this fall, my family and i were caught in a personal crisis of sorts. 

i found myself holding a large bowl of lemons at the beginning of november, and instead of pulling out my juicer to make lemonade, i instead chose to ride the sour wave that left me feeling raw, emotional and sad. i won’t get into the details of what happened to trigger these big emotions, as i need to hold onto some privacy here, but i am willing to share my feelings around this difficult time.

this fall i was forced to do some serious self-analysis, look at myself and really recognize the qualities that make me, me. there are some good things that i saw, but i focused more on the complicated, bad stuff. the things that are embarrassing, deeply shameful and difficult to even say out loud. but, that’s what i did. i verbally repeated my flaws to people who would listen, discussing their significance and power over my life; i took responsibility for my bad decisions admitting to everyone that although i have hidden behind a facade of happiness, there is great pain and regret in my heart and life, all which came exploding out like a pressure cooker.

during this time of crisis, my emotions were heightened with a rawness that is impossible to explain. i was unable to eat, sleep or stop pacing like a caged tiger. i had difficulty focusing on simple activities, like reading or grocery shopping. i was single parenting for a large chunk of this time, which made me feel the tremendous weight of guilt on my trembling, exhausted shoulders. 

but, fortunately for me, there were people in my life who stepped in to support and help me. although many of my dearest people live in other communities, they did offer hours and hours of emotional support through the ol’ telephone. they listened while i sobbed uncontrollably, which is all i needed or wanted. others came to my help at home, without even being asked, coming over to help with the kids or just being with me as i rode these powerful waves of emotion.

now, the storm has passed and the waves are calming down. my personal growth has only begun and is now spilling over into my marriage, but in a good way! i took those lemons and threw them away, opting to start a new chapter rather than holding onto those upsets and negative feelings, that will only sour anything fresh or new coming my way.

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i have missed blogging and i thought i could return before christmas, but i instead chose to focus my time and energy on my lovely guys, lion, bear and dear hubby. we had a lovely christmas with our families and are now spending lots of time together before dear hubby returns to work in the new year. 

i am hoping this entry is my return to this cyper space and fun place. i thought before i start with any recipe or photo montage i should preface my absence with some explanation, even if it is a bit vague.

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peace.
xo, mama lola