the other evening bear and dear hubby were in the kitchen cleaning up after dinner. bear had been really pushing the boundaries that day and by evening he was royal pain with his nonsense! then, there was an abrupt bang, then bone chilling, hair raising screams from the kitchen and dear hubby’s calm words trying to console bear. bear had had his left hand smushed by a window. we have one of those old fashioned windows you push up and then prop open with a stick, and i guess the stick was teasing our three year old and so, yeah, he took out the window support and BANG! it was awful to see him in such obvious pain and i felt like a neglectful, bad parent for opening the window and propping it open like that. of course, we had talked to bear about not touching it and i think right before the incident i heard dear hubby tell bear not to touch… but, so it goes. 

luckily our family doctor has an on-call service, so after icing the fingers and giving bear a dose of acetaminophen, we decided best to call just in case we were missing something. while dear hubby chatted with the on-call doctor, bear and i sat in the playroom discussing the pained incident. he vowed never to do it again and explained that it was a mistake. my heart filled with pride listening to his profound analysis. he obviously needed to debrief the situation, just like me and it was nice to hold him and help him through the intellectual side of the incident. as the drugs kicked in and the adrenalin wore off, bear quickly fell asleep snuggled in my lap. 

without a peep or complaint all night, bear woke up in the morning in a little bit of pain, but seemed to be in good spirits. with doctor’s orders from the previous evening’s on-call advice, bear and i headed to our family doctor, who was luckily able to see us first thing. she had a quick look at the swollen pinky and sent us for x-rays at the local hospital. my heart sank and i got scared instantly. what would we do if the finger or hand was broken? i felt like crying. but, i held back and we headed to the hospital. there we got the x-rays done quickly without any waiting. bear was scared, but i kept whispering sweet notions into his ear which built his courage, i think. he kept his wee hand so still and moved it accordingly for each set of the pictures. again, my heart filled with such pride.

a blurry picture while waiting for the x-ray. brave bear.

finally, after waiting for almost an hour we got the all clear: NO BROKEN FINGER!

tending to our veggie garden.

in the afternoon we played outside in the backyard, always very mindful of the painful left hand. bear kept the wrist limp and never even tried to use it for anything. poor fella!

high five, bro!

look out butterflies, there’s a catcher in town!

here’s the damage…

the pinky is the most damaged part of his wee hand. it looks worse in real life and he wouldn’t let me take a picture of it. this one i had to sneak in.

we had a terrible hour on tuesday between 11:45am-12:45pm. we were visiting my folks in the big city and all i had to do was walk to the subway station and pick-up a set of car keys from dear hubby. he was working in the city that day. the walk to the station is 10 minutes max for an adult. i had carelessly left my keys back home (an hours drive), and i couldn’t get into the car. i thought i was going to have to call a Locksmith Clevedon (or one local to my area) to try and sort the situation for me. dear hubby was taking his lunch hour to get on the subway and bring me the keys.

he’s getting more confident on his bike; way to ride dude!

i am not sharing this parenting disaster story as way to seek pity, but as a way to normalize these awful minutes, hours or days that happen with our kids. bear and i are going through a rough time and i am desperately searching for something to help resolve this family crisis of sorts. we are beyond consistency and expectations, although i do believe in those, but i feel like we are even more derailed than that. i am more lost than i initially understood or wanted to admit. all of that being said, i do believe we can find our way again, especially with lots of love and maybe some more self care on my part.

we went and saw “bob the builder” do a free show in the big city after the screaming fiasco. bear was excited during the show, but terrified to meet him afterwards. can’t really blame the kid, look how big bob’s head is! later bear told me bob has soft hands.

happy long weekend my fellow cannucks! see you on the other side!

i am in a parenting rut, yet again. bear is a growly beast these days and it makes our day to day life quite challenging. i know it’s age related, but i think there’s more to it and that darn mother’s guilt is weighing heavily yet again upon my shoulders. when dear hubby lost his job back in march it really turned our world upside down, again. we had just found a groove and had planned summer adventures, when everything came crashing down, again. thankfully dear hubby has computer programming to fall back on and friends who hired him immediately to do various contract jobs.


even though financially we have felt quite secure, ya know, had money to pay for the mortage, groceries, we have still felt very stressed since the career change in spring. the stress has come from the demanding hours and the fact that dear hubby commutes to the big city twice a week. on those days i’m alone with the kids for 13 hours.


now, i am realizing bear is heavily influenced by this new schedule, as he can’t have breakfast or dinner with daddy every day any more. he feels the void of not having daddy around as much and has no idea how to express or deal with these emotions. instead, he has regressed from the toilet back onto the potty, screams directly into people’s faces, is known for bolting in parking lots, is physically mean to lion and myself, and just doesn’t listen. i realize this is all typical three year old behaviour, but i think for him it is exaggerated due to the stress he feels at home. his sleep habits have changed too. he was napping quite regularly for a while and is asking to be sung to every night, again. 

you see, on dear hubby’s commute days i am often low with patience, exhausted and feeling lonely. i try my best to maintain a level or calm and peace, but sometimes i get pushed over the edge. and sometimes, i don’t necessarily take it out on the kids, but instead on dear hubby, which just adds to the mess of stress.
sigh.


on a brighter note, lion started walking yesterday after iltapala (bed time snack). it was a feat we have been waiting for him to conquer, as he has been cruising for months and months. finally he took the plunge, so proud!

and tomorrow is hillside. bear drew a picture of what some of it may look like: him and lion sitting in the chariot stroller as daddy pushes. he did later add me in the chariot with just one eye! pure genius, but don’t tell him i said that! 

me: death is a part of life. charlotte is gone. like roo died and is not here any more [cue lump in my throat].
bear: will horatio* die?
me: yeah, he will. everything living dies. people, cats, dogs, flowers, trees.
bear: when will everyone die?
me: i don’t know. it’s different for everyone.
bear: trees die? when they fall down?
me: yup.
bear: we have to be inside so they don’t fall on us.
*horatio is a bulldog belonging to someone else in the family.

this was the discussion that bear and i had after he finished watching “charlotte’s web”. such a classic, such a tear jerker. bear yelled at one point “charlotte died äiti” so i came running in and watched the last minutes of the movie with tears streaming down my face. our conversation made me feel inadequate to answer questions about these important life events. finding the age appropriate language and context is hard.

roo is deeply missed [cue lump in throat].