mother’s guilt; it’s a heavy burden.

July 23, 2011 by mama lola

i am in a parenting rut, yet again. bear is a growly beast these days and it makes our day to day life quite challenging. i know it’s age related, but i think there’s more to it and that darn mother’s guilt is weighing heavily yet again upon my shoulders. when dear hubby lost his job back in march it really turned our world upside down, again. we had just found a groove and had planned summer adventures, when everything came crashing down, again. thankfully dear hubby has computer programming to fall back on and friends who hired him immediately to do various contract jobs.

even though financially we have felt quite secure, ya know, had money to pay for the mortage, groceries, we have still felt very stressed since the career change in spring. the stress has come from the demanding hours and the fact that dear hubby commutes to the big city twice a week. on those days i’m alone with the kids for 13 hours.

now, i am realizing bear is heavily influenced by this new schedule, as he can’t have breakfast or dinner with daddy every day any more. he feels the void of not having daddy around as much and has no idea how to express or deal with these emotions. instead, he has regressed from the toilet back onto the potty, screams directly into people’s faces, is known for bolting in parking lots, is physically mean to lion and myself, and just doesn’t listen. i realize this is all typical three year old behaviour, but i think for him it is exaggerated due to the stress he feels at home. his sleep habits have changed too. he was napping quite regularly for a while and is asking to be sung to every night, again.

you see, on dear hubby’s commute days i am often low with patience, exhausted and feeling lonely. i try my best to maintain a level or calm and peace, but sometimes i get pushed over the edge. and sometimes, i don’t necessarily take it out on the kids, but instead on dear hubby, which just adds to the mess of stress.
sigh.

on a brighter note, lion started walking yesterday after iltapala (bed time snack). it was a feat we have been waiting for him to conquer, as he has been cruising for months and months. finally he took the plunge, so proud!

and tomorrow is hillside. bear drew a picture of what some of it may look like: him and lion sitting in the chariot stroller as daddy pushes. he did later add me in the chariot with just one eye! pure genius, but don’t tell him i said that!

everyone dies.

July 22, 2011 by mama lola

The fear of death follows from the fear of life.

A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time. ~Mark Twain

bear: äiti, charlotte died. where did she go?

me: death is a part of life. charlotte is gone. like roo died and is not here any more [cue lump in my throat].
bear: will horatio* die?
me: yeah, he will. everything living dies. people, cats, dogs, flowers, trees.
bear: when will everyone die?
me: i don’t know. it’s different for everyone.
bear: trees die? when they fall down?
me: yup.
bear: we have to be inside so they don’t fall on us.
*horatio is a bulldog belonging to someone else in the family.

this was the discussion that bear and i had after he finished watching “charlotte’s web”. such a classic, such a tear jerker. bear yelled at one point “charlotte died äiti” so i came running in and watched the last minutes of the movie with tears streaming down my face. our conversation made me feel inadequate to answer questions about these important life events. finding the age appropriate language and context is hard.

roo is deeply missed [cue lump in throat].

what would you have said?

river side picnic and lobster tag.

June 28, 2011 by mama lola

dear hubby and i hit the road on our bikes, with the kids in the chariot and headed to the river. it’s only about a 5 minute bike ride away. i had packed a picnic lunch and we biked until we found the perfect spot for eating and then some exploring.

lion was tired and had a lovely park nap, while bear horsed around expending serious amounts of energy!

here’s a game of lobster tag at its best. bear is the lobster and is chasing dear hubby all over the playground. it’s a fun game and after lion woke up from his nap, the lobster came after him as well!

i love the chariot and think it’s the best BIG money we have spent in a while. it’s so light and easy and the kids are great in it. our town has increased the number of bike lanes, which makes me feel a bit safer cruising around.

HAPPY TRAILS!

to nap or not to nap, that is the question.

June 18, 2011 by mama lola

the warm summer breezes have brought with them new changes to our trusted routine. bear is bursting at the seams with growth and it really shows. every day i look at him in awe as he looks bigger, says things that blow me away and, get this, needs an afternoon nap. if he doesn’t get an afternoon nap in, he turns into a growly beast who screams and stomps and carries on.

bear dropped his last nap a year ago when we moved into our house. i was a huge pregnant mama desperate for my own afternoon siesta, so instead of napping, we introduced the colourful world of DVD’s to bear.

now, i have no idea where things stand with his sleep schedule. his cycle seems to be shifting quite significantly and throw in this huge growth spurt and i guess we’re napping for now.

is this week done yet?

June 8, 2011 by mama lola

it’s only tuesday and i am so ready for it to be friday. or at least thursday, as that’s when we’re heading up to muskoka to the family cottage with some very special friends from germany who we have not seen about two years.

this week has been tough going and it has only just begun! yesterday, bear hit lion’s nose with a broom handle right before dinner, creating a scene of blood and tears and screams. it was a disaster! lion is fine and the bleeding stopped pretty quickly once he calmed down. we called the on-call doctor service just in case there was something we should be watching out for, but they said as long the bleeding didn’t start again he should be fine. bear was quite shaken up by the situation as there was a shocking amount of blood. it streamed down lion’s face onto his clothes, which to a three-year-old (and a thirty-two-year-old) looked quite scary. bear and i had a good talk alone in his room about hitting people and taking responsibility for your actions. I reminded him he would have to apologize to his baby brother before sitting down to dinner. this, of course, received a tearful reception, but eventually, bear apologized. as he was collecting his courage he said “this is hard”, which i thought was bang on. saying sorry is hard, but he did it and the rest of the evening rolled along at home and i hit the gym for my pilates class.

on my way to my class i saw the aftermath of a terrible multi-vehicle car crash on the highway. there were at least six fire trucks, debris everywhere and shocking remnants of what looked like cars scattered in the intersection and ditches. my heart stopped as i looked at the sleury of young people standing around crying, others running, all in kind of a panic. i’m pretty sure the cars involved had lots of young people in them getting ready for a summer of fun. i can’t imagine everyone survived. It looked like the kind of accident that results in serious injury, and that rarely ends without a death. hopefully those affected can at least get the legal help they need for the costs to come after all that pain and destruction, maybe from a firm like Diamond & Diamond or a similar one. At the very least they were going to be facing complex and stressful car insurance claims and their cars were definitely written off so they’d be relying on getting a full payout for the value of their vehicle. I hope for this reason they were registered with decent car insurance providers. I learned the importance of this the hard way in my younger years, and now I always recommend to people to spend extra on their car insurance so they have a provider that will deliver when they most need it. One way to afford better quality insurance is to have a policy like those from Qantas that allow you to collect points that you can spend on a variety of things. Regardless, it breaks my heart watching the aftermath, and it wasn’t something I wanted my boys to get fixated on. no one asks to go through a situation like this, but sadly, these things happen. during times like these, you may feel like you’re on your own and are not sure how you will deal with all this. but with the assistance of someone like a las vegas car accident lawyer for example, or a Texas car accident lawyer (location varies depending on where you live), getting legal advice may be what you need to move forward in the right way. you don’t have to feel like you have to go through this alone, especially as there are people out there willing to give you a helping hand.

it was the second car crash i had seen in a week. the first was when the boys and i heard a crash and then walked right into it on our way home from the park just down the street from our house. again, pretty serious as one of the passengers was not able to move or get out of the car or something. we watched the fire trucks for a bit, but then left as it was too upsetting. then this evening as we were waiting for dear hubby to arrive home from work, we heard a bang and there had been another crash at the same intersection down the street from us!

maybe it’s being a mama, maybe it’s getting older, maybe it’s after the personal health crisis i had this past year, but i just can’t drive by a crash and not feel deep pain in my heart. crashes are not accidents, as they can 99% of the time be prevented if drivers slowed down, checked their blind spots, signalled and put their bleeping phones away.

slow down, please. here’s two beautiful reasons to abide by the rules.

on monday morning we did have a great time with some friends at the park. babes napped while the big kids did their thing. mamas got to talk and laugh, which is always a great release and a perfect way to start the week.

some of my MAMA friends and their sweet kiddos. in the bottom left pic is MAMA jw who is due in a few days with her second, look at her pushing the three year olds in the swing!

i should slow down too, and not wait for time to pass faster, because truth be told, my life is flying by right now. my little lion is almost one and i am starting to feel the anniversary of his birth churning in my mind and soul, but i will share those aches in another post. i have to learn to enjoy the smallest moments and not always wait for the big, fun events to come by.

hope your week is going ok.

ode to the hammock.

June 6, 2011 by mama lola

there is a sad day looming in the horizon for our family. a very sad day indeed. soon we will be taking lion’s wonderful hammock down from its strong, trusted hook in the heart of our home. this simple beauty has been hanging in our living room since lion’s birth in early july 2010 and now that he is almost one he is just getting too big for it.

tiny lion only weeks old here is almost swallowed by the hammock.

while still pregnant, i was concerned about bringing a tiny, vulnerable newborn home and not having anywhere for him to sleep that was safe and out of reach of his older brother and the dog. we didn’t own a crib or a pack ‘n play and had no intention of getting either of those items, so when this hammock was recommended to us by dear, dear friends it made complete sense to get it. it fit well with our small home and our parenting style. My friend also enjoys having an adult sized hammock in their their living room they got from somewhere similar to JUST Hammocks maybe that is something I might look into at some point judging from how comfy my little one looks in their hammock.

lion at about a month old.

when lion is placed into the hammock he is always fast asleep. he snuggles into the soft organic cotton, while life continues around him, whether it is playing of games, DVD’s watched in the living room or dinner prep in the kitchen. we wanted to teach our kids how to sleep while activity was milling around them and it has worked.

a cozy nap spot, while bear watches DVD’s on the laptop.

it is a soft, comfortable, cozy place where lion can close his eyes and sleep away any worries. he has clocked hundreds of hours in the cozy hammock. i have always felt that he was completely safe in it, but i know many look at it with scepticism and concern, and because it is high up off the floor some assume baby can fall out. but, there are three separate clips to strap baby in that hold a squirmy lion when he wakes up crying.

i want to leave you with this amazing picture of another mama’s baby in her hammock.

sweet dreams…

le park.

May 27, 2011 by mama lola

the weather has been so dreary and soggy this spring. we have had a minimal number of bright, sun filled days with warmth. bear talks about the rain as though it is normal for it to be this wet; i guess he doesn’t remember springs past!

love these rain barrels all decorated. looks like a fun DIY with the kids!

i hope these pictures warm your toes! as i type i am sitting under a duvet, wearing a cardigan and a scarf. i am ready for things to change.

me first, yeah right!

May 26, 2011 by mama lola

my self-care is the pits. i joined the Y in the new year not as a resolution, but as a way to get my self-care started. some weeks i go more than others and then when dear hubby got laid off i felt guilty for wanting to hold onto my membership. the thing with the Y is this: it’s good for me on so many levels; it’s fantastic for my mental health, my physical health and my intellect. getting all that blood pumping and really surging into all the nooks and crannies of my body makes a world of difference. plus, it’s that always important alone time. i crank the radio and sing all the way there and all the way home, pretending i know the words to all the latest pop songs.

i have had two big ol’ surgeries this past year, four months apart. both times i was put under a general anaesthetic, which was quite stressful for my body. then, i was knocked on my butt to recover for a few weeks each time, while also caring for a baby and a toddler. it’s been tough to fit any real self-care into my life. but, after having the tumour removed from my head last november it really put things into perspective for me. i faced my mortality at the age of 31 and realized i wasn’t ready to die as i had not finished living yet. and a part of living meant putting my needs back on the priority list. so, i’ve slowly gotten myself out of the house and back into the world. luckily, i have a very supportive partner who understands this need and tries to be as accommodating as possible.

these guys are a lot of work. for me.

all that being said, sometimes it’s hard to find the motivation or the energy in the evenings to go out and exercise. and sometimes it’s not even an option. dear hubby has been doing contract computer programming work since being laid off in march, which means he is sometimes hunched over his laptop ’till the wee hours of the morning working (literally).

the logistics of consistent self-care are difficult, practically impossible, in fact. i can’t put off dinner clean-up or vacuuming, because if i don’t do it when it needs to get done then when am i going to do it? i sure as hell am not going to leave my dinner dishes in the sink and food on the stove for the next morning. the recommendation that chores can wait, was advised by someone who is not responsible for running a household. sure laundry can wait, but only some laundry and only sometimes. if i don’t keep on it, it piles up fast and furious, creating more work for another day. and i’m not down with that!
but at least i have made myself somewhat of a priority again. i try, when i have to the opportunity, to do things that make me happy, healthy or are fun. often these activities are kidless, but as much as i love ’em i do need a break from mothering, regularly. as a stay at home mom, it’s hard to separate work from play, as playing with the kids often ends up being work, because they are still so little. i imagine that will change as they get older and gain more independence. right now, today, the key for myself is to strive for balance and not let one part of my life dominate the rest.

BALANCE.

May 20, 2011 by mama lola

Do not speak unless it improves on silence. ~ Proverb

i can be heard yimmering on at the kids and dear hubby. i think i use too many words with them, as often what i am trying to convey gets lost in all the words. i read a parenting book a while ago, on the recommendation of a dear friend, the way of boys by anthony rao. a worthwhile read for anyone, but especially if you have a little guy around 3 years of age. in the book the author really makes a point about communicating well with your kids. short and concise is best. since reading the book, my talking has changed with bear specifically. i try and stick to the point without too many words, especially when i want him to do something like wash his hands before dinner, or tidy up his toys.

bear yawns as an answer to a question and then completely ignores me.

mr. mischievous always going after my computer.

he knows he’s not supposed to touch my laptop, but he doesn’t care.

i am chatty. i like to talk, but i also like to listen. i enjoy a good conversation greatly, but have recently come to terms with the realization that bear is not chatty like me. he is more introverted, more quiet and subtle with his communicating, just like his dad. i have resigned asking about pre-school on the drive home as these one sided conversations only end up frustrating me. so, instead of sharing our morning experiences, we sit silently listening to the radio, each of us in our own worlds.

maybe with age this will change. maybe not.

lion, i think, will be my conversation partner.

Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled. ~ Horace

there are times when i am so exhausted and feel so beat down by the world, that not only do i say too many words, but i let the regrettable ones slip out too. those are the darkest and most shameful occasions of my parenting. i recognize that i am the adult, the parent, and should therefore, be setting the example of how to treat others with respect and care. there are no excuses and there is no justification, and all i can do is pick myself up from these low places and remind myself that next time i will try to handle things better. because, there will be a next time. you see, the life i lead is based on cycles and rhythms and with two little people in my life i am bound to be tested and pushed for many more years to come.

i cannot take back what i have said, but i can teach my children how to acknowledge and take responsibility for something hurtful they have said to someone. that is a tough lesson to learn and definitely a skill most adults should work on. it’s embarrassing to hold yourself accountable, but it’s mortifying to do it in front of your child. but i do it, because i have to take ownership of my mistakes and ask for forgiveness. right? how will i become a better mother, better person, if i can’t call myself on my own s#!t.

don’t stand on the rocking chair!

it will be difficult to push the cart if you are standing on it.

i feel nervous about sharing this info with the world. but, i think parenting is full of dirty secrets that we are encouraged to hide in shame. this is my attempt to open up the dialogue and shatter the façades that parents don’t say terrible things to their kids.

we all do it, but we just don’t talk about it.

https://bearandlionmama.com/2011/05/525.html

may, it’s a funny time of the year.

May 17, 2011 by mama lola

May is a time of year when my feelings and emotions go a bit wild. I feel nostalgic, because that’s when I went tree planting and fell in love. I feel antsy and want to get outside and get my fingers dirty with dirt, but alas, it’s still a bit too early to plant seedlings. I feel excited to wear dresses and skirts, but am terrified of blinding the world with my phenomenally white legs. I feel happy about the warmer temperatures, but am terrified of the heat and humidity the summer heat waves have in store. Many people visit somewhere like Barnett Electrical: AC installation in Oklahoma City at this time of year in aticipation of the summer heat. Having air conditioning installed is a bit too organised for me though – I’m all over the place.

May is also a time of renewal and growth and I have discovered my love for gardening in recent years. I love to watch as the trees change from their winter’s sleep to a summer’s glorious green. I get excited waiting for the first bulbs to blossom and as the weather gets warmer everything blooms like a wave. Each waiting before taking its turn.

I think the clover took in the back yard! Yippiiiii! There are definitely some positive signs of three leafed growth and this makes me tremendously happy. Especially considering the white clover has a 40% failure rate. Keep ’em fingers crossed though, we’re not quite out of the woods yet!

I need these dudes in my life.

In May, the sun hangs out longer in the evenings, sitting all pretty-like in the horizon shining directly into bear’s room *. He doesn’t seem too bothered by the sun. He’s got rolly blinds and penguin curtains from my childhood, but something has changed his sleep habits this May. We keep finding him curled up on the glider in his room. Usually he’s got company too; a soft toy or two or five and blanket or two. Once he was under the seat cushion (which is actually meant for an IKEA sunchair!). So bizarre!
(* not that we’ve really had any sunny evenings.)

Imagine the cushion folded over him, that’s how I found him, snoring away!

That’s Lulu Rose, Bear’s bulldog under his butt!

Speaking of sleep… our beautiful hammock is nearing its end as a place of sleep for Lion. He’s getting too big and strong. It’s been a worthwhile investment and I cannot imagine ever parting with it. Lion sleeps there for a nap a day or so. He has also successfully been night weaned and I forgot to mention anything, because it was so uneventful.