love bob.

so, am i satisfied with the life i am living? in all honesty there is no one answer to this question.  over all, i love my life. are there things i would change? of course. are there things i would never change? absolutely.
and, what is satisfaction exactly? this source says it’s fulfillment and a quality of being. if i look closely at my life, i can honestly say that i am fulfilled in some aspects of my life, but not all. my mothering and nurturing role is one that i am proud of and it fulfills me in a way nothing else does. my children fill me with such love, pride and joy. i drink up their smiles and laughter, and i try to remember those faces during times of difficulty and turmoil. i love being a mama and know that this is the job i am supposed to be doing.

but, i do feel as though the intellectual, curious side of me gets neglected and is therefore unfulfilled. as an adult i loved going to school and learning. i loved working in my field at a women’s shelter. i have always enjoyed challenging and pushing myself into new, unknown territories whether through education, travel or work. or all three combined. that part of my life has been placed on hold temporarily. my plan is to go back and finish my women’s studies degree. but after lion was born and i had my tumour removed, i felt it was time to take time away from school. i did pursue my studies when bear was a baby, and i do see myself returning, but not at this time. not just yet. but, soon. 

when i was younger and fantasized about my life it had all the major players i have now. a husband,  a couple of kids, a house, a car, but as a kid i never fantasized beyond the materialistic side of life. i didn’t know how and i suppose i was too immature to understand how important that emotional satisfaction is. 
sometimes i do feel emotional unfulfilled and dissatisfied. being a SAHM is what i want to be doing, but it comes with it’s own set of cons. i am always repeating myself, wiping faces, wiping a lot of bums, i am always wiping counters, rinsing dishes, folding laundry, driving to somewhere, pushing swings, dumping sand out of shoes, reminding of manners, reminding the boys not hit each other, not to push each other, not to tattle, to think outside the box, and so and so. it’s very UNstimulating for my brain.
that sometimes leaves me feeling sad. overwhelmed. lonely. stupid. limited. unmotivated. isolated.

[ a random beach on the south shore of nova scotia. ]

at the end of the day for me, my satisfaction comes from finding a balance between all of the aspects of my life. when i am in balance, i feel good and satisfied with my life. 
i feel fulfilled. 
when i step off the line and lose my balance, i feel bad about myself and that negativity is felt by my kids and dear hubby.

i strive for balance.
every day that is my goal.