nature and kids (and an easter weekend update).

April 25, 2011 by mama lola

yesterday we enjoyed a wonderful outdoor adventure on the shores of lake ontario. as we climbed rocks and collected sticks i was remembering the book by richard louv : last child in the woods. the book discusses the declining time children spend with nature and the impact this void can have on them.

i was so lucky growing up in finland being ~~able to~~ encouraged, even pushed to go outside and play in the woods. the forests were wonderful playgrounds for imaginative games and adventures. my friends and i would build nests or forts, collect different kinds of moss and inspect the various life forms we encountered.

in the fall months, after school my mother and i would put on our rubber boots and head into the forest to pick an assortment of mushrooms. she taught be to recognize edible ones from poisonous ones and put me to work. i was about 7 or so, and loved helping my mom while surrounded by majestic trees and the silence of the woods. if i got tired of picking, i was allowed to play and would stand tall on tree stumps looking for faeries or elves that inhabit the finnish forests. sometimes my mom asked me to make markers out of fallen branches or other debris, for good kanttarelli growing locations. that way we would remember them for next time!

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easter weekend update:

this was our table this weekend. note the yummy birthday cake in the middle just waiting to be devoured! the beautiful eggs hanging from the pussy willows are all handmade by my very talented mom. the eggs are blown and then delicately painted. some eggs are coloured using oil pastels, pencil crayons or even just a lead pencil. anyone who has held a blown egg can appreciate the task she encountered when decorating them. they are so lovely to look at and we thoroughly enjoy them!

this is horatio, the bulldog we dog sat this weekend. what a guy!

* HaPpY * BiRtHdAy *

April 21, 2011 by mama lola

birthdays are becoming a reflective time for me. as people around me celebrate their special days, i often find myself looking back and remembering the yesteryears. sometimes i think i should have accomplished more in my life, but then wonder: more of what, exactly. i never did things by the book after high-school. instead, i carved my own path by moving out of my parents’ house at 19, getting a job and paying the rent. i lived in the big ol’ city and enjoyed my young adulthood to its fullest. now in our thirties, i feel there is pressure to accomplish certain societal expectations like a career outside the home (because mothering is not a career, it’s a hobby* said in a very sarcastic tone), owning a house, cars, a tv, but all of that stuff just doesn’t get my blood going. we want to uproot the kids and live in spain and live by the beach, but only for a year or so. we want to travel to developing countries and show our kids how differently other people live. i have no interest in having a tv or another car or a life that is predictable. predictability actually scares the pants off of us! here’s hoping the rest of our thirties will be filled with adventures!

tomorrow it’s my sweet and dear hubby’s 35th birthday. one idea was to go to london to see friends, so i had been looking at East London Venues to throw the best party ever, but instead, we will be celebrating at home, just the four of us and with horatio, the bulldog we’re dog-sitting. we will dance, drink and be merry together. bear will be elated to sing “happy birthday” to daddy and help blow out the candles. i’ve also been thinking about getting a custom neon sign for the walls of our bedroom from sites like www.neonfilter.com to just pep things up. i’m sure he’ll be surprised to see it.

here’s a wee look back at some of dear hubby’s birthdays we have celebrated together over the years. we have other photos too, but since they were taken with a film camera back in the day, i can’t upload them easily onto the blog. all of these pictures are G-rated!

dear hubby’s surprise birthday party in our tiny apartment in china.

this was dear hubby’s birthday in zhenjiang, china in 2002 and was the first we shared together. we were there teaching english. look how young we look!! that time in our lives seems like a million light years away. we were so in love, so young, fearless and full of dreams.

we had just screamed “SURPRISE” and
scared the jeepers out of the guy!

this birthday party in 2006 was so much fun! dear hubby and i were living it up in the big city at the time and were dependent free. at this party we celebrated with good beer, great friends and lots of laughs! dear hubby’s best friend was in town from germany, which was a wonderful treat!

dear hubby’s grandma always gave the best hugs, no matter what the occasion. look at the grip she has on her grandson’s head- now that’s love!

she is dearly missed. xo

dear hubby’s first birthday as a daddy; bear is only two months here.

on this particular birthday in 2008, dear hubby and i hosted family for a crepe brunch in our tiny third floor apartment. it was a very unusually hot day for april, over +20c, hence the summer attire on my guys.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR HUBBY! this year is going to be amazing and fun!!! CHEERS!
I LOVE YOU!

determined with determination.

April 20, 2011 by mama lola

there is a robin flying into our kitchen window. he is doing it deliberately and constantly and the sound of his body hitting the glass is awful. he isn’t going full speed so the sound is more of a tap than a smash. the birdie’s technique is calculated; he sits on the fence about a metre away from the side of the house and then flies in, hits the pane and returns to the fence. he does this several times a minute. mr. robin redbreast has also left a crusty mess on the fence, but hopefully the rain will wash that off.

mr. redbreast sittin’ on the fence, next to decoys wing.

this being said, i will admit, i admire the little fella’s determination. he is so determined to defeat or mate with or whatever, the reflection he sees in the glass. even though he fails miserably after each attempt, he still just keeps on truckin’ with the task at hand: get other bird’s attention!

i am not like this at all. not to say i am not a hard worker, because i am, but i get easily distracted when at home and lose my focus and then my determination on a task. and not just because of the kids, but i am easily distracted by grand decorating ideas or sewing projects and especially by the allure of the shiny, unexplored of the internet. i love to search blogs and websites for sewing tutorials or craft projects. my “bookmarks” tab on my computer is out of hand; i have categories and then sub-categories! it’s that whole maybe one day i will get around to this and that. then to make matters worse i am always yammering on at dear hubby to finish the projects he has started, even though i am almost as bad with my own task completion abilities.

i have grand ideas and am determined to create something special for my kids or friends or family and then get stuck on the planning and preliminary stages of the project. i tend to procrastinate and then eventually run out of time to complete anything. this is where my personal esteem issues start to really play out. i am not going to get into that part of me as once i start to peel back the layers of the onion, the tears will start to pour and i’ll be a mess! the holidays are especially stressful for this very reason!

sewing project mess.

once again, hats off to mr. robin redbreast and his determined soul!

in other news…

ta-daa! bear with this glasses.

my sweet little bear is now the proud owner of a fancy pair of glasses. when he tried them on the first time with his own lenses i was stunned at the strength of the prescription. the lenses are coke bottle thickness, which actually changes the way he looks. heartbreaking… he is rather proud though and i hope he just keeps them on his head. i am trying to teach him that he is not allowed to take them off without permission, as a way to instil loss prevention. we’ll see how this pans out i suppose. i wonder how things will go tomorrow at pre-school.

lion is back to three naps a day. must be a growth spurt as he wants to nurse when not sleeping.

here and now.

April 19, 2011 by mama lola

i am taking today’s entry’s concept from another mama blogger who i love to read.
here is a descriptive list of where i am right here, right now:

i am….

~ listening to bear sing to himself up in bed.

~ feeling the rush of our busy weekend evaporate from my skin.

~ loving my friends deeply and wishing i lived closer to many of them and their kiddos. (heart)

~ touching my wet hair. i always shower in the evenings as i think it saves my sheets!

~ drinking water; i am parched.

~ content with life, although stress is seeping its way in through the cracks.

~ hoping dear hubby will rub my feet tonight. he used do it nightly, but after two kids and work and stuff he only does it a few times a week. poor me, i know.

~ waiting patiently for the big budding lilac bush by the front porch to blossom.

~ enjoying the longer days.

~ wishing for slightly warmer temperatures as we have work to do outside.

~ remembering that a year ago we bought our house, our sweet miss peppermint patty.

~ figuring things out.

lion almost walking at just over 9 months!

bear learning to walk with the vacuum at almost 10 months too!

bear LOVED the drawer under the oven around 10 months;
lion has not figured it out yet, let’s hope it stays that way!

*big difference in picture quality due to big difference in camera quality.

friday, friday.

April 15, 2011 by mama lola

TGIF people!

this weekend is going to be another busy one for us. tomorrow we are going to spend the afternoon working outside with some of dear hubby’s family. it is an early birthday celebration for the guy as his folks will be away visiting dear hubby’s sis down south on his birthday proper. hopefully the weather will decide to co-operate and give us less wind and more warmth as we want to get our brand new shed sealed and waterproofed. check it out!

look at this pretty shed. bear is especially pleased it has finally arrived!

this evening i feel exhausted and am going to share some pictures of my silly guys instead of writing a long entry. here is bear and his bins. that’s lulu rose, the bulldog, in the red one. we will be dog sitting a real bulldog next week; horatio is his name.

too cool for school.

lion’s sweater credit goes to grandma and bear’s hair to auntie K.

i also want to send out BIG, HUGE thanks to all of YOU, my followers and readers. this blogging adventure would be lonely without all the support from all you out there in the in the real world. i love reading the comments and welcome more, even if you don’t agree or like what i am writing about. i have had readers from all over the world, which is exciting!

kiitos.

my sweet wee lion.

help, i need somebody, help.

April 14, 2011 by mama lola

Yesterday was a long day for all of us.

first bear and i went to buy his fancy glasses. he of course was well behaved as he tried on a few pairs of frames. His criteria for choosing a pair was that they had to be red and beautiful like mine! what a guy! The ones we decided upon ended up being more copper than red, but bear seemed quite pleased and we pick them up next week.

then the four of us went to a friend’s mother’s funeral. It was a beautiful and touching service. This family in particular has endured many tragedies over the past few years; the kind that most people never experience in a life time. I lift my hat to them as I admire their strength and courage while they move through another difficult chapter. I often wonder how much help they have asked for versus, how much help they have actually received. There is of course the professional side with funeral insurance, planning arrangements, etc. but the personal side is one that can be hard for all to tap into during this time.

“how are you?”
“fine.”
“can i help?”
“no, i’m ok.”

asking for help is a skill I have not learned. I suffer greatly from the I-can-do-it-all’s and rarely ask for help, even when I desperately need it. I suppose I am scared of being judged as a weak, inadequate, incapable woman and mother. This past year has been a true testament to the inability I have to ask for a helping hand. When I was 7 months pregnant we moved cities and into our own home. though it may seem out of the blue, we had actually been thinking about moving house for a long time before I fell pregnant. you just can’t plan for these types of things, I guess. but we wouldn’t have changed it for the world. so, moving house at this time actually allowed us to accommodate our growing family. we needed more room anyway. I spent many a night looking at homes for sale in windsor colorado, denver, and even towns and cities that were further away because this was an opportunity for us to really have a change of scenery. we came across some beautiful homes that will definitely need looking at again in the future, but when we came to think about it, we just couldn’t bear moving further than we’d like. so, we looked at properties closer to home, and were blessed to find one that we all agreed on. even bump, who gave me some kicks when we were looking at the house.

some may say that we were mad to do this, and I agree. to a point. thinking back, I’m not quite sure why we thought that moving during this time in my pregnancy was a good idea, but we were too far along in the process to change things around now. luckily, we had most things in order. whilst I packed most of our belongings in the evenings and made sure that we had got in touch with companies like SoFi to find a suitable home loan for our needs (https://www.sofi.com/home-loans/), my dear hubby drove to the then “new house” to paint and do minor repairs. this helped massively as at least the house would be ready to move into as soon as possible. sure people offered to help, but I wasn’t sure if it was out of courtesy, so would thank people greatly and assure them we had everything under control. we moved and our lion was born shortly thereafter. as I was recuperating from his ceaserian birth and as we tried to overcome the trauma of his birth, again I declined help. in the late fall when I had my surgery to remove my pituitary gland tumour and was home but still bleeding from my nose and feeling quite rough around the edges, my mother-in-law came to our house everyday. She cooked and cared for bear, while I hovered around feeling guilty. a week after the surgery I convinced everyone I was strong enough to handle the house and kids alone again. I was lucky though, many of my local friends cooked and brought over delicious meals and treats for us to enjoy. this made a huge difference and I cannot express my gratitude enough.

in hindsight though, I realize I was a fool. it seems so silly to have felt guilty for needing help. In reality I don’t think anyone would have seen me as a weak individual and if they had then screw ’em!

I watch as some of my dearest family and friends also suffer from the i-can-do-it-all’s. it is a way of behaving that for some absurd reason has become a norm or expectation. It is especially pervasive with women and even more in mothers. we think our worth, our self worth, is tied tightly to our ability to do everything. to be the heroine. Truth be told, it is the strong and confident individual who will and can ask for help.

also, I don’t want to be a bother or a burden to others. people lead busy lives and have a million items on their to do lists, so the last thing I want is to infringe on them. And do people really mean they will help when they offer? from my experience, offering to help is often a cop-out. A way to make the person offering feel better about themselves and most people do not expect to be taken up on their offer anyway. the most helpful help is tangible action oriented behaviour, like arriving at someone’s house with a vacuum or groceries or whatever fits the need.

bear helping paint the bathroom.

bear helping lion by shoving a stick in his mouth.

attachment parenting.

April 12, 2011 by mama lola

i am having a great parenting week, for a change. typically i can be heard lamenting my woes and lows to fellow mamas, whether on the phone or on the playground. typically, i feel tired and worn down, especially by my challenging three year old bear. his growls and roars are difficult to manage and often i end up losing my cool. being a stay-at-home-mom (SAHM) is a lot of work and dealing with irrational children all day is exhausting, no matter how cute they are. there is no possibility calling in sick and sometimes it’s impossible to even get a break. i can just see all you stay-at-home parents, nodding as you sip yesterday’s cold coffee!

but, the winds have shifted at our house and it’s all because of me. my attitude has shifted. yes, bear continues to be three and pushes my buttons in hopes of a reaction, but i have stopped reacting. just like that, i stopped. now, i breathe, stay calm and get down to his level and talk to him. when he loses his cool i hold him tight, whisper softly and endure the hits in the face. of course i remind him not to hit and all of that, but i don’t snap. i continue to hold him. i am the adult in this relationship and it is my responsibility to role model appropriate behaviour.

lost my voice last week. lucky kids. lucky hubby!

and this is where the attachment parenting comes in for me. i am a true believer in holding, carrying and sleeping with my kids. i think in our society we have misconstrued something so simple as touch and twisted it into being about sex. touch and touching is an intimate way to express love to those you care about. for my sweet bear, i have come to understand that his recent spike in difficult behaviour has been about jealousy and the lack of meaningful touch from me. he watches as i breastfeed his baby brother, as i carry lion in the sling or in my arms through-out the day, as i cradle our smallest cub and rock him to sleep. bear feels sad, left-out, angry, envious, resentful, forgotten, neglected; or at least these are the emotions i think he is feeling as he can’t describe what’s going on. he does however go through phases of barking (i know, lucky me), extreme screaming fits, whining, hitting, and other typical age appropriate behaviour. now that i have clued into this, i make a point of touching him, holding him, talking to him at his level (not from up high as usual) and acknowledging his confusing feelings he has started to listen to me again. actually listening to me. he also shows great tenderness towards me again with hugs and kisses, which he cut off from me for a long time. mutual respect goes a long way, baby!

very soon (like in a week or so) we will be night weaning lion, so dear hubby and i will switch the beds and kids we sleep with. since lion’s birth in july, which was quite stressful and confusing for bear, as i was in the hospital for almost a week, dear hubby has co-slept with bear. this sleeping arrangement was our attempt to try and curb jealousy and i think initially it worked. plus, as many of you know bringing a new member into the family can be very upsetting to the older sibling(s). anyhow, i feel confident that our future musical beds dance will only be positive for my relationship with bear.

lion’s first ride in the wagon. both boys over the moon!

what a fantastic weekend!

April 11, 2011 by mama lola

this weekend we were outside getting a great start to the upcoming gardening season. i raked heaps of last year’s mucky leaves and dear hubby emptied, layered and re-organized our two compost bins, while our wee beasts played in the glorious sunshine and warm temperatures. as we cleaned up debris we were witness to the start of new life and the regeneration after winter’s bitter cold. spring really is all about the renewal of life and is such a big part of the cycle.
it is re-energizing.
we have one little, yet beautiful, crocus in full bloom in our front yard. it has many companions just waiting to reveal their bright faces to the sun. my chives are working hard too.
we have lived in this little house of ours for almost a year.

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and now something completely different…

ok. i have to tell you guys about this great event i went on saturday morning. i saw some local friends posting about an event on facebook: “women’s clothing and accessory exchange”. a clothing exchange you ask? well, the way it worked was, all the clothes were donated and if you attended the event and brought a bag of donations you paid $5 to get in, if you donated nothing then you paid $10. then, and this really was the best part, you got to pick and choose through all the clothes, shoes, purses, belts, jewellery and take whatever you wanted. just like that, no questions and NO $$$! the only catch was that all the donated items had to be spring themed, which honestly is not a catch, but logical really. i came home with some pretty home-made mitts, some cute tees, light knitted sweater things, a few dresses, oh and a totally awesome turquoise and red belt! this whole event was so amazing; not only is it affordable for someone like me (no $$$, unemployed hubby), it recycles other people’s goods which is fantastic for the environment, but it also builds local community. there were two rooms, one for the goods and the other where local crafters and artisans had donated things for the silent auction, there were comfy chairs where one could drink the coffee or tea offered or snack on some of the yummy treats, while others tried on clothes and modelled outfits asking for opinions. just writing about it is killing me, the atmosphere was so comfortable, fun and light.

this was a great way to start my saturday morning. i went alone, without any babies or kids or a husband to herd and watch for. i took my time, chatted with a few familiar and some unfamiliar women, gave some fashion advice (i know, me haha!), and had a chance to re-charge my batteries.

check the velour pants. sexy mama!

and one last question: should i open an etsy shop? this is where my head is at. with dear hubby’s work situation i gotta make some money for my family and working outside the home seems unrealistic at this point. opinions? other income ideas?
thanks.

do you want to play with me?

April 7, 2011 by mama lola

bear is patiently waiting for lion to learn how to walk independently. he is also patiently waiting for lion to learn how to run, talk in a language he can understand, hold a marker without gnawing on it and help bear fix all the things that need fixin’ around the house.

it’s hard to be patient when the guy you’re waiting for was once the same size as a doll!
lion (1 month) with mac, hand crafted by a mama at sewfunky.

both boys smiling at the same time for the camera! unheard of!

matching pj’s for lion at 2 months and bear at 2.5 years. lion looks worried.

my heart aches with pride when i watch my bear take on the big brother responsibilities with such ease and joy. he redirects little lion by reminding him of sharp corners or edges and offers more age appropriate toys. i overhear him say things like “it’s ok lion, i’m here, äiti (mom) is here… it’s ok to cry though”. are you kidding me?! these gentle words are filled with such tenderness and love which lion is so lucky to hear from his big brother.

trying to get a nice picture of the boys was a disaster at christmas.

our fantastic stroller with the added toddler seat so i can push both animals together.
bear LOVES sharing the stroller with lion.

the trouble with two, is you have twice the work! way to pull two kids daddy-o!

bear is into tools and fixing things and is teaching little bro all about safety!

now that lion has figured out how to move from point A to point B, it has created moments of obvious sibling tension. lion goes after bear’s toys or puzzle pieces and as a way to protect his turf bear yells: “no lion, no. that’s mine… but you can have this” and will present lion with a different toy. kills me every time.

more matching pj’s- couldn’t help it as they were on sale $2.94 a pair… in the girls section!
bear 3yrs and lion almost 9 mths.

this evening as i was preparing dinner lion was on the kitchen floor rubbing his gums with a spoon and bear came over and said “do you want to play with me lion?” aaaahhhhhh!!!! i almost burst into tears of joy!

my boys are very lucky to have each other.

oh baby: two birth stories, kinda.

April 4, 2011 by mama lola

the birth of a baby is an emotional experience, no matter what the labour, no matter what the delivery. it can be 2 in the morning or it can be 2 in the afternoon, no matter what time of the day it is, it’ll be overwhelming. it doesn’t matter if the baby’s gender is a surprise or if a gender test australia has been used to determine the gender before birth. each birth is a unique and special experience.the births of my sons were so completely different from one another. during my pregnancy with bear i discovered that i was a homebirthing kinda mama and so dear hubby and i started down that path while still only weeks pregnant. in the end, neither bear’s nor lion’s birth was what we had planned for or wanted, but my choices were limited due to external circumstances.

bear was supposed to be born at home in a rented birthing tub, with dear husband and my two midwives by my side. but, unfortunately a week prior to my due date, our landlords at the time presented us with a letter from their lawyer stating they had changed their minds about allowing the tub in our third floor apartment. unfortunately, the tub was already sitting and waiting for bear’s birth. that day i cried like i’d never cried before. tears streamed down my cheeks and puddled on the floor. dear hubby, shocked by the sudden turn of events, tried to console me the best way he knew how. i felt devastated, betrayed and terrified. i had dreamed of a water birth and to change things so close to bub’s birth was difficult. my midwives were supportive and reminded us that i could still have a homebirth, even if we couldn’t use the rented tub. and so that was new plan, birth at home without the tub.

on february 12, 2008 at 6:30am my waters broke. it was almost a week past the estimated due date so i was excited to finally see some labour action. i ran (who am i kidding, i waddled!) to wake up dear hubby. he jumped up with excitement and was ready for action. unfortunately there were only very, very mild contractions, but we still decided it was best to call the midwives. they suggested we try to get more sleep and we made an appointment to see them later that morning. dear hubby and i could not imagine sleeping, but instead in our excitement chatted, made some phone calls and sent out a few emails.

well, long birth story short. after 50 hours of labouring, with intense contractions right on top of each other for two nights, and a couple of quick visits to the local hospital only to be sent back home to labour more, bear was eventually born via induction at the hospital. i pushed for about an hour and was the luckiest mama ever as all of a sudden the OB said “put your hands down and catch your baby”! so i did!!! my beautiful baby bear slid into my arms and into this world, with dear hubby grinning proudly and my midwives at my side.

i looked at one of my midwives in fear and said “but i don’t know anything about boys” to which jackie smiled and said “now you’ll learn”.

though i didn’t know anything about boys, i did know that he was perfect. he was the most beautiful baby i had ever laid eyes on in my life. call me biased, but it’s true. to be honest, after laboring for that long, i was worried that he may be born with some defects, but i was blessed that i had fantastic doctors and midwives on hand to make sure that didn’t happen. i had read about birth injuries and how to visit a site like this one here if this had happened to us and we wanted to look for compensation. people i know have done this before and succeeded, so we had options. luckily, he was perfect in every way, and i couldn’t want to go through life with him.

taking bear home was the best but scariest moment of my life. we were very prepared and had been on mommyhood101 reading reviews and choosing all the best products out there, but all of a sudden you get home and feel so unprepared. it’s a unique experience to say the least.

bear was perfect.

i think the initial stress of being denied the water birth by our landlords caused my body to react physically and stalled bear’s birth. also, because i laboured for so long after my waters broke and i had not taken the GBS test at 36 weeks of pregnancy, i ultimately had to be induced. when i went in for my first induction attempt i was verbally harassed by the attending OB, which was very stressful and upsetting, and i think ultimately stalled my labour even more. as we all know, stress is a very powerful reaction to countless triggers that we sense emotionally, physically, intellectually. it impacts every cell in our bodies, every thought and dream, all of our internal systems that keep us alive.

my experience with lion was completely different. first of all, he was our shocking little autumn surprise and we were thrilled to be expecting again in ’10! in my first trimester i started having terrible headaches that after some investigation were eventually linked to my pituitary gland tumour, which was discovered just days before christmas in 2009. we met with one of the neurosurgeons similar to dr timothy steel and decided it was best to wait until after the baby was born to talk surgery for removing the tumour. this meant, to my dismay, i was labeled “high risk”. high risk meant i could still have my wonderful midwives, but only for moral support. i was sent to a fancy hospital out of town where i was under the care of a high-risk OB and an endochronologist (hormone specialist). my pregnancy was normal considering i had this huge growth in my head, so it was planned that i would have a natural birth at the fancy hospital, where they had tubs and birthing chairs for use. but, then at the end of my second trimester, my headaches got worse and after a second MRI they determined the tumour was actually growing and it was decided that i had best have a scheduled c-section at 37 weeks. i was driving home alone after the appointment during which the c-section information was revealed and i had to pull over. i was crying so hard i couldn’t see. i called dear hubby at work and he was instantly scared. not only was i having a c-section, which is major abdominal surgery, but because of the tumour i would have to be put under a general anaesthetic (instead of the usual epidural). this meant that dear hubby was NOT allowed into the delivery room and meant because i would be unconscious our wee baby boy was going to be born completely alone.

when i came to after lion’s birth dear hubby was there with terrifying news. baby lion was not breathing properly at birth and was rushed out of the operating room to the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit).

well, another long birth story a bit shorter, after a week in the special care nursery lion was finally allowed to come home. bear was finally able to meet his little brother as was everyone else.

big bear and little lion meet. here, lion was about to be transferred from
the big fancy hospital to our local hospital.

i struggle with the births of my sons. to this day i carry tremendous guilt and so desperately wish i could have birthed my boys at home, in the peace and quiet of a dimly lit room, with soft music playing, and in water, with the love and support of my dear hubby and my midwives. people keep asking if we’ll have a third child, you know, to have that home birth finally. i’m not going to go for a third, just so i can TRY to have a home water birth. there are no guarantees as we have learned. also, getting pregnant and birthing again, means a whole new person would be joining our family. it’s not quite so cut and dry. all i will say is, we’ll see.