bear & lion

here's a peek into the highs and woes of our life

a conversation with a four year old.

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bear : äiti, when you were little what did you want to be when you growed up?
me : i wanted to be lots of things.
bear : i want to be an astronaut.
me : i wanted to be a baker, a teacher and a painter.
bear : did you want to be a parent.
me : oh, yeah. i’ve always wanted to be an äiti. do you want to be a parent one day?
bear : no. i won’t have time. i’ll be in the rocket.
me : you can have kids and work outside the home.
bear : yeah, that’s true. being a parent is easy.

this is what our dinner conversation sounded like the other night. i wanted to laugh so hard at the end, but held it together. i didn’t want to offend the budding space traveller! it’s all that much more hilarious, because bear told dear hubby the other night, that he wanted to be a stay-at-home-dad, which is pretty unusual, but cool. he often talks about wanting to be a dad and about getting married.


growing up is hard to do. it’s a tremendous amount of work; physically, emotionally and cognitively. lion is raging through a massive growth spurt. his vocabulary is exploding, he’s complaining about his knees hurting and he eats like a horse. the last point is kinda surprising, as he’s still such a teeny dude. the world is still so vast that his oblivion is endearing to watch. his needs are simple to meet

bear though, is learning more about the world. the injustices like war and hunger and poverty are big topics. discussing war with a kid who keeps asking why is depressing. “why don’t they just want to get along and be nice to each other?”, “why are their guns and weapons?”, “why is there war in africa, but not here? will war come to canada?” oh boy, these are super tough questions to answer. i have started to explain and remind him that he is fortunate to have a home, to have food, to have a bed and to have toys. these are basic things he can relate to and hearing there are kids without toys, shocks him and then brings on more why questions. questions, i try to answer honestly.


watching the boys grow is so bittersweet. i know i have said a zillion times, but it is so true.
gah… 

xo, mama lola

we headed north.

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i’ve been away for a few days in a place that lacks easy access to the internet. we were up north, at the cottage with friends enjoying the fall weather. fall is one of my favourite times of year up there, with the leaves changing colour, the cooler temperatures that mean you have to have the fire going all day and all night. this weekend was pretty wet, but the falling rain that echoed on the steal roof was such beautiful sound, nobody complained about the rain. 


the kids loved being outside. we went for a nice hike up to the lookout point, which we discovered was also the perfect place to build a fairy hut. back at the cottage, we put them to work in the damp air. food always tastes so much better outside. so does beer. especially after filling the woodshed with fresh chopped logs. thanks for your hard work everyone! 


dear hubby and i have been following the tv show “so you think you can dance”, but because we don’t have cable at home, we have always been a little behind on the competition. on saturday, before dinner we watched the show on dear hubby’s laptop and saw the highly anticipated finale. it was such a thrilling show; we cried and laughed and then as the winners were announced, my screaming and excited clapping took off. i felt such joy and relief when my faves won the competition!!! cheers!


the kids always play so well together. we didn’t bring too many toys up, but the kids found lots to do regardless. they ran around all over the place, read stories, collected countless sticks for all sorts reasons and made some pretty amazing mud! 


hope you had a great weekend.

happy monday everyone!

xo, mama lola

the MAMA’s photoshoot.

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today, i was so confused by bear and his outrageous, unexpected anxiety.


it was our 5th annual baby group photoshoot. this is the group that came together when i was first time mum, trying desperately to figure out this whole mothering thing. the first year, the first generation of kids (bear’s age) were all about 6-8 months (except for one 6 week old) and now, the first gen’s are all over 4 years old! there are now the second generation kids, who are all about lion’s age and some MAMA’s have even had or are baking their third!!!

it’s such a fun time, but it does get quite chaotic. luckily, the photographers are mama’s too and really great with the kids. they work as a team, separating the group until it’s time for the dreaded group pic. oh boy, this year, well, bear wasn’t in the pics again and lion stood there crying. some of the other kids sat there so nicely, smiling with their sibling next to them. but not my kids. no, no…

check out the kid wearing the red pants… oh, lion…





bears tears started long before we even left the house. then as we pulled into the parking lot the screaming started, and luckily dear hubby just stayed with him there. it confuses me that bear’s behaviour was so extreme, for something so simple. a photoshoot with friends. with his parents there. and his brother.

[ bear is auditioning for the beastie boys; he’s got the moves.]


i will post some of the goodies from the real deal photographers. all of these pics were taken with a phone.


xo, mama lola

a rant about the park.

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we have two neighbourhood parks we visit. the one at the top of the big hill is our favourite. there are lots of big trees that create wonderful shade on hot summer days, sand to dig in, and often we bump into other kids from the hood there. it’s a fun place to be.


the other park is a quick trip down the street and tucked away behind a bunch of houses. it’s actually completely enclosed with only an opening wide enough for city maintenance vehicles to come in. the park is quiet, with excellent climbing option, that bear loves, including playground equipment and big gnarly trees. 

today, we went to the park down the street as it’s the perfect destination for bear to bike to. (we also went there last weekend and that’s really when my disgust started.) when we arrived at the playground last saturday and today, there was a pile of dog $h*t at the bottom of the big curly slide. i tried to cover it and shift it over, but we didn’t have our sand toys, so i only had my feet to use as tools. today, i phoned the city to complain and the woman at the other end was less than impressed with my complaint. i asked her if the park was a leash free park for dogs (because it is so enclosed), and she said no. then i told her about the poop i had found and told her it had been sitting there for almost a week. i explained that it was gross as my kids were here to play and asked if the city could put some signs up to remind people that they need to clean up after their dogs. she said she would pass along my query. 
yeah right she will. 

she practically hung up on me at the end of our conversation, which left me wanting to phone back and file a complaint about her! as the kids played and i walked around the designated play area, i found four other, crusty turd piles. 

i wanted to phone her back, but decided i would take the kids to the other side of the park instead, where there is a bench, so we could have a snack. right next to our bench are some pretty amazing trees the kids love to climb. and climb they did. oh they had fun, until suddenly i realized lion’s little thumb was bleeding. i wiped it up, but it was bleeding quite a lot and that’s when i saw several massive pieces of broken glass from a shattered beer bottle.


that’s when i went from a rage to a sadness. the park is a public space to be shared by all, to be enjoyed by all, but obviously some do not understand that shared space comes with responsibility. you have to clean up after yourself, your dog, your friend, whatever. i don’t really care what people do at the park, as long as it’s not when we are there and they clean up their messes.
c’mon people!

as we were leaving bear suggested we make our own signs and bring them to the park to remind people how to responsibly and kindly, use a shared, public space. maybe that’s what we’ll do tomorrow! i felt like bursting with pride when he said that!

do you have suggestions or ideas about what we should do?

xo, mama lola

lion in the sun.

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this space has become very saturated with bear and and all of his school stuff recently. 

i don’t want to send the wrong message that i favour my bear and that i have forgotten all ablout  my lion, because, that would be ridiculous! lion and his needs have been at the forefront of the school decisions right next to bear’s. one reason we chose to only send bear to school three days a week instead of the typical five, was because we wanted to nurture the relationship between the boys. in the summer i would lay in bed at night wondering how our littlest guy would cope with his big bro at school all day, every day, gone. i honestly worried he would fall into a bit of a depression.
dramatic? perhaps.
but, again, since we can keep bear home we midas well. the benefits are enumerable for all of us. 

i could have sent my lion to preschool this fall, but instead i chose to keep him at home with me, because he and i have never really spent much time alone, just the two of us. with dear hubby at work and bear at school all day, it is the perfect time to clock in some valuable one on one time with my wee guy. now at two lion is seriously asserting his own wants and needs, and has an opinion about everything (just like his mama). by spending more focused time with him, i think it’ll help curb some of the screaming and tattling that takes over in the evening around here.


i will look into community programs and see what we will do. maybe swimming, maybe a reading group, maybe an art class. whatever we do decide to do, i am so excited for us to spend time as duo! 

he’s excited too, he just doesn’t know it yet!  

how do you divide yourself amongst your kids? how do you find balance?


xo, mama lola

a letter to my bear.

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to my sweet bear,

i am writing this letter to you as a kind of coming of age ritual. this is a first of many, i hope.

here we go…you are my first born son. 
you have always brought great joy to my life and as my first, there has been great uncertainty at times as well. your dad and i have always tried our best, with what we knew at the time. sometimes we really didn’t know very much! i am so proud to be your mama, your äiti. your silly personality, your sense of humour and your artistic flare are such a pleasure to live with every day. your intuitive abilities with people will take you far and will help you with whatever you do. your sensitive self will provide a foundation to help navigate the ups and downs in life. your emotions will guide you, even during difficult times.

i have watched you grow greatly this year; your confidence has started to blossom. your thirst for knowledge and creative expression have found a wonderful balance within you, rounding out who you are, and who you are becoming. my wish is that i have provided you with the opportunities to grow into a responsible adult

two years ago our little lion joined our family. since then, i have watched you grow into a solid, big brother. your relationship with him is already close and full of love. i hope the two of you remain the best of buds throughout your lives.


today, you are four-and-a-half years old and you are entering a new chapter in your life by starting kindergarten. we have discussed at length what you should expect, what your classroom will look like, how to behave at school, what kind of activities you will participate in and so on. i believe you are as ready as you ever will be. 

i see greatness in your life. i hope your curiosity takes you to interesting places around the world and that you meet good people. i hope you learn to dance to your own beat, ignoring what society dictates and ignoring the norms our consumer culture has created. i hope you love with everything in you and do not fear the pains and joys of commitment.

my wish is that i have provided you with the opportunities, taught you the right skills and told you i love you enough times. i hope you have felt loved and respected each day of your life; i know you have showed your love to me, even during times of frustration.

i love you.
from here to the moon and to saturn and back a gazillion times.

yours always,
äiti
september 09, 2012

.  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .
[  sitting around at the park at five months. ]
[ all smiles at 18 months. ]
[ mischievous bear at 4.5 years. ]

.   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   . 

i got this sappy letter idea from a mama friend of mine. angela at “life with my forest creatures” wrote a letter to her daughter and you can read her letter HERE.


xo, mama lola

school gear!

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here’s a quick look at bear’s must haves this fall for school with prices as we paid for them…


1. a new bookbag from MEC (HERE)
2. brand new super cool sneakers from H&M (HERE)
3. rad, red, chinos also from H&M (HERE)
4. fancy shirt, again from H&M (HERE)
5. light weight, easy to use rubbermaid containers (as seen HERE & HERE). i actually bought his on super-duper sale at the local grocery store!


xo, mama lola

bear started kindergarten today.

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today was a big day for our family.


my eldest started school. they have a new system, where they don’t just throw the JK’s into the school and see who sins or swims, instead, they stagger the start days. that means, today bear went on from 12pm until 2pm to meet his teacher, see his classroom and make some new friends. dear hubby, lion and i walked to school with him. as we were walking i was holding back tears, biting my lip and trying desperately to ignore the urge to turn around and run back home with my bear tightly in my arms.

[ leaving the house with a pouty bear and tired lion.]


we arrived at the school to a small group of waiting families. then bear’s teacher called him and some other JK’s to go into her room. so, in we went and almost immediately we were told to quickly say good-bye and leave.
i felt so flustered and tried to give him a kiss; i don’t even remember if i told him i loved him. and then we left, leaving him behind. i rushed out of the school with tears welling up in my eyes, trying to wipe them away without smearing my mascara every where. why i put that stuff on… anyway, i only allowed myself to cry a few little sobs before we walked home. lion fell asleep in the stroller and the three of us we spent a quiet afternoon at home without our bear.

[ a quick good-bye. ]

the house felt empty without bear. he’s not a particularly loud kid, but he has big presence here. he holds his own and makes himself known.
my heart ached as i looked at baby pictures of him, wondering where my little bear had gone. how did four and a half years fly by like that? gone, i swear all i did was blink and swoosh, gone. time has this magic of disappearing into thin air.

the two hours at school passed quickly enough. back at school we met his teacher, madameC, who is lovely. she is friendly and soft, and her demeanour seems like an ideal match for my guy. she remembered bear from the visit the kids had in the spring, the one where he grabbed my leg and cried and wouldn’t let go. today madameC told me with a gentle smile that he didn’t cry at all and that he seemed quite calm. that is reassuring. something i needed to hear.


bear himself was delighted to show us his cubby for his shoes and the corner he tucked his bookbag into. he proudly presented me with the art he had done and excitedly explained that they had even gone outside. as i listened to him, i was honestly so happy for him and so proud, especially since going to JK is a big deal for my anxious little guy. but, and i hate to admit this, deep down inside i was sad that his life was going on without me; that he doesn’t need me quite so much any more; that he’s growing up. 


i know it sounds silly, and possibly laughable. 
but, as a stay-at-home-mama, letting go of my child and entrusting him to someone else is a big deal. that’s one of the reasons we’re only sending him for three days a week instead of the full five. luckily bear’s teacher madameC and the school principal seem unphased and supportive of our own schedule. i am not willing to completely give him up to the system. others can judge me all they want, but kids are in school all day, five days a week for over a decade. i want to spend as much time with my kids as possible, while i can. 

[ looking confident and proud in front of the kindergarten playground. ]


[ walking home.]


maybe it’s selfish, maybe it’s self-less, depends who you ask, i suppose.
but, i know what’s best for my kids.

xo, mama lola

bob marley wants to know if i’m satisfied.

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today’s NaBloPoMo prompt is from bob marley’s song exodus: 

“open your eyes, look within. are you satisfied with the life you’re living“


love bob.

so, am i satisfied with the life i am living? in all honesty there is no one answer to this question.  over all, i love my life. are there things i would change? of course. are there things i would never change? absolutely.
and, what is satisfaction exactly? this source says it’s fulfillment and a quality of being. if i look closely at my life, i can honestly say that i am fulfilled in some aspects of my life, but not all. my mothering and nurturing role is one that i am proud of and it fulfills me in a way nothing else does. my children fill me with such love, pride and joy. i drink up their smiles and laughter, and i try to remember those faces during times of difficulty and turmoil. i love being a mama and know that this is the job i am supposed to be doing.

but, i do feel as though the intellectual, curious side of me gets neglected and is therefore unfulfilled. as an adult i loved going to school and learning. i loved working in my field at a women’s shelter. i have always enjoyed challenging and pushing myself into new, unknown territories whether through education, travel or work. or all three combined. that part of my life has been placed on hold temporarily. my plan is to go back and finish my women’s studies degree. but after lion was born and i had my tumour removed, i felt it was time to take time away from school. i did pursue my studies when bear was a baby, and i do see myself returning, but not at this time. not just yet. but, soon. 

when i was younger and fantasized about my life it had all the major players i have now. a husband,  a couple of kids, a house, a car, but as a kid i never fantasized beyond the materialistic side of life. i didn’t know how and i suppose i was too immature to understand how important that emotional satisfaction is. 
sometimes i do feel emotional unfulfilled and dissatisfied. being a SAHM is what i want to be doing, but it comes with it’s own set of cons. i am always repeating myself, wiping faces, wiping a lot of bums, i am always wiping counters, rinsing dishes, folding laundry, driving to somewhere, pushing swings, dumping sand out of shoes, reminding of manners, reminding the boys not hit each other, not to push each other, not to tattle, to think outside the box, and so and so. it’s very UNstimulating for my brain.
that sometimes leaves me feeling sad. overwhelmed. lonely. stupid. limited. unmotivated. isolated.

[ a random beach on the south shore of nova scotia. ]


at the end of the day for me, my satisfaction comes from finding a balance between all of the aspects of my life. when i am in balance, i feel good and satisfied with my life. 
i feel fulfilled. 
when i step off the line and lose my balance, i feel bad about myself and that negativity is felt by my kids and dear hubby.

i strive for balance.
every day that is my goal.

xo, mama lola
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