck in this chair forever debilitated by the sorrow. 

but, i did almost lose my littlest boy. and, honestly i have not actually dealt with that fear or pain. i have shoved those feelings into a box to be kept stashed in the far corners of my heart. it is not like me to ignore my feelings and not get a handle on them, but this, my wee lion almost dying at birth is too much for me to even think about. as i type, i am stiffening up and i feel my defences kicking into gear protecting my heart from the agony that could have been. luckily for me, i didn’t even know he was in danger until he was stabilized. my sweet, dear hubby is the one who knew and felt the danger of death.

death is unavoidable. it is all around us.
but, a parent, a mother losing a child is the kind of pain i hope i never have to endure. 
and, to all of the parents who have lived through that, i watch you in awe. 
your strength silences me.

i hope this post does not leave you with a heavy heart, but instead inspires you to recognize the beauty that is family and life. i know i will be slobbering some extra sloppy kisses on my boys today and tucking them both into bed with me tonight!

xo, mama lola


that’s right, i took something yummy and easy and added a delicious fall twist to it. i tried to find a recipe to follow, but all the ones i did find required whole pumpkins, and i all i had was half a can of the pureed orange stuff. so, i got creative. i took martha stewart’s apple crisp recipe and made it my own.
i know, ballsy, but i see you wiping that droll off of your chin, just thinking of the yummy goodness! 


3/4 cup all-purpose flour
1 cup rolled oats 
1-1 1/2 sticks of butter
1/2 can of pureed pumpkin
6 medium sized apples
1/2 tsp sea salt
1 tsp ground cinnamon
1/2 tsp ground clover
1/2 cup granulated sugar
1/2 maple syrup
2 tblsp lemon juice


1. preheat the oven to 375F.

2. peel and chop apples. cut into desired size, bigger sizes generally take longer to cook. (i chopped mine into smaller chunks as it’ll be easier for the kids).
3. in a bowl combine, flour, oats, sugar, salt, cinnamon and cloves. then add the butter and use your (washed hands) to blend the mixture. leave some clumps.
3. in another bowl mix apple chunks, lemon juice and almost all of the pumpkin puree. also, mix in the maple syrup.
4. grease a baking dish, add apple and pumpkin mixture. spread and even out. add remaining pumpkin puree long the edges to avoid burning the apples. then add, the dry topping, spreading it our evenly.
5. bake for one hour. let sit for atleast 10 minutes before serving. add a scoop (or two) of vanilla ice cream.

this dessert was a perfect way to end the week. we had a family movie night watching “ANNIE” while devouring the apple pumpkin crisps with a side of yummy vanilla ice cream. kids loved it, dear hubby loved and so did i!

mmmm…. there’s enough still to enjoy this afternoon!

xo, mama lola

hump day!

bear is officially registered for school! his upcoming fourth birthday and getting him signed up for school are all coinciding, which emphasizes his growing up faster than i can keep up. we’ve had some long in depth conversations about what school is, what he’ll do there, who will be there and the purpose of it all. he’s worried that he doesn’t know how to read or that he doesn’t have a lunch bag. sweet bear! i think i will make a simple velcro bag for his lunch and then i can personalize it to his taste. i’ll also make some more reusable baggies so we can do the whole garbage free lunch, which is so easy to do and such an important lesson for the kids.

today bear zipped up his own jeans. what? are you kidding me? i mentioned to him last week that he will have to learn how to do all of these clothing things on his own in preparation for school. last week he unbuttoned a dress shirt on his own. he really isn’t three anymore and has moved onto four.
i am bursting with pride!

i’m getting my hair done this friday. it’s a big deal and worth writing about, because i so rarely go to the hairdresser’s. i am so excited as i will get my hair done and then for date night dear hubby and i will go see pina!

i get goosebumps watching the trailer. 
i love dance. 
and bikers.

it’s supposed to snow on friday. going for bike rides in february seems ludicrous… in canada! and looking at our dismal backyard, i really hope we get some big ol’ white flakes.  If so, it would be just in time for bear’s birthday!

happy hump-pa-di-hump day to all!

xo, mama lola


last night dear hubby and i had a midweek date night instead of having the usual friday night date. my MIL law stayed with the boys, while dear hubby and i went out for delicious indian food and an impromptu movie. we saw this:

“tomboy” is a french movie, set in an unknown town in france and revolves around a family and the summer adventures the kids get into. it is a movie that explores the assumptions we as adults, as parents, make about our children’s gender based on their sex; about the importance we place on being female/male, girl/boy and how those ideas trickle down to the younger generation. but, as heavy and complex as the subject matter of gender identity is, this movie was light and subtle in its presentation and exploration of the issue. it was honest and beautiful, but not in a typical tear jerky way, but rather a raw depiction of how it might feel or look like for a kid to question themselves and their gender.

i loved it. i was surprised at the direction it took and would recommend everyone to go out and see it. for local peeps, it’s playing downtown at the bookshelf. get some popcorn and coffee, sit back and enjoy.

and speaking of gender…
as a mama to two male children i try very hard not to impose too many male stereotypes on them. what does it matter if they wear rubber boots with flowers, what does it matter if they wear pink undies or tights, what does it matter if we paint our nails together or put barrettes in each others hair, why does anyone care if my kids have bed sheets with pink hearts on them or bows on their clothes? 
bear, june 2010.
bear, march 2010.
are these external choices of mine going to define their identity, absolutely not. am i making my kids gay? absolutely not. but i know what people think when they see us stomping down the street. for now, bear and lion are oblivious, but one day they will feel people’s judgmental eyes on them. once, a kid randomly asked bear if he was girl or a boy, because of his flowery boots. i was shocked, but bear was cool and said he was a boy. it is astonishing that the colour of one’s boots is what we use to classify people. 
lion in pink, july 2011.

i could rant on about this topic, as it really gets my blood boiling. i will stop. but, just listen to yourself and see how many times a day you say gender loaded things like “good boy/ girl”, “beautiful, lovely, sweet girl”, “handsome, tough, smart boy”. we are so programmed to describe our kids with very specific words. i know i am always catching myself too.

axl rose, of Gn’R.
happy thusday to everyone, no matter how you identify, cuz i don’t give a rat’s ass!
xo, mama lola
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