weekend guilt.

November 12, 2011 by mama lola

my computer is STILL getting fixed. and now to my shock and horror the lense on my nikon is not working, so i have basically stopped taking pictures. technology and i just don’t get along!

[source]

SATURDAY:
it feels as though every day i fight the same fights with my three year old. every morning it starts with getting dressed and then it’s about getting shoes or boots on to go outside and then it’s about tidying up….. lately though things have gotten worse and this weekend i lost it. this mama of a pressure cooker lost her cool in a shameful way. every time i asked bear to do something he sat there on the floor and whined and did nothing. i tried threatening him, bribing him and nothing worked. i wanted to go to the new micheals in town and since we’re almost out of paint, i told bear we could go and buy some new ones. he shook his head and said “no. i don’t want to.” really? what kid does not want go and buy new paints? i was flabbergasted.
i just don’t understand the necessity to repeat each of these fights. i mean, i get it; it’s all about power and control and we’re both fighting for it. and i get that he’s feeling overwhelmed by all of the independence he has discovered as of late, but, c’mon, surely we don’t have to fight about getting shoes on every single effing day.
or maybe we do.

but this weekend clarified for me that i have lost my mothering ways in all of this. i have lost my solid ground as i am losing my cool too quickly. i need to revisit some of my parenting books, for the reminders i need to stay focused and present at the task at hand. when i point fingers and shout and say stupid things like “because i said so” (which is the dumbest thing to say in my opinion), i immediately feel guilty and like the worst mother on this planet. and as that self-hatred boils hotter inside of me, i shout a wee bit louder and emphasize my point even that much more. augh. this is not the kind of mama i want to be, even during my weakest moments.
i wish i was stronger. i wish i could climb into an armoured suit during some of these daily battles as a way to protect myself, but ultimately to protect my bear from the reaction he receives from me. the suit would hide my rageful face and silence my screams.
i went to bed feeling alone and empty.

this image is grainy and blurry; not sure if that’s blogger or the laptop i’m on. sorry. but, bear built this amazing barn with me and then wrote out a stop sign for the entrance, so funny!

SUNDAY:
this morning, to my delight i received a warm sunny call from a darling friend. it was as if she had heard the upset thoughts racing through my mind and decided to touch base. and that was exactly what i needed, to touch base and get grounded in my mothering. my friend talked me through the weeks events and listened to me vent as i complained about the struggles i have been dealing with.
after her words of wisdom, i felt stronger and wanted to have a better sunday than we had had saturday. we did a wee bit of christmas shopping, ran a few errands and actually had fun as a family while doing some mundane things.

******
then, there is tremendous guilt i feel for even complaining about my family and my life. at least i am alive, here and present at this time to mother. about a week ago a woman. jenna morrison, was killed while biking to pick up her son from school. she was 38 years old, a yoga instructor, a wife and five months pregnant. her death has been on my mind a great deal, even though the accident happened in toronto, but because she could have been a friend of mine or me. People I know could have had to contact lamber goodnow to get a case filed, and it could have been anyone I know. this is what so many of us mamas do, we travel back forth between schools, parks, grocery stores, doing what we do to care for our families never really thinking something like this can happen. her death was tragic.

there will be ghost ride for jenna tomorrow morning in toronto. please attend if you can.and demand your own community to create safer roads for cyclists.
******
stay safe.
xo

they grow up too fast!

November 10, 2011 by mama lola

**my computer is still getting repaired, so my pics are unedited and look pretty rough around the edges.

i’ve been sick this week, feeling sorry for myself as this darn strep throat has invaded my body.

my slow energy has not slowed the boys down however. with growing up comes unwanted behaviours and attitudes. our bear has in fact turned into a bit of a liar. he lies about big things and about little things and although i understand that it is a part of development, it doesn’t mean i have to like it.

working on a birthday treat for a special friend.

the latest lie that we caught him in was when he denied cutting lion’s hair! at some point in the afternoon he had taken a pair of scissors and randomly cut around lions’s crown. he said that lion had pulled his own hair out. hmph…. the clumps of blonde hair dear hubby found were shocking and i have since saved them in a ziplock bag and labeled the bag with a description of what had happened!

so it’s not the cutting that bothers me, it’s the blatant lying. although, yes scissors can be dangerous, but the lying… man o’ man that kid is good. when i tried my cop skills on him hoping to get him to trip on his story, he didn’t. he stuck to his original script and didn’t trip once. his face lost all of its sweetness and looked hard as he spun his malicious and manipulative story. i am slightly lost as to what to do.

pasta a la face! you can kind of see that one side of lions hair is wispier than the other.

and lion. with his new funky hair-do he really is such a passionate little guy. my littlest little chicken wing, as i fondly call him, is experiencing a tremendous growth spurt physically and cognitively. he is sleeping so much, eating more than his big brother at times and just watching the world that much closer. his comprehension has been blowing us away lately and i think it’s because we have always thought of lion as our baby, but he is really not a baby anymore, but instead a thriving toddler. he works hard to keep up with bear and catches on to the rules of a game quickly. if things don’t go his way he screams and squeals until dear hubby or i come and resolve the situation. his energy is high spirited and he is determined to get things to go his way. he fearlessly climbs onto furniture and gets stuck up top and screams as he does not know how to make his way down.
what a lion!

as i sit and type i am surrounded by my silent house, i am again reminded of the bittersweet role i hold as their mother. the boys are tucked in their bunk-beds and another day has come to an end.

i am so proud of my children.
i love them so.

new york, NEW YORK! [part 3}

November 8, 2011 by mama lola

*my computer is still being repaired and i am desperately trying to complete my entries on an ancient macbook that is lacking any basic photo editing software. i have attached a few rough pics, but once my computer is back with me, i will edit and post more pictures.
*****
we left canada on a roadtrip to the USA to visit family and attend a joyous wedding. details can be seen here PART 1.
our limits were tested on saturday during the noreaster storm. here is what happened in all of that snow PART 2.
*****
when we woke up on sunday morning and peeked through the curtains to see blue skies and sunshine, i will admit i felt like crying. i was just so relieved! no snow, no storm, no weather issues to be seen anywhere. so, quickly we packed up our room, checked out and hit the streets of new york for our last day there. It’s fair to say that we have been feeling romantic whilst we’ve been here and I just can’t believe its our last day. There is just so much more that I wanted to do and see but time has gone so quickly. Hopefully we will have the opportunity to come back again soon. I can’t stop thinking about that day already! I should probably stop that and focus on our last day instead.

times square.

we felt optimistic and hopeful of our day and upcoming visit with dear hubby’s sister and her mister. we tromped up 7th street and headed for times square. once there, i was a bit confused why this obscene show of advertising and flashing lights was a tourist attraction, but there we were snapping away with the camera. bear was immediately over stimulated by the whole place and hid in the stroller with the sunshade pulled all the way down, while lion slept in the ergo. our mission was to see the zoo at central park, as promised to the kids. we were also meeting up with dear hubby’s sister for some quality time.

we arrived at the park to open gates and streams of people walking in. we had grabbed a lunch to go and were looking for a spot for a picnic. as we walked along the paths, the reality of the trauma the trees in the park had suffered from the previous day’s storm was devastating. If there had been any houses around they’d need to contact someone like Round Rock roof repair contractors for sure. Thankfully, it seemed that no one was hurt in the park from the damage.

fallen branches.

we were all shocked at the amount of damage to individual trees, but also to the park as a whole. bear and lion walked and ran freely as we explored the wonder that is central park. once dear hubby’s sister joined us we ate lunch on some rocks and then headed to the zoo.

a hilarious picnic in central park.

we got a bit lost on the paths and asked a park employee for directions, who surprisingly told us the park was officially closed, therefore the zoo was closed as well. we looked around at the hundreds of people walking, jogging, biking through the park, confused as there were no signs that the park was closed. so, we decided to just walk and go see the alice in wonderland statue.

guggenheim.

from there we walked up to the guggenheim, across to lexington and there we hopped on the subway. i was a bit uncertain of getting on with our stroller, but dear hubby forced his way on!

by dinner time it was time to bid farewell to the city that never sleeps and head an hour north to dear hubby’s sister’s place. we took one last look at grand central station and its beauty and glory and then boarded our train north. the kids were tired, we were tired and we just wanted to get to the apartment.

train ride home.

well, as the train rolled into our station around 7pm the conductor warned people getting off the train to be careful as the town was still out of power. it was pitch black, slippery and cold. they had lost power saturday afternoon and there was still no sign of it returning. the town was eerie as we made our way up main street, guided only by passing car lights. the local pizza joint was open for business as they had an emergency generator. Quite often, in storms of this severity, businesses will sustain damage to their property which makes getting insurance quotes via Lending Expert all the more important if businesses don’t wish to lose out. up in the apartment, there were candles lit and the ambiance was cozy, even though we were all frustrated with the situation.

cozy night.

apparently many of the surrounding communities were all out power and there was talk that it may take until wednesday to have it all up and running again!!! we hunkered down for the night and slept under many blankets, in toques and the kids wore their finnish woolly suits. i had bear to snuggle close with, while dear hubby and lion kept warm in the other room together as the outside temperatures kept dropping to close to -10c.

oh, lou!

homesteader L crushing coffee beans with his handy mortar and pestal.

on monday morning we still electricity free, so dear hubby’s sister’s mister the ingenious homesteader crushed coffee beans with his mortar and pestle for a hot cuppa coffee in the morning! Luckily they had a gas stove so we were also able to make warm porridge and boil water. Who’d have thought that Grinding Coffee Beans for the best morning coffee could be done with a mortar and pestle; not something I would recommend to do daily though!
We visited a farm dear hubby’s sister worked at in the summer, which bear was so happy to experience.

walking through the farm.

it gave him the opportunity to run and play in the snow, which he has been waiting for since, well, forever. we saw pigs, sheep, goats and cows and a donkey. some beautiful chickens and horses. driving to and fro from the glynnwood farm we were again witness to the devastation from the storm; trees down everywhere.

that afternoon it was time to say our good byes and start driving back home to canada. we drove over half way and stopped in the town of bath for a sleep.

a sleepy lion with muumi mamma.

studious bear working on his activity book.

all in all our trip was an adventure that could only happen once in a lifetime. sure, NYC will be there, but the combinations of weather, no power and the wonderful joys we shared with our friends and family were unforgettable.

birth. stories.

October 26, 2011 by mama lola

looking for submissions: a friend is looking for birth stories for her blog MotherGather. it’s a wonderful resource for new and experienced mamas (or anyone really) and a platform where women can share their own birth stories. western society has warped the importance of birth by dismissing its importance as an experience to be celebrated and acknowledged as a milestone in a fertile woman’s life. hollywood and our media bombard us with images of birth as a painful, “man hating ordeal” where women are at the hands of experts. i find this distressing, because it is inaccurate and sends the wrong message to moms of what the true experience will be like. but, birth stories don’t just have to involve a mother birthing a baby out of her body, they can include parents adopting children and birthing a new family, so to speak. this of course is never talked about in media or hollywood honestly either.

i know from my own experiences, the births of my two cubs, that although they were completely different, neither was what i had expected. or hoped for. but, that being said, i did the best i could in each day, hour and moment of labour and delivery with each of my boys. i did the best i could, with what i knew at the time. and, that is the best anyone of us can do during birth. or life.

after bear’s birth, i felt like a failure. as if not bringing to fruition my idealized, romanticized and fantasized images of labour and delivery would somehow brand me as a bad mother for the rest of my life. as if the different road that was travelled for those 59 hours that i laboured and the one hour i delivered, somehow makes me a failure, because i was not at home and in a tub. sounds silly, even to me as i type this but, alas, this is a part of my struggle as a human, a woman and as a mama. perfection, or what i consider to be perfection for me. i would never imagine holding someone else up to these exorbitant expectations, as i logically understand that they are unrealistic.

when did my babies stop being babies?

lion’s first haircut. i trimmed his bangs.

it’s time to bid farewell to you, my faithful readers, but only for a short while. we are headed to the big apple for a week and while we are frolicking in the streets of the city that never sleeps, my computer will be undergoing some serious surgery at the techie-hospital. i will be offline for a while, but will return with buckets overflowing with pictures and stories of our adventures. our days will be filled with trips to central park, FAO schwartz, MOMA, and times square, just to name a few. we will also be witness to the nuptials of some lovely friends on friday, but best of all our city weekend is bookended with quality time with dear hubby’s sister and her mister. it’s been a while since we’ve seen them and we are anxiously awaiting shared dinners, hikes along forest trails and just the opportunity to catch up on all of the important stuff.

please have your fingers crossed for us, and hope that we have a rainless vacation, especially on saturday and sunday. the experts have gone from rain, to snow to sun and back. yesterday the forecast for saturday called for 10mm+ rain and today all sun, all day. how can they be so different??

see you in november!

homemakers, homemaking and me.

October 21, 2011 by mama lola

i am reading this absolutely amazing book radical homemakers by shannon hayes. it is a book about how our current consumer driven society came to be. how we evolved from homes with two homemakers, where two adults worked all day to maintain the household and family. they worked in the home, for the home, for the family. today, homes sit empty all day while people leave their homes to work for someone else so that they can afford their homes. it is about the consumer society that has dictated a new norm and we are all supposed to follow this path in order to maintain the buy, buy economy. hayes argues, for example, that there is excessive value placed on work, especially over work, keeping family members away from the home and separated from each other. this in turn has led to rising rates of depression and other mental health illnesses in the USA, where hayes is writing from and about. her book is well researched, presented and for myself, has made me take a closer look at my family and our values and think about where we’re headed with the choices we are making.

lion loves to help in the kitchen.

i am a stay-at-home-mama by choice. years before dear hubby and i were ever married and seriously considering parenthood, i knew one day i wanted to be a stay-at-home-mom. dear hubby has always been very supportive of this career path of mine and shared the belief of its importance. and yes, i do call it a career path or choice. homemaking is what i do all day, it is my work, my job. i may not receive monetary compensation for it, but i tend to our home and tend to the needs of the people living in our home. i ensure there is healthy food, clean clothes, clean living spaces, safe activities for the children, and much, much more.

being a fulltime at home parent is a rarity. there is tremendous pressure in our society to own lots of stuff, as that is a way to measure our success and ultimately, our self worth. the sizes of homes are getting bigger, but not because families are, but because of what it represents. the bigger the car, home, or diamond the more money they have and the happier they must be. but, according to hayes, research has proven this assumption is massively wrong. more money often means more hours worked, which actually means people are unhappier, because their time is very limited with their family.

i often get quite defensive when explaining my reasons for wanting to be at home. i feel like i have to justify that what i do is legitimate work and not just a lazy day with the kids. i in fact take my at-home duties very seriously, as i would with any job. for example, i try to feed my family fresh, nutritious foods, making meals from scratch most evenings. i am trying to teach my children how to enjoy a variety of foods; understand that food is grown on farms thanks to hard working people and doesn’t just appear in the grocery store. it is very important to us that our kids appreciate the manual labour and handmade aspect of their toys or clothes or food. obviously these discussions are short, as our kids are small, but we do acknowledge the fact that someone had to pick the fruit we are enjoying and someone had to ship it here and then someone else had to unpack it at the store.

we picked these apples and are making an apple crisp.

sneaky little bro trying to grab an apple chunk!

our society has lost the basic skills to darn, sew, knit, make clothes or fix cars, appliances, tools or grow and make our own foods, like bread. everything is ready-made for us. when things break, we toss them away and buy a new one.

in our household we make a conscious effort to try and make things, like gifts, for the kids, family and friends. for example, last christmas the boys got a much adored kitchen dear hubby built from an old night stand we purchased secondhand. i sewed some simple food items and found some real kitchen items from value village to round out the gift. this was our way of continuing our christmas traditions that will hopefully create a smaller foot print environmentally, but willalso create a sense of pride in the handmade items, no matter how small. we have been known to make soups, cookies, other baked treats, soaps and small sewn items as gifts for people.

all of that being said, i will admit that i too feel the pressures of keeping up with the jones’ (whoever they are). i want to have beautiful clothes, furniture and stainless steel everything, and i often feel the pressure to go out and get a paying job, so that we can afford more stuff. but, then i am reminded that we in fact do not want that stuff. we don’t want a tv, another car or fancy tech toys that are all the rage these days. what we do want is to see and experience the wonder of new places and people; we want live and work abroad, dear hubby seriously wants to sail around the world as a family, but most importantly we want to do EVERYTHING together.

i hope i didn’t come across as self-righteous. i am only speaking of my life and my family and what works for us. we are very much a work in progress.

here’s a little mama humour to leave you with on this soggy wednesday; something i found on pinterest.

a wedding.

October 17, 2011 by mama lola

dear hubby and i had a pretty and perfect wedding february 17th 2007. there was beautiful fresh snow, a calm air to the occasion and the idyllic setting even presented wild deer walking past the river at dusk! this is us getting a few photo’s outside with the gently falling snow and unfortunately without the deer.

bear has been at it again with the questions. this fantastic conversation took place on the couch just the two of us. topic: marriage.

bear: when will i get married?
me: when you are an adult. when you are in love with a man or woman or someone. but, you don’t have to get married. not everyone is.
bear: why do people get married?
me: it’s a way demonstrate commitment to the one person you love. some people choose to get married and others don’t.
bear: who is married?
this is where i start listing all the people he knows who are married, from aunts and uncles to grandparents to friends to teachers.

his thirst for understanding how the world works is overwhelming at times. he asks question after question and although i try to answer each patiently and appropriately, the other day i turned around said “why do you ask why to everything i say?” i was hoping this would silence him, but no such luck.

anyhow on one of my surfing afternoons i came across this wedding. check it out. the vintage furniture and details are lovely, although a bit heavy for my taste. but i really love that this couple, who obviously adore this specific era, have taken the idea or theme and run with it. and it appears to suite them to a tee.

happy autumn monday.

giving thanks.

October 11, 2011 by mama lola

i hope everyone out there in cyberworld who is reading this blog does not assume, that although i moan about the tough times of our day to day life, that i am not truly grateful for where we are today. because i am. so grateful, so happy.

in hindsight it is always easier to say that the bumps along the way were worth the tears and struggle, and that the stress of job loss or questionable health were hardships worth living. whilst it was undeniably hard to go through them at the time, when i came to reflect, i realized that things could’ve been a lot worse. for instance, my friend was being made redundant even though she had been one of the longest-serving employees at her company. it was heart-breaking. but it wasn’t long until she sought legal advice from a solicitor, and she was able to receive some sort of justice. we were both in horrible situations, but it brought us closer because we were managing them together, and everything that we went through was for a reason. and do you know what, i’m glad it happened. i can say that now, because we survived and are doing stronger than ever. but, if those bumps had not appeared on our road we would not be where we are now, here today. and where we are, i kind of like and am grateful for.

my boys are beautiful and healthy. my dear husband is on an upward career path, which is wonderful to watch. i am slowly starting to make plans for my own life. as a family we are strong and busy and full of love.

this past long weekend we were back up north preparing the family cottage for winter. it was a weekend filled with fairy houses, family, fires, reading and amazing weather. the kids, as usual, wanted to run outside and explore the wonders of the forest. bear’s big thing was throwing things onto the water; things like sticks, bark, rocks. lion tried his darndest to keep up, but the uneven forest floor is tough for his wee feet. but, together they played and threw sticks.

what is this fungi on the tree called? in finland we call it a kääpä. this particular fallen birch had several of these fungi growing on it. all a part of the cycle of the forest, of life.

bear had planned this row boat trip in advance. he had asked bubba several times if he wanted to come and was delighted when it was time to head out on the lake. with a bag of pretzels and good company, off they went. apparently the calm lake brought out a quiet, thoughtful bear.

this was the scene on the afternoon before we left the peace of the cottage. bright sun, warm temperatures and two curious cubs exploring the water and its magic. lion got so curious he walked right into the lake and sat down in the water. there is nothing like the wonder of children and looking at the world through their eyes really is incredible. witnessing my kids in nature makes me want to up root and move northwards, to where there are more trees and more quiet.

thank-you for another beautiful summer lovely, family cottage; until next season…

when it rains, it pours, even on the sunniest of days.

October 7, 2011 by mama lola

this week we existed.
it all started on sunday night when dear hubby uttered the words “we’re launching at work this week…” and anyone who is a computer programmer’s partner knows that this means too much work and not enough hours in the day and deadlines that come and go and then come around again. for dear hubby it was made worse as he had to commute to the city four times this week, instead of the usual two times and clock longer hours at the office each day.

on monday night we had the baby-sitter come, which is a bit unusual, but a friend was performing and we wanted to check it out. dear hubby was arriving at the bus depot at 7pm (and would not see the kids at all that day) and i was supposed to meet him there. i did met him there, but my heart was full of sadness and doubt as both kids had been a mess upon my departure. lion screamed and screamed, while his big brother clung to my left leg begging me to stay through sobs and tears. augh. i peeled his arms off of me, quickly kissed the boys and ran out the door. i was also almost in tears when i climbed into the car. getting a baby-sitter wasn’t supposed to be this hard and make everyone feel so heavy hearted. i was ready to go back home, but we texted the sitter and she told us everyone had calmed down and was ready for sleep. what a relief. dear hubby and i had a wonderful evening listening to great music and chatting with friends.

for the kids the stress of dear hubby’s absence was felt immediately. so, on tuesday we decided to spend a night in the big city with my folks so that the kids could at least see their dad at dinner time and bedtime. but, like any mama knows, when spending a night in a different setting, even if it is the grandparents’ cozy home, things are just that much harder. bedtime got pushed back, diaper rashes flared up and everyone was missing our regular routine.

on our way home, of course bear decided he had to poop just as we got on the highway.

bear has had an especially rough week. he’s been very attached to his daddy since birth and when dad isn’t around enough he takes it to heart. bear’s behaviour becomes more aggressive and hard to be around. he doesn’t seem to sleep as well, which makes for a growly three year old bear. and to top things off his glasses spontaneously snapped and broke, which means because it’s a long weekend he won’t get a new pair until next week. sigh.

lion doesn’t seem to realize his daddy is gone, but when he does see him again his excitement is heartbreaking to watch. he laughs and points with pure joy at his dad. but, he too has felt the stress of this unusual week.

for me, the days have been longer and more draining. it’s exhausting to be the only one doing everything and not really getting a proper break. but, the hardest part about flying solo is the loneliness of missing one’s partner.

and it’s going to be demanding for a couple of more days. tomorrow the kids and i are off to the cottage with patty. unfortunately dear hubby and his folks will be heading east a few hours to a cousin’s wedding on saturday. that means, dear hubby is renting a car and then after the reception will be booting it to the cottage. sounds absurd, i know, but the cottage is at its best at thanksgiving and lion has never even experienced it yet, so we are determined to maintain these important family traditions.

i am eagerly awaiting to curl up with some good reads in front of the cottage fire with all of my guys. i am looking forward to exploring the forests and enjoying the warmth of thanksgiving with family. i am yearning to experience the wonder that is the cottage rather than exist in my routine at home.

but…

still, i am thankful.

happy thanksgiving!

oreo cupcakes.

September 28, 2011 by mama lola

holy moly cupcakes batman! we had a wee belated birthda fam-jam at our house on the weekend. mother nature put on her finest and presented us with brunch weather that could not have been more perfect. we enjoyed dear hubby’s famous crepes and other delicious food. for the cake, bear wanted to make cupcakes so i found these over the top oreo cheesecake ones. bear helped bake while lion napped and they were easy and AMAZING! super sweet and nothing healthy about ’em, especially since we slapped on some icing and decorated them with jelly candies. but, they were a hit!

let me know if you try the recipe!

bursting with pride.

September 26, 2011 by mama lola

sometimes i find myself bursting with pride for my kids. sometimes they say or do things that blow my mind and leave me in awe. sometimes they are thoughtful and sympathetic and sometimes they behave exceptionally in overwhelming situations.

at our house bear and lion are on an upward climb on the developmental ladder. lion is walking so well, and able to climb on and off all sorts of obstacles. he is jabbering a lot and i have heard a few words too, like daddy, äiti and up.he is able to communicate more with incessant pointing and squeaking, which is annoying, yes, but usually gets his needs met. he is also sleeping well in the night and in the morning he climbs out of his own bottom bunk walks down the hall to my room and wakes me so i can pick him up for a morning nurse and cuddle session. it is sweet and lovely.

bear drew a picture of bubba and blake for their birthday picture.
he also coloured the yellow hearts. our little picasso.

bear’s vocabulary is booming. today he asked what “adiculous” (ridiculous) meant. he often places an “A” sound at the beginning of words. he is also able to verbalize consequences to actions in a way that i turn around and ask “who told you that?” and he often says “me, i did”. little smarty pants! his memory in frighteningly sharp and he can easily tell me what he wore to so and so’s birthday party or if i promised some specific food for after ballet, days earlier. he remembers who gifted him what and when.

my kids aren’t geniuses or ahead of the norms, but as their mama i am currently bursting with pride as i watch them grow out of babyhood into toddlerhood and from toddlerhood into kidhood.

i am understanding the bitter-sweetness of motherhood as my little guys grow. our youngest is not a baby any more, so ideas and thoughts about a third have been dancing in my head a lot lately and this is the conclusion i have come to. at this time i am 32, half done my women’s studies degree and so i have decided to be selfish and take the next few years and focus on finishing my degree. i want to complete it so desperately and was on a roll two years ago, but then i shockingly got pregnant and then even more shockingly discovered my tumour, so my degree got put on hold. now i am healthy and my kids are bigger and i want to at least get the school ball rolling again in january. fingers crossed!

my hope is that my kids one day look back on their childhood and feel that tingly sensation for me. i want them to recognize the sacrifices i made for them and the success that ultimately evolved from them for them and for me. i want them to burst with pride.