me first, yeah right!

May 26, 2011 by mama lola

my self-care is the pits. i joined the Y in the new year not as a resolution, but as a way to get my self-care started. some weeks i go more than others and then when dear hubby got laid off i felt guilty for wanting to hold onto my membership. the thing with the Y is this: it’s good for me on so many levels; it’s fantastic for my mental health, my physical health and my intellect. getting all that blood pumping and really surging into all the nooks and crannies of my body makes a world of difference. plus, it’s that always important alone time. i crank the radio and sing all the way there and all the way home, pretending i know the words to all the latest pop songs.

i have had two big ol’ surgeries this past year, four months apart. both times i was put under a general anaesthetic, which was quite stressful for my body. then, i was knocked on my butt to recover for a few weeks each time, while also caring for a baby and a toddler. it’s been tough to fit any real self-care into my life. but, after having the tumour removed from my head last november it really put things into perspective for me. i faced my mortality at the age of 31 and realized i wasn’t ready to die as i had not finished living yet. and a part of living meant putting my needs back on the priority list. so, i’ve slowly gotten myself out of the house and back into the world. luckily, i have a very supportive partner who understands this need and tries to be as accommodating as possible.

these guys are a lot of work. for me.

all that being said, sometimes it’s hard to find the motivation or the energy in the evenings to go out and exercise. and sometimes it’s not even an option. dear hubby has been doing contract computer programming work since being laid off in march, which means he is sometimes hunched over his laptop ’till the wee hours of the morning working (literally).

the logistics of consistent self-care are difficult, practically impossible, in fact. i can’t put off dinner clean-up or vacuuming, because if i don’t do it when it needs to get done then when am i going to do it? i sure as hell am not going to leave my dinner dishes in the sink and food on the stove for the next morning. the recommendation that chores can wait, was advised by someone who is not responsible for running a household. sure laundry can wait, but only some laundry and only sometimes. if i don’t keep on it, it piles up fast and furious, creating more work for another day. and i’m not down with that!
but at least i have made myself somewhat of a priority again. i try, when i have to the opportunity, to do things that make me happy, healthy or are fun. often these activities are kidless, but as much as i love ’em i do need a break from mothering, regularly. as a stay at home mom, it’s hard to separate work from play, as playing with the kids often ends up being work, because they are still so little. i imagine that will change as they get older and gain more independence. right now, today, the key for myself is to strive for balance and not let one part of my life dominate the rest.

BALANCE.

beach bums!

May 23, 2011 by mama lola

all winter bear has been asking to go to the beach and i kept explaining that we could go when the trees had green leaves on them. well, yesterday as the temperature soared and rain gave way to beautiful sunshine we took advantage of the summer-like weather and headed to the beach.

the cubs napped in their car seats as we drove down to the lake to one of the best beaches around. it’s a beach we visit A LOT in the summer, even though the drive is about 45 minutes, it’s totally worth it. there are change rooms, showers, tons of free parking, lots of soft sand to dig and play with and an upgraded down town with lots of yummy food.

this weekend we all tested the lake water and it was still freakin’ frigid. the water level was high, but i suppose that is expected after all the (bloody) rain we have endured this spring. bear frolicked in the waves, while lion watched closely taking notes. we sat on our mats and ate snacks as food always tastes better outside. there was a nice breeze and tons of people out enjoying the beautiful weather.

these lazy beach afternoons are the kind where play is important and time loses its meaning. it’s a great place for us to spend time a family, reconnect and i can’t wait to spend more beach bum days like this with my guys!

it’s a long weekend for us thanks to Q-vickie, so our beach adventure was extra fun! after surfing the waves we drove two minutes into burlington’s down town. the city has invested some serious cash into re-vitalizing this area and it has paid off. it is so vibrant with people, restaurants and shops. there is a fantastic play ground surrounded by grass to one side, the lake on the other and a gorgeous art gallery on the third. the playground is always busy with kids of various ages.

bear loves to climb and this playground comes with a climbing wall — fun.

now as we head into the week, i feel energized and as though i have shed my winter’s skin, finally. the temperatures are warm and the rain fall hasn’t been as intense the past couple of days. we have had a busy long weekend filled with sunshine and family time, which we all have been deprived of lately. our newly planted hostas and ferns are looking good as is the beautiful bleeding heart. my mom gave us a peony and (fingers crossed) it survived the transfer from the big city!

home made yoghurt, strawberry and blackberry pop-sickles!

planting the peony.

bear passed out before lunch today. this guy has been napping all weekend, which for a kid who dropped his nap a year ago, is unusual. it’s amazing what a few days in the sun will do to ya!

peace out.

May 20, 2011 by mama lola

Do not speak unless it improves on silence. ~ Proverb

i can be heard yimmering on at the kids and dear hubby. i think i use too many words with them, as often what i am trying to convey gets lost in all the words. i read a parenting book a while ago, on the recommendation of a dear friend, the way of boys by anthony rao. a worthwhile read for anyone, but especially if you have a little guy around 3 years of age. in the book the author really makes a point about communicating well with your kids. short and concise is best. since reading the book, my talking has changed with bear specifically. i try and stick to the point without too many words, especially when i want him to do something like wash his hands before dinner, or tidy up his toys.

bear yawns as an answer to a question and then completely ignores me.

mr. mischievous always going after my computer.

he knows he’s not supposed to touch my laptop, but he doesn’t care.

i am chatty. i like to talk, but i also like to listen. i enjoy a good conversation greatly, but have recently come to terms with the realization that bear is not chatty like me. he is more introverted, more quiet and subtle with his communicating, just like his dad. i have resigned asking about pre-school on the drive home as these one sided conversations only end up frustrating me. so, instead of sharing our morning experiences, we sit silently listening to the radio, each of us in our own worlds.

maybe with age this will change. maybe not.

lion, i think, will be my conversation partner.

Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled. ~ Horace

there are times when i am so exhausted and feel so beat down by the world, that not only do i say too many words, but i let the regrettable ones slip out too. those are the darkest and most shameful occasions of my parenting. i recognize that i am the adult, the parent, and should therefore, be setting the example of how to treat others with respect and care. there are no excuses and there is no justification, and all i can do is pick myself up from these low places and remind myself that next time i will try to handle things better. because, there will be a next time. you see, the life i lead is based on cycles and rhythms and with two little people in my life i am bound to be tested and pushed for many more years to come.

i cannot take back what i have said, but i can teach my children how to acknowledge and take responsibility for something hurtful they have said to someone. that is a tough lesson to learn and definitely a skill most adults should work on. it’s embarrassing to hold yourself accountable, but it’s mortifying to do it in front of your child. but i do it, because i have to take ownership of my mistakes and ask for forgiveness. right? how will i become a better mother, better person, if i can’t call myself on my own s#!t.

don’t stand on the rocking chair!

it will be difficult to push the cart if you are standing on it.

i feel nervous about sharing this info with the world. but, i think parenting is full of dirty secrets that we are encouraged to hide in shame. this is my attempt to open up the dialogue and shatter the façades that parents don’t say terrible things to their kids.

we all do it, but we just don’t talk about it.

https://bearandlionmama.com/2011/05/525.html

treeplanters: we were lovers in a dangerous time.

May 15, 2011 by mama lola

this is how it all began…

falling in love over a cocktail.

10 years ago, on may 16th, 2001 an adorable, bleached blonde guy wearing, picture it, black long-johns with plaid flannel boxers over top and a big ol’ yellow terricloth puma t-shirt kissed me for the first time. he then escorted me back to my tent in the woods and without asking moved in… for the next two months! little did i know he was also moving into my heart and my life.

forever.

that’s the story of how dear hubby and i met in the early months of the summer in 2001. the romance began about 100km’s north of an already northern ontario town called, thunder bay. we were at a camp filled with about seventy young, beautiful, hardy folk there to plant trees. man, those were some freakin’ awesome days and nights. the party nights at planting were the kind of parties that well, no city slicker could ever imagine. kinda like, “what happens in vegas, stays in vegas”, same idea with planting.

the mess tent at night; where we ate, hung out, partied.

treeplanting changed me. this job, this experience really helped me navigate through some typical early twenties “who am i and where am i going?” stuff. it also brought me back to the forest, which i so missed while living in the big city. and it provided an opportunity for me to challenge myself physically, emotionally and intellectually. there were days when i wanted to quit and run away, but my friends and my crew boss, jb, kept me going. there is no place to hide at planting. there is no room, time or energy for facades or fakeness, the job is too demanding.
it’s all real.

the way of life is simple at planting. you work hard and party hard; four days on, one off. you sleep in a tent, your meals are provided for you as is your ride to work. you work all day, come back to camp, eat dinner, shower and go to bed. we got paid 8 cents (CAD) a tree, which back in those days was considered a great wage. the theory is the more you plant, the more cash you earn. and living expenses up there were minimal. we paid a camp fee, which covered our living costs at camp (food, gas etc).

here are a few links for more insight on planting and planters. here’s a how to and dictionary to planter lingo.

getting clean up in the woods was an impossibility as the dirt and soil of the land seeped into our rough, dry, cracked skin (and into our hearts). there was a shower tent at camp, but the showers were quick and mostly used to rinse off the larger chunks of dirt and that day’s bug dope. on our days off, camp would be mostly desolate as everyone would head into thunder bay. luckily for planters, t-bay has a very strong finnish heritage meaning there are public saunas. the routine was: first, we all did our laundry at frank’s laundromat and then people would head to the scan or the hoito or kangas. kangas is where we had our sauna. I’m sure many of you already have your own saunas at home, or have already started looking into reviews for them, for example, from Clever Leverage and other sites – Matt has done an exceptional job reviewing saunas.

each crew had their own van and that’s how we got to work.

these trailers is where we kept our “smellies”.

dinner in the mess tent, with some boxed wine! what a treat!

where we got our safe, clean drinking water.

we had black bears come and visit our camp. usually they showed up while we were all off at work on the block. the ministry of natural resources was called in to trap and move the bears far away. there were strict rules for everyone not to keep ANYTHING with a scent in their tents; no creams, bandages, gum, vitamins, condoms, food etc. bears have a keen sense of smell and as some people found out the hard way, a hungry bear looking for food can really damage a flimsy tent. some planters had their tents torn and ripped by a bear looking for smellies left in the tent. sometimes we saw bears or moose on our drive to work, which was always exciting. we also saw lots and lots of bugs; black flies and mosquitoes were attacking us all day, every day. the black flies loved to fly in your face and into your eyes. there were also deer flies that bit chunks out your flesh! dear hubby wore a bug net religiously over his hard hat, but i found it difficult to work like that, so my face was eaten. it felt like someone had written messages in braille on my face, because the bites were so dense!

at work.

dear hubby’s hands after a day out planting. we used duct tape to protect
our hands.

i knew he was the one right away. there was something different about him. at first we spent every non-working moment together and then eventually we worked together too. he was a fantastic planter, so focussed and determined meaning he didn’t waste his time chatting at the cache or smoking copious amounts of cigarettes like the rest of us. he bagged up and kept slamming them trees in the ground. he was initially thought to be a good influence on me and helped push me to become a better planter, but, then it became too distracting and we’d end up smooching in the clear cut for a while! then, we were placed in different crews!

our final party at camp- end of the season and time to head home.

but here we are, a decade later, with a house and a minivan and two little boys, still together. we talk about planting a lot and at spring time we get a bit nostalgic. dear hubby still has that ol’ yellow terricloth shirt and man o’ man, when he throws it on does it ever bring back memories of our first summer of love.

happy anniversary!

mother’s day.

May 9, 2011 by mama lola

i have asked for silence in the past, but that’s a tricky gift to give with two kiddies. and with a nursing baby it’s not like i can be gone all day doing my own thing. so instead, dear hubby and the boys let me sleep in, which is pretty typical for any weekend morning. and when i say sleep in, i mean until 8am or so, but i didn’t have to tend to the kiddies at 6am and i’ll take that any day!

my boys got me a lens cap, which was one of those essential gifts; something i needed, but kept forgetting to get for myself. and yes, i lost my lens cap. i typically stash it in my pocket, but alas, a few weeks ago i must have left it out in the rain. i also received a lovely hydrangea bush. it’ll be a beautiful addition to our backyard. my favorite gift was some beautiful silk bedding that i’ve wanted for a while now. i’m always really uncomfy in bed so some new bedding was a great gift idea. my husband got me some silk pajamas for Christmas so I can’t wait to sleep in a silky heaven!

mmm…. ~~creeps~~ crepes with fruit and homemade strawberry/ blueberry jam for breakfast and of course the always important cup o’ java.

i gave my mom and my MIL embellished tea towels as gifts. first we traced the kids’ hands and then i got to work cutting and sewing and ironing and cutting and sewing and ironing… it was actually a really great project and something i will do again! i will do up a tutorial this week.

here we are, three mothers and bear without lion as he was snoozing away. all the excitement exhausted the wee lad.

my dad got my mom a mediterranean cruise. it was a surprise and something she has been talking about for a while. they won’t be going until my mom’s birthday in november, but there a lot of details to plan so best to start early!

there was lots of driving and loading and dumping of rocks. as usual. bear is always at work.

we had yummy sushi for dinner and lion LOVED it. he devoured the avocado rolls, but i think his favourite was the simple, but tasty (raw) salmon sashimi.

my first mother’s day with lion and as a mother of two beautiful, amazing boys. i am so proud to be their äiti and can’t imagine what my life would be like without them.

oh wait…. it would be quiet.

mother’s day eve.

May 7, 2011 by mama lola

reclining mother and child by paula modersohn-becke.

tomorrow is mother’s day or äitienpäivä.
we have tentatively invited both sets of grandparents over for a wee afternoon tea party. there will be tasty desserts, an array of teas to choose from and of course this mama’s most important drink: coffee. the weather looks warm and sunny, which will be a nice change from the soggy rain.

wishing all the mamas out there a wonderful mother’s day or hyvää äitienpäivää!!

gibberish.

May 5, 2011 by mama lola

my bear speaks in gibberish. it wouldn’t be such a big deal and worth writing about if the kid wasn’t so bloody annoying with it. he talks in gibberish to everyone and it is especially annoying when i am trying to get some information from him. for example, “do you want milk or water with dinner” and in response i hear “ablibaba digadogy”. i know, i know he’s three and this behaviour is normal and it too will pass and he’ll outgrow and forget all about it. i know he’s probably looking for a reaction from me and pushing my buttons or he’s regressing as his baby brother speaks in baby talk and we all respond as though we understand.

it’s frustrating because bear is very articulate. when he talks in english his vocabulary is extensive; i say this with obvious bias in mind but, others have also commented on his language skills. his finnish is not strong and that’s my fault (insert a million kilos of mother’s guilt here). but back to the gibberish… i’m not really sure what to do about it. it is infuriating when i am trying to talk to him or ask him something and i hear “are you bilagie sihd bibibibib-ta?”. argh: hear mama roar! and the weird thing is, he doesn’t use random sounds, it’s like he’s made his own language as he makes the same sounds over and over again, which eventually we have come to recognize.

we adore window markers. we have one of those all glass storm doors and have been trying to use the cool, rainy days creatively. drawing and colouring are two activities that bear loves, and on this creative afternoon lion did some serious bold strokes with a yellow marker! so fantastic!

and after the rain…

… the glorious sun was out all day warming and shining down on us. we took full advantage of this weather phenomenon and spent most of the day outside. we even left dirty lunch dishes in the sink to be dealt with later! this spring has been very wet and rainy, so it’s been hard to get outside. now, don’t get all “if you dress them right” on me, because yes, we have rain gear and do go out in the rain, but it’s hard because of my non-walking, shuffling around on his butt lion. the rain is difficult for him to manage. so, today we played hard in the sun making up for lost outdoor time!

pasta lunch!

bear is going though a fire fighter stage. he has been playing fire fighter at home, building trucks out of furniture and pillows. i am often told i am a fire fighter as well. bear’s imaginative play is exploding right now, so it was fun today to go and check out some local emergency vehicles on display at the rec centre. it was really hard to take pictures as lion was in the sling, but here is one with the local electrical vehicle and bear standing proudly with his fire chief helmet on. so cute! he was terrified of the actual fire truck and when he was asked if he wanted to check out the inside he panicked. oh well, next time!

if anyone has any earth shaking ideas on how to get over this darn gibberish phase, please share your wisdom with me. i am losing my mind and cool.

thanks.

flowers are to be admired.

May 3, 2011 by mama lola

we had a wonderful relaxing weekend just the four of us. we went on a mini adventure to explore a local garden nursery. we walked through all the various sections in the glorious sunlight, soaked in the warmth pouring down on us. walking through the rows of pansies, violets, geraniums, mums and whole slew of other beautiful flowers, it really got my fingers itchy for the earth’s soil. it’s still a bit too cold to plant anything into the ground where we are. However, if and when it warms up, I can’t wait to plant some beautiful flowers and plants. I’ve already been looking into some plant pots from RediRoot that offer plenty of room for the plants roots and aeration to produce a well branched, fibrous root system for a healthy plant. bear kept commenting on the bright colours and interesting shapes the flowers presented; he is already an avid gardener able to recognize a small handful of flowers, like brown eyed susans.

the nursery had some funky garden statues on sale for $159.99 that bear became enamoured of. look, they’re the same size!

bear’s new dwarf buddies.

when we got home we maintained our gardening groove. after a veggie dog lunch outside we got to work. my guys built a wonderful path from the patio to the shed. I am determined to spend more time in our garden and especially using the shed, after we were advised on getting some solar shed lights to help light our outside space. our hope is to save the grass a bit as the lawn area is quite muddy, and to be honest, I don’t like how it makes the rest of the garden look. Fortunately, my friend had this problem of her own recently, and decided to have this Installation de Tourbe, or Installation of Peat, added to her garden instead. As a result, her high quality natural lawn can now be easily maintained, as well as looking perfect surrounded by her garden shed and flowers. But, we really do want to try and save the bit of grass that we have. Either that or we’re going to somehow look at more space for another shed from the likes of EasyShed Garden Shed manufacturers and enjoy oursevelves some more gardening storage. we bought some white clover to see into the lawn as it is quite low maintenance. unfortunately it has 40% failure rate for getting it going, so fingers crossed everyone!

eventually i hope to plant lots of shade loving plants, like hostas, into that space by the fence as it is quite covered by the trees during the day. if anyone has any suggestions of other shade loving plants that require minimal rays and minimal work, i would appreciate the help.

in the ergo with daddy.

my littlest cub had a tough weekend. although he enjoyed his time watching his big brother dance with dwarfs and build a path, his teething pain kept him quite sensitive. lion would instantly cry if he was set on the grass or floor, so dear hubby and i took turns holding him. i did most of the holding, since with teething comes a lot of nursing! but, this is the strange part: lion is teething his first incisor, which is weird as he does not have any of his other top teeth!

~~~~~~~~~

* in reference to recent events, i will leave you with a quote i saw on a friend’s facebook profile today and wanted to share it with you here. we here in canada are settling into the night wondering what tomorrow brings. it is, after all, federal election night.

“I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.”

Martin Luther King, Jr

mummy dearest i am not.

April 29, 2011 by mama lola

bear has been sick with a cold. we are now closing the book on day three of this terrible sickness. when bear gets a cold, it affects his eyes, BIG TIME! they drip and stream fluid that creates the illusion that he is crying. his nose drips and streams too, so, he’s a complete mess really. he generally hates it when his face is wet with food or tears or whatever and is surprisingly meticulous about wiping his mouth after a meal. it is a skill he has mastered and we are so proud. unfortunately, this wiping turns into a bit of an obsession with the dripping snot. he asks for ” my cloth” constantly, which he prefers to be damp (optimal when wiping hummus out of the corner of the mouth). but this damp cloth fetish wreaks havoc on his beautiful face making it red and irritated and blotchy. today i convinced him to use a dry cloth and well, it wasn’t really any better.

that’s the cloth held tightly in bear’s grasp.

poor sickly bear.

and then with the sickness comes the undesirable behaviour. most of the nonsense i can handle, although today was a struggle; i’m on a handful of hours of sleep thanks to the dripping. argh! so anyhow, to really dig at me, bear calls me “mommy”. this irritates me from here to the moon and back a billion times. at our house i am ÄITI and that’s what i prefer to be called and bear knows it. i don’t know why it bothers me so much, but it does and i know all you parents out there have your own sensitive spots the kids like to target. bear will whimper, scream, moan, and call “mummy, mummy, mummy, mummy…” and no matter what i say or do (or don’t say or don’t do) it just continues.

let’s hope bear forgets about the “M” word overnight!

mmm… banana!

i think lion is getting the cold. he has been sneezing today and i felt a twinge in my throat while doing the dishes. that’s when i dashed upstairs for my oil of oregano. fingers crosses i don’t get sick.

kisses.

sweet dreams and good health to you and yours.

mothering.

April 27, 2011 by mama lola

i have had several conversations with various mama friends about the nature of mothering and i feel it’s time to speak up!!!

mothering is not a competition. it’s not about who is better a mother and whose kids are better. instead, it is a tremendously difficult life long commitment. it is a journey that is intimate and deeply personal. it involves all of our senses; all of our heart, mind, body and soul; it uses our physical, emotional, spiritual and intellectual selves. it is a job that is difficult and taxing with little relief and acknowledgement. it is women’s work.

my mom and i in china.

we look at our own kids and wonder if the choices we have made are right, beneficial or practical. we worry about how badly we have messed up our kids and if there is hope in all the madness sometimes. often we cry alone in our weakest moments and are scared to share our struggles with others. there is great fear in all mothers, new or experienced, to be seen as BAD. to be a bad mother is the worst label of them all. but, this is where i think things get tricky, because there is no clear list of what makes a bad mother (or a good mother for that matter). we are judged harshly by others even though we play on uneven playing fields using different equipment and different rules.

but, we are our worst critics.

when we look at ourselves as mothers, we do not or cannot forgive ourselves for things we have done, as the standard is set so unrealistically high. but, who are we comparing ourselves to? first we compare ourselves to all the other mamas in the world. all of them. not just the ones we know personally, but we also compare ourselves to any person who mothers, whether they be characters in books, movies, or anonymous cyberspace blogger mamas who so conveniently edit and censor their entries leaving out the sad, negative and often self deprecating descriptions of their lives. seems like we will always lose to these comparisons.

i have been a mother for three years now. three wonderful and exhausting years; years that have been very defining for me as i have discovered who i really am. i have come to realize, that yet again, i do not quite fit the mold of “mother” that our society has created. dear hubby and i are attachment parents. for this we,are easy target of snide comments, strident stares and cruel judgements because…

myself with bear three months.

i am a mother who wears and carries her children.
i am a mother who co-sleeps with her children.
i am a mother who breastfeeds on demand.
i am a mother who cloth diapers her babies most of the time.
i am a mother who lives without a tv.
i am a mother who cooks dinner from scratch most nights.

but, so what? these are my personal choices and do not make me any better or worse of a mother and they certainly do not deserve to be evaluated by people outside of my family.

second time holding lion age four days.

although i feel and believe these choices suit my family best, i feel tremendous judgement and pressure to justify these choices. i am a firm believer in respecting each family’s unique way of living. we have never owned a crib, so this becomes a topic of heated discussion and concern for people. they think dear hubby and i am being irresponsible for co-sleeping with our children. but i have to ask, again, whose business is it where my kids sleep?

mothering is a unique experience for all of us. maybe using cribs in one family works really well, but not in another. maybe cloth diapering only makes sense when done every other day for some families. maybe making baby food from scratch is important to one family, but not another. and when these families have made these decisions, i will bet there has been a lot of guilt for not cloth diapering 100%, or buying jarred baby food or whatever.

instead of holding our mothering styles and values to unrealistic standards, let’s instead stand proud for doing the best we can with what we know and what we’ve got.