so, i’m trying to change some bad old habits and am trying to incorporate more ME time into each day. it’s hard tough. with the kids schedules of school drop offs, lunch, bum wipes and nap times and then school pick ups, meal prep, it really leaves shockingly small windows of time for me to do something for myself. i used to be able to do some things in the evenings after dear hubby got home, but now that bear is in school and our days start so early i find it harder to motivate myself to leave the house after dinner. maybe that will change once spring arrives and it’s not so dark so early.

but, i am making some progress. i am back to blogging regularly, which i really enjoy. i am spending small amounts of time out of the house, alone or with friends and i am working hard not to feel guilty about it. i know that sounds ridiculous, but i really do suffer from a serious case of mother’s guilt. i feel guilty about so many things. in fact, in a sick twist of irony i feel guilty for feeling guilty. sigh.

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i am learning to let go.
let go expectations. those ridiculously high expectations i have. of myself.
and, i am learning to be more realistic about what i can and should do. 

i hit the gym after school drop off, and before lunch yesterday morning. it seems like it’s the optimal time to get that small task done for me. here’s hoping it becomes a new habit. it felt pretty good to do something for me, even though my stint at the Y was short and sweet. we’ll see what happens next week.

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i am moving onward and upward in this new year. away from the hard and destructive old habits, to healthier ones. new habits are still hard, but at least i’m moving towards something positive, instead of sitting in something stagnant.

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i love all of these quotations i found on pinterest. 
i feel like i need some positive affirmations, some positive vibes thrown my way.
a friend recommended a book to read about mothering, and guilt, and all that fun stuff. 

our current year is about to come to a close, inspiring me to do a quick wrap up of the year… and, what a year it has been! we’ve enjoyed some super high highs and shockingly low lows, all which have been rounded out by lots of middle of the road, mundane kinda days. 

my life as a mum is typically filled with a dull drudgery, based in routine and a constant dialogue of reminding the kids to eat their meals, wash their hands, put their long john’s on, tidy up, say thank-you and so on and so on. with bear in school, the routine on those days starts early, before the sun has even risen and i am usually alone with the boys on these dark, cold mornings. i am often amazed we survive as well as we do on most days. 

and let me quickly clarify that the drudgery is not a bad thing. it’s just a thing. it’s life. our life at this time. most people live a kind of dull routine, one that is mundane and that is only highlighted by joys. 

and, we certainly have experienced lots of different joys this year. the one big one being, getting the all clear from my endochronologist and neurologist to have more kids if that’s what we want to do. having had several clean MRI’s and bloodwork results since my tumour was removed in november 2010, has been such a huge relief. a joy in fact. and not just for me, but for my sweet dear hubby, my parents, friends and family.
phew!

and although mothering has brought with it drudgery, it has also brought me lots of joy. and, not just at the obvious times, like birthdays or other important milestones. but, sometimes during the mundane routines of teeth brushing one of the boys will smile sweetly, caress my arm and tell me they love me. that is pretty lovely and joyful. or, they will learn a song and beam with pride when they sing it for us. that fills my heart with joy. or, they will draw a picture and hang it on the fridge themselves dancing with satisfaction when i comment on the art. this too, fills me with joy. we have shared many happy, exciting times as a foursome this past year and i feel very fortunate for that.

2012 also brought with it hard, sad times, which have necessary to endure in order to really recognize and enjoy the happy times. even though, the the tough times have been heartbreaking, they have brought with them a momentum for change. i find the struggles in life are also the catalysts for real change. i am now entering a new year, with a clarity that i have never held before for what i want and need in my life, in order to succeed as a person. a whole person. not just a mother, or a wife or a woman, or a daughter or a friend.

there has been one constant in the ups and downs of my life, and that is my dear hubby. he has stood by me, sometimes clueless as to what to do or say, but he has been by my side regardless. our marriage has been tested and pushed to new limits this year, but our love and optimism for each other and our relationship will bring us even closer in this coming year. i love my husband deeply and feel very lucky to have found him years ago in the woods of northern ontario. his calm balances my excitement and his cool balances my heat. our differences and similarities are a surprising match.

for 2013 becoming whole is my resolution. to learn to fulfill myself in many different ways, especially by incorporating new outlets for creativity, education and physicality. i need to really learn how and when to set boundaries, learn to say no and learn to ask for support. i also need to stop feeling guilty about the most insignificant things and forgive myself for the mistakes i have made. 
this year is coming to a close and i feel like i am also closing a chapter in my life. this new year’s eve feels like the starting point for a new chapter in my life, a fresh page or blank canvas, and it is up to me choose the where to begin.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!
SEE YOU IN 2013!

xo, mama lola