today was a big day for our family.

my eldest started school. they have a new system, where they don’t just throw the JK’s into the school and see who sins or swims, instead, they stagger the start days. that means, today bear went on from 12pm until 2pm to meet his teacher, see his classroom and make some new friends. dear hubby, lion and i walked to school with him. as we were walking i was holding back tears, biting my lip and trying desperately to ignore the urge to turn around and run back home with my bear tightly in my arms.

[ leaving the house with a pouty bear and tired lion.]

we arrived at the school to a small group of waiting families. then bear’s teacher called him and some other JK’s to go into her room. so, in we went and almost immediately we were told to quickly say good-bye and leave.
i felt so flustered and tried to give him a kiss; i don’t even remember if i told him i loved him. and then we left, leaving him behind. i rushed out of the school with tears welling up in my eyes, trying to wipe them away without smearing my mascara every where. why i put that stuff on… anyway, i only allowed myself to cry a few little sobs before we walked home. lion fell asleep in the stroller and the three of us we spent a quiet afternoon at home without our bear.

[ a quick good-bye. ]

the house felt empty without bear. he’s not a particularly loud kid, but he has big presence here. he holds his own and makes himself known.
my heart ached as i looked at baby pictures of him, wondering where my little bear had gone. how did four and a half years fly by like that? gone, i swear all i did was blink and swoosh, gone. time has this magic of disappearing into thin air.

the two hours at school passed quickly enough. back at school we met his teacher, madameC, who is lovely. she is friendly and soft, and her demeanour seems like an ideal match for my guy. she remembered bear from the visit the kids had in the spring, the one where he grabbed my leg and cried and wouldn’t let go. today madameC told me with a gentle smile that he didn’t cry at all and that he seemed quite calm. that is reassuring. something i needed to hear.

bear himself was delighted to show us his cubby for his shoes and the corner he tucked his bookbag into. he proudly presented me with the art he had done and excitedly explained that they had even gone outside. as i listened to him, i was honestly so happy for him and so proud, especially since going to JK is a big deal for my anxious little guy. but, and i hate to admit this, deep down inside i was sad that his life was going on without me; that he doesn’t need me quite so much any more; that he’s growing up. 

i know it sounds silly, and possibly laughable. 
but, as a stay-at-home-mama, letting go of my child and entrusting him to someone else is a big deal. that’s one of the reasons we’re only sending him for three days a week instead of the full five. luckily bear’s teacher madameC and the school principal seem unphased and supportive of our own schedule. i am not willing to completely give him up to the system. others can judge me all they want, but kids are in school all day, five days a week for over a decade. i want to spend as much time with my kids as possible, while i can. 

[ looking confident and proud in front of the kindergarten playground. ]

[ walking home.]

maybe it’s selfish, maybe it’s self-less, depends who you ask, i suppose.
but, i know what’s best for my kids.