four, FOUR: almost there!

February 6, 2012 by mama lola

bear has been asking “is it my birthday” almost daily since christmas. if you ask when his birthday is he will answer “febwruary four (pause) teeth”, but, clearly, knowing the date has not helped him countdown to his day of celebration.

i’ve been scouring pinterest for fun and simple party ideas. sometimes i tend to take too much on and for this birthday, i want to keep things easy and light. i’ve started cutting some scrap paper into funky streamers. i am also hoping to make a custom birthday boy shirt for my bear to wear to his party and on his actual birthday when he goes to preschool.

[both shirt examples found on pinterest]

we sent some funky homemade invitations out to a few friends simo specifically wanted to invite. we decided that it’s up to him to decide who he wants here for his party.

i am getting pretty nostalgic thinking about my belly four years ago, being super pregnant and entering this mysterious thing called motherhood…. i will write more about that later this week.

welcome to my pity party.

February 5, 2012 by mama lola

it’s been a terrible year for health for the kids, but me in particular. the kids were sick the past two weeks with colds that are still clinging on with pesky coughs at night. i got strep (again!) about two weeks ago and did a round of antibiotics and then a few days after they were done got hit by the strep pain once more. this time my doctor is wondering if something else is going on so i had some blood work done on friday. let’s just say she mentioned mono…augh!

[the sickness allowed us to order in some food, like this yummy sushi!]

i had a bit of a pity party for myself on friday. feeling sorry for myself for having received a strep diagnosis for the fourth time since november; worrying that i would have to miss bear’s 4th birthday party next sunday; and just feeling pathetic that at 33 years of age it seems i am always sick, when i so feel like i deserve a break. ya know? it doesn’t help that dear hubby is never sick, even though he is a poster boy for computer geek unhealthiness!

my new year’s resolution is “clear eyes, strong hearts, can’t lose” (from friday night lights), but it feels like that’s not a goal worth working towards. even with the best of intentions things are looking bleak. i started journaling what i eat and was going to send it for analysis to a friendly expert in women’s health. now, even that kinda seems pointless…. it seems as though i am doomed to forever be unwell.

[finnish camping mugs]

but really, can i actually live my life thinking that, can i? i’m typically looking for the positive in things, even in the darkest of days, so why am i feeling so defeated now? i think it’s partly, because i feel like i deserve a break in life. and i guess this string of strep is a sign that life does not work that way. and being sick a lot tends to beat down on one’s optimism after a while. i will finish up journaling for my friendly expert and send the embarrassing details off in hopes she can guide me. i will also continue going to the Y when feeling healthy enough.

i will try my darnedest not feel sorry for myself, but will hold my chin up and keep moving.
CLEAR EYES,
FULL HEARTS,
CAN’T LOSE!

blarghy, sick.

February 1, 2012 by mama lola

the boys have been sick with stubborn colds.

first lion was hit, then bear. the snot has flowed freely down from each of their sweet little noses and into their mouths for about a week now. bear also has a persistent cough; you know the dry kind that tickles and tickles in the back of your throat that no amount of coughing can get rid of. i am a broken record repeating “cough into your elbow”, but really, they are both just aiming for me.

having two sick people isolates us from the rest of the world. we really haven’t done anything fun or exciting since the weekend, and even then i wanted to cancel on our plans with friends.

but we’ve been trying to keep busy at home. the boys adore the doorway swing/ gym set they received for christmas, especially bear. check out his fancy moves!

he loves to do tricks on it; hang upside down, climb up in various ways, and swing higher and higher while pumping furiously with his legs. i am so glad we joulupukki/ santa got it for the boys. i was cruising pinterest, when i found this swing. what a beauty! not quite as good for the acrobatics, but certainly lovely to look at and i’m certain it’s comfy on the tush too.

[source: here]

what a beauty, eh?

hope you and yours are healthy.
swing on, baby!

where do i go from here?

January 28, 2012 by mama lola

sometimes it feels as though everyone around me is moving forwards in life. their momentum appears to be positive and energetic and full of optimism, while i’m stuck in the doom and gloom of the grey winter blahs. i don’t want to sound ungrateful or whiny, because neither is my intention. but, i suppose i feel bored. not as in i have nothing to do, because i have plenty to do, but i guess in a more, i am understimulated kind of bored.

[source: here]

as my children grow and gain more independence, i find myself wondering more about what my future holds. as i peek into the crystal ball i see plenty of familial time. but, i also see myself as a more refreshed image of who i am today. refreshed by what i am doing, how i am doing things and where i am doing it. i had a massage before the holidays, and the masseuse said to me (quite rudely and unprofessionally) that i looked depleted. i immediately felt defensive and embarrassed of my depleted self. but, once i got over the shock of what she said (several days later, mind you) it dawned on me that she was onto something.

although, it doesn’t matter what she thinks of me or what anyone thinks of me actually (well…), i did have to admit that she was onto something. my body has been through some significant stresses over the last few years and as a consequence my body has become a weak, soft, vessel that gets sick and exhausted easily.

my point in this friday ramble, is that so many things in life are not important. as i sit in the haze that has become my life, i am willing to move forwards and move towards a more focused and clearer future. one that is stimulating, challenging and exciting in all the right ways! although the winter blah’s are sitting tightly on my shoulders, i do see a twinkle in the horizon of light and life, and i am keen to move towards it.

better than 3.

January 26, 2012 by mama lola

those of you who have been reading this blog regularly, know that i have had a difficult year with my three year old, bear. it feels as though we have been fighting about everything, living in tension and struggling through the simplest of daily tasks.

just before christmas a shift occurred and things changed at our house. a wave of joy and calm rode in, which i initially thought was santa related, but the joy has stayed (with the exception of the christmas rage). the delightful 2 year old bear i knew and loved a while back has returned and is here to stay. today he is an articulate, funny, artistic and curious almost 4 year old, however. we have bid farewell to the three year old boy who brought with him such fight.

looking back, while we were in the throws of three, i never thought it would end. the endless friction was exhausting and ate away at my self. i felt like a failure, constantly overwhelmed by tremendous feelings of guilt and inadequacy.

although i suspect i will never be a truly confident mother, i hope i will take strength away from this last year. i have no idea what the future ages and stages of development will bring, but i think we will survive.

our lion will one day be three, but i don’t think it’ll be quite as difficult with him. i don’t want to sound cocky, but i have few more notches in the ol’ mothering belt and experience has taught me greatly. plus, the logistics of our family will be quite different.

when lion is three, bear will be a fulltime student in school and lion himself will be in preschool, meaning i will have time FOR MYSELF! dare i even say this?!? i will have time to properly re-charge my batteries, so that when those power struggles present themselves i will be calmer, better rested and also hopefully more rational as a result.

meow, kitties.
happy midweek everyone!

oh, fire!

January 23, 2012 by mama lola

ozfire turned two this weekend. he’s the youngest son of friends and we had wonderful time at his birthday party this morning. i brought my camera, but completely forgot to take any pictures of the beautiful people there.

as i was remembering back to his birth it made me think about my life and wonder where we were two years ago in january of 2010…

i was about three months pregnant.
i had just found out about my tumour and on the morning of ozfire’s birth, i had my second appointment with my neurologist.
i was on tylenol 3’s for the headaches and feeling so guilty while thinking about my unborn babe, my wee lion.
i was being referred to a high risk OB at the big hospital out of town, but i was able to keep my midwives on for support… LUCKILY!!!
we were living in another city, anxiously saving money for a down payment for a house in the city we currently live in.
bear was almost two, still in diapers, learning to talk, napping in the afternoons and clueless about the baby who was coming to rock our world.
dear hubby was working at a fairly new job and things we’re going well.
unbeknownst to us, it was the beginning of the most stressful year of our lives.

all of the above pictures of bear were taken in january 2010.

today, in january 2012, two years since all of that, i am truly coming to terms with all of that. dear hubby and i have come to the realization that we were in a fair bit of denial with the tumour situation and the specifics of the scary birth which brought us our wee lion. although we felt the seriousness of each situation, only now are the finer details settling into our consciousness. i am reminding myself that my focus should not be on the details of the past, but instead on the details of the future.

happy birthday sweet ozfire! we love you so, so much and are looking forward to more shared adventures with you. choo-choo fire!

xoxo

tomboy.

January 20, 2012 by mama lola

last night dear hubby and i had a midweek date night instead of having the usual friday night date. my MIL law stayed with the boys, while dear hubby and i went out for delicious indian food and an impromptu movie. we saw this:

“tomboy” is a french movie, set in an unknown town in france and revolves around a family and the summer adventures the kids get into. it is a movie that explores the assumptions we as adults, as parents, make about our children’s gender based on their sex; about the importance we place on being female/male, girl/boy and how those ideas trickle down to the younger generation. but, as heavy and complex as the subject matter of gender identity is, this movie was light and subtle in its presentation and exploration of the issue. it was honest and beautiful, but not in a typical tear jerky way, but rather a raw depiction of how it might feel or look like for a kid to question themselves and their gender.

i loved it. i was surprised at the direction it took and would recommend everyone to go out and see it. for local peeps, it’s playing downtown at the bookshelf. get some popcorn and coffee, sit back and enjoy.

and speaking of gender…

as a mama to two male children i try very hard not to impose too many male stereotypes on them. what does it matter if they wear rubber boots with flowers, what does it matter if they wear pink undies or tights, what does it matter if we paint our nails together or put barrettes in each others hair, why does anyone care if my kids have bed sheets with pink hearts on them or bows on their clothes?

bear, june 2010.

bear, march 2010.

are these external choices of mine going to define their identity, absolutely not. am i making my kids gay? absolutely not. but i know what people think when they see us stomping down the street. for now, bear and lion are oblivious, but one day they will feel people’s judgmental eyes on them. once, a kid randomly asked bear if he was girl or a boy, because of his flowery boots. i was shocked, but bear was cool and said he was a boy. it is astonishing that the colour of one’s boots is what we use to classify people.

lion in pink, july 2011.

i could rant on about this topic, as it really gets my blood boiling. i will stop. but, just listen to yourself and see how many times a day you say gender loaded things like “good boy/ girl”, “beautiful, lovely, sweet girl”, “handsome, tough, smart boy”. we are so programmed to describe our kids with very specific words. i know i am always catching myself too.

axl rose, of Gn’R.

happy thusday to everyone, no matter how you identify, cuz i don’t give a rat’s ass!

i hate my pine cabinets.

January 16, 2012 by mama lola

i am so torn and indecisive about whether or not to reno our kitchen. as i have complained before, our current cabinets are the ugly pine type with layers of grime and stains that won’t come off no matter what cleaner i try. and because the pine is so soft the doors are full of dents as well. we have painted the kitchen walls a bright white which has helped freshen the room, but my dream is to rip out the pine cabinets and throw up some clean, white cabinets from IKEA.

this akarum cabinet by IKEA, only $112.

but, we’re not sure how long we’re actually going to live here (probably up to 2yrs) and when i perused MLS last night I discovered that all of the kitchens in houses i would consider living in were awful and not to my taste. this means, we’ll probably have to redo a kitchen in our next home.

the reason i am struggling with making this decision is because our kitchen is quite small, so we wouldn’t realistically have to replace more than 7 cabinets in total, which financially is not a huge chunk of change. and i think we could get the job done (by hired contractors) in a weekend, meaning the reno wouldn’t even be that intrusive for us.
so is it worth it?
i need some wise words from people who have been in this situation. i don’t want to live here another year and then regret not doing it, ya know?

*****
although this winter has been shockingly snowless, we have found skating a perfect winter activity to get bear involved in. on saturday we went downtown again to skate at city hall. this time i laced up my new blades and even though i was terrified i would fall flat on my butt, i didn’t! it’s been about 7 years since my last skating adventure and on that winter’s night we were with friends who had just discovered they were preggo!

anyhow, skating is like riding a bike, you never really forget how to do it. bear was pretty impressed and when we hit the ice together he did great as he stomped on his own with no supports. we taught him how to get up, which improved his confidence, but the little guy got tired quickly and melted on the ice in tears. on our way home he fell asleep in the chariot!

once dear hubby is done with getting the kids to sleep we will watch tracey ullman’s “state of the union” on netflix and drink grapefruit vodka and tonic.

cheers to a new week!

i am sailing.

January 14, 2012 by mama lola

i grew up sailing each summer among the island-dotted seas of the gulf of finland. my folks had a small sailboat, which we sailed, creating a lifetime of memories of those summers in finland. i remember the day that they bought it and i couldn’t believe it! it was such a lovely boat! i think they got it from somewhere like GraysOnline and i went with them to pick it up. as soon as i saw the boat, i knew we were going to have lots of happy memories in it.

holding the boat and getting ready to settle at another island.

my dad, who is not a rod stewart fan, did love this song and still sings it. when i hear it get all nostalgic and goose bumpy. gotta love rods sailor outfit!

i am looking for new blogs follow. and i found this one http://www.zachaboard.blogspot.com/ and this one http://www.svwondertime.com/. i haven’t had a chance to read them too closely, but they look fascinating as they are both about families living on sailboats.

dear hubby has been trying to convince me to hop on a boat and sail around the world. he was inspired by a family from ottawa who did just that. they bought a boat, rented out their home, packed up and sailed around the globe on a 4 year adventure. the book is called “voyage of the northern magic” by diane stuemer. dear hubby grew up sailing as well and as a teen attended sailing camps on the brigantine ship. so it isn’t totally out of the blue that this is what he wants us to experience as family.

bikini dots.

we’ll see though. i am scared of pirates and although the idea of living on a boat is exciting and romantic, the realities of it are also overwhelming.

hear lion roaring.

January 10, 2012 by mama lola

lion has arrived. ROAR!
2012 is going to be his year to shine, roar and get noticed. being second born is tough work, with big shoes to fill and high expectations to meet, but i can already see that glint of attention seeking talent in his eyes. i can’t wait to watch him!
he’s bursting with growth right now. he is finally out of 9 month clothes and pretty much in 12-18 month stuff exclusively, which is a big deal as he is 18 months old. he’s always been teeny, but this past week he’s put the rest of us in our places by eating more than anyone and sleeping two naps a day: GROWTH SPURT anyone?!

lion has always been determined to be like his big brother, but since the holidays he’s actually been requested to participate in games and even given responsibilities. it breaks my heart that my littlest guy is growing up so quickly. to be honest, i actually think i’m in a bit of denial about it. for some reason in my mind he is a baby, who is only one or so and not capable of much, but in reality he will be a toddling two year old this july, who is so capable of doing so much. his comprehension shocks me daily, as he responds to my words or recognizes and initiates daily habits we motion through during the day. things like getting his boots from the shoe rack or getting his toque and putting it on. or pointing enthusiastically to his toothbrush when we’re all huddled in the bathroom. or helping set the table for dinner and then running to his chair when dinner is about to be served.

we went to the park the other day. lion swung, had a snack and then fell asleep in my arms. when it was time to go home he wasn’t ready to wake-up so i lay him on our stuff in the wagon. he slept the entire way home, even though the wagon was bumping around on the sidewalk! so sweet! later that afternoon he had a second nap in his cozy bed.

when bear was this age, i was already pregnant with lion. that realiz
ation blows me away, as back then i saw bear as a big kid not a baby like i see lion. i suppose i am not the only one who has done this. it’s hard not to compare your kids, especially when they are close in age and the same sex.