falling for fall.

October 2, 2011 by mama lola

october has arrived in full force. the temperature has dropped dramatically and the crisp air outside is blowing fallen leaves briskly. the sun is fighting to show off its glory and every so often as the clouds race along, the warm rays shine down making for a beautiful fall day.

my kids and dear hubby were all eager to get out there and get to work. bear is the kind of kid who is not afraid of the elements or cooler temperatures, he in fact thrives in the fall/ winter months. he’s kind of like me and wilts in the heat and humidity of the summer. the poor kid has been asking for winter since june! Thus lion, whose goal in life is to be like bear, also wants to go outside and play. although he complains as we get all the layers on, he seems happy enough to be wherever bear is.

this time of year is a reminder of the frightening storm that began two years ago. it was october when i became unexpectedly pregnant with lion and the migraines came on strong soon after. that fall i was taking a few uni courses for my women’s studies degree and i remember struggling with the readings as my head would just be pounding. i was exhausted, so exhausted that i would drag myself around town taking bear, then about 18 months to the park or play dates, grocery shopping or wherever.

i’m off for my annual MRI tonight. gotta get it done to make sure my wee pituitary gland is tumour free. i am scared and nervous and a wreck. my friend, mamaM is a tech at the hospital and she will be doing my imaging tonight. she’s also the one who did the MRI when my tumour was first discovered. it’s nice to know a familiar and kind voice will be checking in with me as i endure the claustrophobic loud banging in that uncomfortable tube. i wont get the results until december.

fingers crossed everyone.
i am scared.

from zero to rage.

September 28, 2011 by mama lola

I don’t know what to do with myself sometimes. Lately both boys have been waking up before the crack of dawn, before the sun has woken up, before it’s natural. Slowly we tromp down the stairs and munch on our cereal. The kids are fine, but I’m like a zombie barely able to keep my eyes open, blinking away the fuzzies of the night, anxiously waiting for my coffee to brew. I have thought about taking some energy supplements that can give my body that little boost to push away the fatigue, there is a total restore deal that I’ve been told about and can look at, I just don’t know yet. I’ll wait and see if my coffee needs it’s own pick me up first.

Today was a tough day for us. We were up at dawn and by the afternoon I had a pair of whiny kids on my hands. I tried to keep my cool by caffeinating myself through-out the day, maintaining my own blood sugars at a reasonable level by snacking on fruit or nuts and by ensuring the kids needs are met before the inevitable sh*t hits the fan.

By the time dear hubby got home this evening the boys and I were all feeling the weight of our tiredness. bear didn’t want to eat the cod chowder I made (which was amazing btw) and lion’s bum had exploded in a rash just before dinner (again). I barely spoke as I could feel my exhaustion turning to rage under my skin. I can still feel it as I type this, and the guys are all upstairs having a bath.

lion ate some blue chalk. then he barfed.

then he nursed.

It’s the nonsense that is brought nightly to the dinner table, the kicking of my chair saying the food is “yucky”. It’s the daily fights that start in the morning with getting dressed, of getting teeth brushed and getting out the door on time. There’s the BS with car seats, with grabbing toys from lion’s tiny hand, with spitting and screaming in lion’s face… I could go on. you get the point.

Today I feel like I have had enough. I feel like I could walk through that door and not look back.
please don’t judge me, until you have walked a mile in my shoes or lived a day in my world.

Peace.

bursting with pride.

September 26, 2011 by mama lola

sometimes i find myself bursting with pride for my kids. sometimes they say or do things that blow my mind and leave me in awe. sometimes they are thoughtful and sympathetic and sometimes they behave exceptionally in overwhelming situations.

at our house bear and lion are on an upward climb on the developmental ladder. lion is walking so well, and able to climb on and off all sorts of obstacles. he is jabbering a lot and i have heard a few words too, like daddy, äiti and up.he is able to communicate more with incessant pointing and squeaking, which is annoying, yes, but usually gets his needs met. he is also sleeping well in the night and in the morning he climbs out of his own bottom bunk walks down the hall to my room and wakes me so i can pick him up for a morning nurse and cuddle session. it is sweet and lovely.

bear drew a picture of bubba and blake for their birthday picture.
he also coloured the yellow hearts. our little picasso.

bear’s vocabulary is booming. today he asked what “adiculous” (ridiculous) meant. he often places an “A” sound at the beginning of words. he is also able to verbalize consequences to actions in a way that i turn around and ask “who told you that?” and he often says “me, i did”. little smarty pants! his memory in frighteningly sharp and he can easily tell me what he wore to so and so’s birthday party or if i promised some specific food for after ballet, days earlier. he remembers who gifted him what and when.

my kids aren’t geniuses or ahead of the norms, but as their mama i am currently bursting with pride as i watch them grow out of babyhood into toddlerhood and from toddlerhood into kidhood.

i am understanding the bitter-sweetness of motherhood as my little guys grow. our youngest is not a baby any more, so ideas and thoughts about a third have been dancing in my head a lot lately and this is the conclusion i have come to. at this time i am 32, half done my women’s studies degree and so i have decided to be selfish and take the next few years and focus on finishing my degree. i want to complete it so desperately and was on a roll two years ago, but then i shockingly got pregnant and then even more shockingly discovered my tumour, so my degree got put on hold. now i am healthy and my kids are bigger and i want to at least get the school ball rolling again in january. fingers crossed!

my hope is that my kids one day look back on their childhood and feel that tingly sensation for me. i want them to recognize the sacrifices i made for them and the success that ultimately evolved from them for them and for me. i want them to burst with pride.

24 hours.

September 14, 2011 by mama lola

i am feeling pretty guilty right now. 24 hours ago i wrote an entire entry about the eye patch bear has to wear and the inevitable fighting that would ensue. well, today my three year old superstar kid wore the patch for over the expected two hours and never once complained. he got busy and wrote some names with these tiny letter stickers my mom gave him a while back. he was so focused on the task at hand, that i guess he just forgot about the patch. i was bursting with pride watching him!

but, now i feel guilty for not giving him a chance to really wear the patch and get used to the whole thing. 24 hours ago i ragged on him and was mentally preparing myself for a daily fight, with visions of having to sit on him to get the patch on! not to say it will always be easy and that he’ll never oppose the darn thing, but i really have to give credit where credit is due. my bear, my oldest kid, my three year old is an amazing kid. i am exploding with pride!

today was also bear’s first day back at pre-school. he is a seasoned student as he is going into his second year at the school. he chose his own outfit to wear and looking sharp as pie, he smiled all the way to the school. as we were saying good-bye his nerves kicked in and his chin crinkled up and he was almost in tears. but, we just got outta there leaving him in the loving arms of one of his teachers. at pick up time, 3 hours later, he was smiling and happy to see lion and i. he told us all about school and as we were leaving the classroom his teacher said bear had a wonderful morning.
again, exploding with pride.

24 hours ago i was counting down to the arrival of our new fridge. well, it arrived at 5:45pm, in the middle of dinner, but no interruption could have been more welcomed. our new fridge purrs the softest sound and i keep wondering if it’s actually on. but, it’s cold inside so i guess it’s all stations go!

i don’t want to be a pirate.

September 13, 2011 by mama lola

bear has been patched. what this means is, his right eye is not getting stronger so our optometrist recommended patching up bear’s left eye. my heart crashed to the floor when dr.B told us. all i saw was fighting and tears in my future. augh. she was so great about it, giving pointers and encouraging bribery if necessary to get our ferociously opinionated three year old to wear the patch.

argh, matey!

he has to wear it for two hours each weekday while involved in a task that requires him to really use his right eyes muscles. activities like reading books, making necklaces with beads, discussing tiny stickers or colouring small, detailed pictures are ideal. but, bear is not keen on wearing the darn thing. i promised him a surprise if he wore just at tonight’s bedtime stories. the temptation of a surprise had him wearing it for about 10 seconds and then he eventually said “i don’t want a surprise”. really?

augh… i feel like this is a battle like nothing we’ve seen before. how am i going to get him to wear this unsightly, uncomfortable thing?!?! bear has really been into pirates and tonight when dear hubby tried to set a pirate scene to encourage the patch wearing for stories, bear said “i don’t want to be a pirate”. what? are you kidding me?

with pirate patch and what we call his pirate hat at story time. shiver-me-timbers!

i need to get creative with my maternal scheming and my mama bribery ways. i mean, he’s no two-and-a-half-year old being potty trained any more. no amount of stickers is going to do the trick this time. bear is an articulate, sensitive little guy who will see right through my usual tricks. i also don’t want to introduce candy or food as part of the bribery, as i have no idea how long he will need to wear the patch.

i need help. if you have any suggestions, please share your ideas with me.
thanks.

(in)sight

September 4, 2011 by mama lola

i got new specs. they’re a bit different from what i thought, but i think i still like ’em.

since becoming a wife and mother i have struggled with my own personal style. i kinda lost it in fact. and just to clarify, i have never been super trendy or fashion conscious, but i did have my own thang going on. but, after bear was born i made the common mistake that so many mamas make and went for clothes that i thought were practical, instead of pretty. and to top it all off i always wore my locks up in a messy bun, as a way to hide the tangled mess of hair it really was.

today, my post-babies-post-tumour-post-surgeries self is quite different from the pre-everything-self i knew a handful of years ago, both physically and emotionally. i am a continual work in progress and am finding inspiration in the less obvious in life. during the past year i kinda withdrew as i was feeling so overwhelmed by everything, but now i am slowly coming back to life. coming back to my life.

september is the start of a new month, with new a clean canvas to create wonderful new adventures on. dear hubby and i will start our weekly date night, we have some exciting trips possibly in the works (NYC!) and i am seriously looking to go back to school in january 2012.

baby K with her MAMA S.

and there’s my friends. i am forever and truly grateful for my friends near and far, new and old. but, i am also grateful for the friendships my kiddo’s are making, especially bear. his friends are so important to him now and he is always asking who he is going to see when. it touches my heart as i still have friends that i made when i was his age and even if seas keep a distance it is still nice to share memories.

photo credit to lil”C’s mama and her iphone.

“ring-around-the-rosie…”

my new specs brought have with them sharper vision; hopefully a better sense self and style; and possibly deeper insights into who i am, where i am going and who i want to become.

last long weekend of the summer and we will be spending it with friends. these friends in fact; bottoms up!

raspberry fields forever.

August 31, 2011 by mama lola

i thought it was going to be a disaster. i didn’t really even want to go when dear hubby arrived home from work early. i had tossed the entire raspberry picking trip into the garbage before it even got going.

tuesday morning was a dream. lion had a two hour nap, which is very atypical for my wee cat napper. this gave bear and i had a rare opportunity for a quiet pyjama morning together, which was wonderful.

his friends also napped. then he breastfed them all when they woke up.

but, when it was time to get dressed, brush teeth and go to the library he lost it. he pulled out all of his nonsense cards and played them hard. there were aces drawn and wild cards thrown into the mix; it was a disaster. i lost. i don’t even know how we spiralled into such chaos so quickly, but we did. luckily we also recuperated quickly, but more importantly together.

finally, after lunch, after the library (we did eventually make it out) dear hubby came home. he’s the one who got us all out the door, into the van and onto the road. and i’m glad he did. although the afternoon was bloody hot and the kids got tired quickly, i was able to pick some scrumptious berries and let my mind wander. i thought about everything and nothing all at once. you know i had one of those rare occasions of solitude, even though there were other pickers around me, that i miss so deeply.

there were dahlias and sunflowers. rows and rows of these stunning flowers. if i remember correctly, they’re martha stewart’s favourite flora.

then we had dinner here and realized these chain restaurants are all the same. too much grease and fat. augh… sorry.

sweet wednesday to you and yours.
thanks for reading. xo

finger drama: mistakes made and lessons learned.

August 17, 2011 by mama lola

the other evening bear and dear hubby were in the kitchen cleaning up after dinner. bear had been really pushing the boundaries that day and by evening he was royal pain with his nonsense! then, there was an abrupt bang, then bone chilling, hair raising screams from the kitchen and dear hubby’s calm words trying to console bear. bear had had his left hand smushed by a window. we have one of those old fashioned windows you push up and then prop open with a stick, and i guess the stick was teasing our three year old and so, yeah, he took out the window support and BANG! it was awful to see him in such obvious pain and i felt like a neglectful, bad parent for opening the window and propping it open like that. of course, we had talked to bear about not touching it and i think right before the incident i heard dear hubby tell bear not to touch… but, so it goes.

we live and learn. we make mistakes, sometimes really painful ones and we move on.

luckily our family doctor has an on-call service, so after icing the fingers and giving bear a dose of acetaminophen, we decided best to call just in case we were missing something. while dear hubby chatted with the on-call doctor, bear and i sat in the playroom discussing the pained incident. he vowed never to do it again and explained that it was a mistake. my heart filled with pride listening to his profound analysis. he obviously needed to debrief the situation, just like me and it was nice to hold him and help him through the intellectual side of the incident. as the drugs kicked in and the adrenalin wore off, bear quickly fell asleep snuggled in my lap.

without a peep or complaint all night, bear woke up in the morning in a little bit of pain, but seemed to be in good spirits. with doctor’s orders from the previous evening’s on-call advice, bear and i headed to our family doctor, who was luckily able to see us first thing. she had a quick look at the swollen pinky and sent us for x-rays at the local hospital. my heart sank and i got scared instantly. what would we do if the finger or hand was broken? i felt like crying. but, i held back and we headed to the hospital. there we got the x-rays done quickly without any waiting. bear was scared, but i kept whispering sweet notions into his ear which built his courage, i think. he kept his wee hand so still and moved it accordingly for each set of the pictures. again, my heart filled with such pride.

a blurry picture while waiting for the x-ray. brave bear.

finally, after waiting for almost an hour we got the all clear: NO BROKEN FINGER!

tending to our veggie garden.

in the afternoon we played outside in the backyard, always very mindful of the painful left hand. bear kept the wrist limp and never even tried to use it for anything. poor fella!

high five, bro!

look out butterflies, there’s a catcher in town!

here’s the damage…

the pinky is the most damaged part of his wee hand. it looks worse in real life and he wouldn’t let me take a picture of it. this one i had to sneak in.

the winds of change

August 13, 2011 by mama lola

i have had a challenging summer parenting my three year old bear. although we have experienced many joys and made lots of happy memories, there have also been a surprising number of tantrums and tears (shed by both of us). as i have tried to problem solve our way through this tangled mess of power struggles, i have felt quite hopeless.

bear fell asleep in the glider after being sent to his room. he’s growing so quickly these days.

but now, half way through august i see a light at the end of the tunnel. september is around the corner and with it comes routine. i am hoping the predictable nature of our weeks and days will bring with them peace and calm as well. bear will be returning to pre-school; a place he learned to enjoy and feel safe at. as i have said before, i feel eternally grateful for his lovely teachers, amy and stacy, who have helped him find independence and gain skills. bear will also be starting ballet classes, which he has been waiting for for many months.

it’s tough being little.

just like my kids, i thrive when i know what’s going on and know what to expect. i am a planner at heart and like to commit to things, whether it’s play dates with the kids or coffee with friends. i am hoping the cooler temperatures will bring with them some mama-inspiration. my family dinner plans have been placed on hold as our summer schedule has not allowed for the planning these meals deserves. also, with the outrageous heat waves that passed through in july, i tried to limit the use of the stove and oven so as not to heat up the house more. come september, family dinners will be back on!
i also have a basket of sewing projects waiting to be tackled. nothing too exciting, but clothes that need to be mended or adjusted to fit growing bodies. i just haven’t had the time or interest during these warm summer evenings.

as august rolls along, i am trying to enjoy the last few weeks of warm weather without wishing away the end of summer. we still have many adventures to take on and projects to tackle. but, like bear, i am looking forward to a cozy canadian winter!

oh my! a dragon in my house!

i am certain fall’s cooler winds will bring the change we are so desperate for.

my worst hour.

July 29, 2011 by mama lola

we had a terrible hour on tuesday between 11:45am-12:45pm. we were visiting my folks in the big city and all i had to do was walk to the subway station and pick-up a set of car keys from dear hubby. he was working in the city that day. the walk to the station is 10 minutes max for an adult. i had carelessly left my keys back home (an hours drive), and i couldn’t get into the car. i thought i was going to have to call a Locksmith Clevedon (or one local to my area) to try and sort the situation for me. dear hubby was taking his lunch hour to get on the subway and bring me the keys.

all bear had to do was put on his sandals, so we could walk to the station and get the keys. lion was in the sling and my mom was ready to go. but, bear wouldn’t put on his sandals and when i finally got them on his feet he ripped them off. with the clock ticking and the sun beating down on us, i grabbed bear by the hand and set off to the subway. he screamed and cried and tried to keep up in his bare feet.

when we finally reached the station things went from bad to worse in a millisecond. my mom took lion and bear was completely out of control. people stared and two kind people asked if i needed help or water. they were so gentle and understanding and nodded knowingly when i said he was three and explained was over tired. i just sat there trying to hold him and kept whispering that i loved him into his ear.

dear hubby was 20 minutes late. of course! when i saw him i just grabbed the keys and got the hell outta there! as we started back to the house, bear in my arms, lion in my mom’s everyone began to calm down. bear was finally able to catch his breath after almost an hour of screaming. back at the house i sat in my mom’s rocking chair, held my two boys and felt the exhaustion enter my body in waves. bear drank some water and then walked in to my parents’ tv room and fell asleep on the floor. just like that. he slept there for two hours!

he’s getting more confident on his bike; way to ride dude!

i am not sharing this parenting disaster story as way to seek pity, but as a way to normalize these awful minutes, hours or days that happen with our kids. bear and i are going through a rough time and i am desperately searching for something to help resolve this family crisis of sorts. we are beyond consistency and expectations, although i do believe in those, but i feel like we are even more derailed than that. i am more lost than i initially understood or wanted to admit. all of that being said, i do believe we can find our way again, especially with lots of love and maybe some more self care on my part.

i’m back to reading and re-reading some parenting books i enjoy. i have also received some recommendations, which i will look into- thanks!

we went and saw “bob the builder” do a free show in the big city after the screaming fiasco. bear was excited during the show, but terrified to meet him afterwards. can’t really blame the kid, look how big bob’s head is! later bear told me bob has soft hands.

happy long weekend my fellow cannucks! see you on the other side!