a bad morning.

October 17, 2012 by mama lola

we had a terrible morning today. dear hubby leaves early to commute to the big city on wednesday’s and so he escaped the tears and the fighting.

it all started because, the boys and i slept in a little. that really was the beginning of the end. we woke up at 7:15am compared to the usual 7am (or earlier), and I dragged myself from my queen size mattress (which is so comfy!!!) and we have 30 minutes for breakfast, 30 minutes for teeth brushing and getting dressed. we’re out the door by 8:05am, so we can walk to school, giving bear some time to play before the bell rings at 8:35am. it works.

bear is a very slow moving little boy even at the best of times. this morning, when i tried to explain to him that we may be late, he continued diddling as the clock kept ticking. i kept repeating myself over and over again, “c’mon dude, get dressed, we gotta get going” or “eat up, so we can brush our teeth”. and, then eventually the tension started to build; his pants were all wrong, his socks got stuck on his toe, lion stole bear’s banana, lion squirmed and screamed when i tried to dress him, and so on.

it felt as though everything was going wrong and taking extra time, so by the time 8:10am came around i knew it was a driving morning. blargh.

i hate driving to school. we live far enough that we do have to leave early to make it on time, but close enough, that driving feels incredibly lazy. so, today we drove. but, before getting to the car, bear had an epic meltdown about rain pants and coats and backpacks. it was so awful. i too melted down, but only for a millisecond, as we still had to get to school.

we did eventually make it on time and bear had time to play with his friends.

[ happier times a year ago. ]

once lion and i got back home, i broke down. i was crushed by guilt and sadness, imagining my little guy at school remembering back to our disastrous morning. my heart ached. i know realistically, he forgot about that mornings fighting soon after he arrived at school but, i remembered and i still continue to feel an ache in my heart.

and now, lion is refusing to nap. this day is getting better by the minute!

cheers to hump day!

[ source. ]

hope you are having a better day than me!

bullying: it happened to me.

October 14, 2012 by mama lola

* october is national anti-bullying month. *

this is a subject that dear hubby and i visit often now that we are parents. it’s in the news these days as a young girl in BC committed suicide recently, it’s on the agenda at the parent council meeting at bear’s school and it sits in the back of my mind as memories from my youth haunting me at times.

when i was a kid, we called it teasing.
when i was growing up in finland, i was never targeted, but at the age of 11 my parents and i moved to australia. my dad was working on a big project there and so we followed him down under. i was raised in a bilingual family, my mom has always spoken finnish, my dad english. but, i didn’t really know how to read or write in english when growing up in finland, but i my verbal skills were excellent. in australia, i was in grade six and i was such an outsider and targeted pretty heavily by my peers. the kids had no clue about finland and asked if we had lived in an igloo or had a tv. i spoke with an accent, had no idea that gumboots were rubber boots and was unaware of the cool way to roll my socks. the other kids laughed and taunted me for not knowing various swear words or sexual terms. i would go home in tears and eventually told my parents who went to the school. but, nothing really helped. then, in grade seven i switched schools and made a handful of good friends and the rest of my time on australia was a positive experience.

but then, we moved again. not back to finland, but to canada. so, again due to cultural differences i was targeted and bullied. this time, the kids were meaner and more aggressive, probably because we were older. one boy would even hit me in the head, all the time saying, “hey, you wanna cuff?” this time, i didn’t tell anyone, because i was older and way more insecure about everything (weren’t we all at 12/13 years). my body was changing; i was growing at a shocking rate going from the smallest kid in class to one of the tallest girls in a matter of a year! i was teased for the shoes i wore, for not wearing a bra and then one day for wearing a bra, for calling an eraser a rubber, which in canada is a condom!

it was hard. really hard. i made some good friends, but they were targeted as well for being smart, or for wearing their hair the wrong way or whatever. my self worth and esteem were low and once i hit high-school, i was on the fast train going downhill, fast and furious! i went from cute to not-so-cute! my look and attitude changed from smiles to angst, presented through ripped jeans, loud music and frightening behaviour, which i’m not going to get into here!

i was scarred quite deeply from the years of teasing, taunting and bullying. i carry those scars today and although i like to think i have grown into a confident adult, when i hear about the kids today being bullied, my past comes rushing back to me. all the self loathing and feelings of loneliness come back to me in an instant, because my pain was very real.

dear hubby doesn’t get it as he was never teased, which i think is pure luck, because kids around him, his friends were bullied. but I knew if he ever did feel the way I felt and like the many others around him, he could easily seek help and get some guidance from sites like https://www.knowledgeformen.com/i-hate-my-life/. I think perhaps I might do the same in the future so I can better manage this feeling of pain and self-loathing that keeps cropping back up.

here’s a quick look at my awkward years. yikes!

i survived, i think, because the cyber-internet-facebook-world didn’t exist back when i was a kid, so i got a break from the attacks. i went to ballet and those friends had no idea about what was happening at school. unfortunately, it is so different for kids today as they do not have that luxury of compartmentalizing their lives as easily, if you’re not too sure about cyberbullying in today’s world, you can head on over to pages such as broadbandsearch cyber bullying offering facts and statistics on cyberbullying in 2019. thanks to the internet their worlds come colliding together, whether they want it or not and the bullying in incessant. the internet also provides the attackers with a veil of anonymity and once something is out there is cyber space, it stays there! October is National Cybersecurity Awareness Month. It is to help raise awareness of cyber security and online attacks.

my eldest, my sweet bear has some of his own ideas about fashion as a four-and-a-half year old. he loves sparkly things and his rubber boots have pink hearts all over them. most would label his boots as being meant for girls and one day someone is going to say something cruel to him about them. his previous boots had flowers on them and some big kid at the library made a point about them. dude also has loves his red pants, his tights; he tells me his favourite colours are pink and yellow, which shouldn’t matter, but again, someone is going to tell him that boys should not like pink.

i am so scared for him. i don’t want his naivete and wonder to be shattered by some bully telling him he’s not wearing the right clothes.
oh, boy.

lion had pneumonia.

October 10, 2012 by mama lola

i didn’t want to write about this when we got the shocking pneumonia diagnosis, because i was worried it would jinx things. pneumonia in a two year old is scary. super scary. especially when it’s your own kid.

it all started with a cough. lion got a cold, or that’s what we thought it was, from his brother, who keeps bringing various germs home from school. last monday, lion and i were running some errands and he had this deep, cough that sounded, um, different, for a lack of a proper descriptive word. he just kept coughing and coughing, so i decided to book it home earlier for lunch and his afternoon nap.

i was lying with my littlest guy as he was falling asleep and that’s when i heard it. a wheezing from his lungs. and that’s when i noticed his breathing was quicker and seemed to be a struggle. my gut told me to call the family doctor and we got in immediately. our doc took one look at his chest and sent us for chest x-rays, which confirmed the pneumonia suspicion. my heart sank when we got the call at home, because a pneumonia diagnosis is scary. people die from complications related to pneumonia! but, luckily for us we caught it super early, thanks to my mommy-instincts, as my doc put it and got him the care he needed.

have you ever taken a two year old for chest x-rays? well, see the image below, that’s what it looked like. except, picture my lion in that plastic tube, naked wearing just his diaper with his legs dangling, and me holding lions hands up and him screaming.
oh, it was just awful. so heartbreaking.

[ source ]

fortunately, we live in the first world and got antibiotics into his little body quickly. that icky pink stuff was like magic and by the next morning he already looked better. not healthy, just better. and now, a week later he is back to his old self!

bear was quite sympathetic towards his sick brother. he put on his big brother boots and was generous when it mattered. seeing the boys be affectionate and loving towards each other is quite touching.

now, everyone is back to good health! fingers crossed it stays that way!
HAPPY HUMP DAY!

my sensitive dude.

October 3, 2012 by mama lola

sometimes i have no idea what i’m doing as a mother.

i question decisions i (we) have made about the boys, especially when i discover things aren’t exactly as i thought. on monday when i picked up bear from school his teacher told me he had cried several times through-out the day. she thought it was because, he is not in school daily and feels out of sync with the rest of the class, but my gut says that’s not it all. my gut says something happened with a classmate; an exchange that was mean or possible even just confusing to bear.

that afternoon when i tried gently to talk to bear he would turn away and shook his head in silence, meaning he didn’t want to talk about it. obviously, i can’t force him to share what happened and maybe it’ll come out some other day. but, that leaves me feeling pretty sad for my guy.

yesterday, wasn’t any better. he had a terrible day and came home looking overwhelmed and exhausted. i let things lie, not talking about the school day until later in the evening, reminding him he needs to speak up for himself. it’s something he is not good at; he tells me he’s scared to ask for things or say things, all sorts of things. it shatters me to think of my sensitive guy, feeling alone at school. he told me he didn’t play at recess, but just stood there watching the other kids. augh. hearing him shut down at school breaks my heart and leaves me wondering how i can help him…

i think my bear is a sensitive kid, highly intuitive and in tune with his environment. after reading about it in books and articles, i think that’s what we’re dealing with, cuz it ain’t shyness, baby. here’s a great article from mothering magazine explaining what is means to be a sensitive child and what it looks like for the mother of a sensitive child.

this morning started with a constant whine of,“ i don’t want to go to school. i want to be at home with you.”
what’s a mama to do?
fingers crossed this rainy october day is better for him than the beginning of the week!

halloween fun!

September 30, 2012 by mama lola

this is the first time our kids will really be enjoying halloween. i have explained trick or treating to bear and he is thrilled to be getting lotsa candy! we have missed halloween in passed years due to illness or business trips and last year we were in new york surviving the nor’easter that tried to knock us down.

we have already started decorating and the boys have their costumes. i realize it’s only september, but i’m really looking forward to the season of ghosts and goblins!

here are some fun crafts ‘n treats, easy enough you can do with the kiddo’s:

1. glitter cobweb from here

2. ghoulish zombie faces from here

3. fiery pumpkin patch from here

4. spooky pum’kin from here

5. glowing cupcakes, yup, you heard me… from here

6. crafty paper pumpins, from here.

we have already started decorating and the boys have their costumes. i realize it’s only september, but i’m really looking forward to the season of ghosts and goblins!

a conversation with a four year old.

September 27, 2012 by mama lola

bear : äiti, when you were little what did you want to be when you growed up?
me : i wanted to be lots of things.
bear : i want to be an astronaut.
me : i wanted to be a baker, a teacher and a painter.
bear : did you want to be a parent.
me : oh, yeah. i’ve always wanted to be an äiti. do you want to be a parent one day?
bear : no. i won’t have time. i’ll be in the rocket.
me : you can have kids and work outside the home.
bear : yeah, that’s true. being a parent is easy.

this is what our dinner conversation sounded like the other night. i wanted to laugh so hard at the end, but held it together. i didn’t want to offend the budding space traveller! it’s all that much more hilarious, because bear told dear hubby the other night, that he wanted to be a stay-at-home-dad, which is pretty unusual, but cool. he often talks about wanting to be a dad and about getting married.

growing up is hard to do. it’s a tremendous amount of work; physically, emotionally and cognitively. lion is raging through a massive growth spurt. his vocabulary is exploding, he’s complaining about his knees hurting and he eats like a horse. the last point is kinda surprising, as he’s still such a teeny dude. the world is still so vast that his oblivion is endearing to watch. his needs are simple to meet

bear though, is learning more about the world. the injustices like war and hunger and poverty are big topics. discussing war with a kid who keeps asking why is depressing. “why don’t they just want to get along and be nice to each other?”, “why are their guns and weapons?”, “why is there war in africa, but not here? will war come to canada?” oh boy, these are super tough questions to answer. i have started to explain and remind him that he is fortunate to have a home, to have food, to have a bed and to have toys. these are basic things he can relate to and hearing there are kids without toys, shocks him and then brings on more why questions. questions, i try to answer honestly.

watching the boys grow is so bittersweet. i know i have said a zillion times, but it is so true.
gah…

little fishes.

September 25, 2012 by mama lola

bear started swimming lessons last week and it was a huge hit!

i have wanted to get him signed up for a long time, but wanted him to be old enough so that he could be independently in the pool. having a little brother, meant things got a little delayed, as i was never keen on leaving lion in the childminding at the local YMCA. so, this september was it. we signed him up and bear was thrilled. he never expressed any fear or apprehension, instead he has always sounded very proud at the idea of going swimming. to make the lessons more fun, his bestie is going with him.

last week was the first lesson. i was very surprised at bear’s enthusiasm, as we have had such struggles in the past with him participating alone in camps or other activities. his anxiety surrounding separation and transitions is difficult to predict, and as he gets older some things are becoming easier for him.

he goes swimming on a weekday morning, while his peers are at school. it’s a perfect way to fill the morning, without going to school. lion and i get to sit on the benches on the side and watch. we clap and cheer as the boys splash their way though the water.

mrT and bear are the only two kids in the group, so it’s as though their having private lessons. the direct attention from their instructor is priceless, as she swims with them in the pool, directing them into the deep end, catching them as they jump in and giving them all the guidance and confidence they need.

here’s hoping this weeks morning lesson goes as smoothly as last weeks, as these two adorable fishies are so fortunate to have these lessons without any other kids in the group.

picture perfect.

September 19, 2012 by mama lola

today’s NaBloPoMo prompt :: still picture vs. video.
i think it’s pretty obvious just from this blog that i prefer a still picture to a video. i do take video’s of the boys at times, but i mostly take photo’s. lots and lots of photo’s. there’s something more revealing about a photograph than a video.

for example, i got a mini video of bear’s first steps, and although i love it and i remember that evening so well, i prefer the pictures i got of lion’s first steps. right, dontcha think?

exhibit A: bear’s first steps a couple of days before his first christmas, 2008.

versus

exhibit B: lion’s first steps a couple of weeks after his first birthday, july 2011

with a still picture you an sit there and just stare at the image in front of you. i’m the kind of person who loves to soak in all the details in a photo; i notice things in the foreground, background, and all the specifics in between. there’s something magical about capturing tiny moments in time, as opposed to longer stretches. like in the sequence above with lion, look at his little dimple, his wee hands and the way his toes curl when he takes a step. or bear in the background aware of what’s going on, but busy with his own game. so sweet n’ lovely.

back in the day, i was the friend who loved looking at other people’s vacation pictures. there was something about listening to the stories, brought on by a specific photo, that i have always enjoyed. other peoples pictures have always fascinated me. i used to spend hours looking at old pictures of relatives i had never met, but felt connected to. those moments provide opportunities for ones imagination to go wild and take you to adventurous places, wondering about all the details the photograph cannot capture. like sound.

video has sound, which can be a bonus. but, as a visual person, a visual learner, i don’t miss the sound when looking at a still.

which do you prefer? still or video?

here’s filter with “take a picture”. love this song; brings back all sorts of memories!

the elements

September 19, 2012 by mama lola

this morning when we woke up the sky was falling. it was raining and hard! the kind of rain, where i was willing to get everyone dressed and ready for the day, pile them in the car and drop bear off at school. and that was the plan, but then dear hubby braved up and decided he would just walk to school with bear. (tuesdays are his school drop off days.) i was so pleased, because i didn’t want to slide into the car routine so easily and quickly. school has only been on for a week and it’s only about 15 minutes away!

this afternoon, it was my turn to pick up bear and brave the ominous dark clouds sitting in the horizon. i got lion and myself decked out in our rain coats and rubber boots and off we went. luckily, it wasn’t raining as hard as it was this morning.

when i was growing up in finland, i always walked to school. rain or shine or snow, i had to walk or bike. but, there was this one exception. it was winter 1986/87 or so and the temperature had dipped down to some record breaking lows. they were in the mid -30’s celsius for days (maybe weeks) , my dad was away on business is venezuala for a month, so my mom decided to drive some of my friends and i to school. and let me make a point here, i was NEVER driven to school, it’s just something that never happened. ever. so anyhow, it was so cold and about 5 of my little friends came to our house and we all piled into the car. the seats were frozen solid and the cassette tape (probably paul simon’s, graceland) in the player sounded all wonky. cars are all plugged in overnight in finland, so that they will start the next day, but it had been so cold, even the plugged car had difficulty starting! yikes! my mom and i still laugh about that morning.

[ here’s a pic of me at about a year old, sleeping with my fur hat on. fur hats were big back then!]

here’s hoping we will brave any weather mother nature throws our way, no matter how wet,cold, windy or humid!

how do you manage the elements?

the MAMA’s photoshoot.

September 16, 2012 by mama lola

today, i was so confused by bear and his outrageous, unexpected anxiety.

it was our 5th annual baby group photoshoot. this is the group that came together when i was first time mum, trying desperately to figure out this whole mothering thing. the first year, the first generation of kids (bear’s age) were all about 6-8 months (except for one 6 week old) and now, the first gen’s are all over 4 years old! there are now the second generation kids, who are all about lion’s age and some MAMA’s have even had or are baking their third!!!

it’s such a fun time, but it does get quite chaotic. luckily, the photographers are mama’s too and really great with the kids. they work as a team, separating the group until it’s time for the dreaded group pic. oh boy, this year, well, bear wasn’t in the pics again and lion stood there crying. some of the other kids sat there so nicely, smiling with their sibling next to them. but not my kids. no, no…

check out the kid wearing the red pants… oh, lion…

bears tears started long before we even left the house. then as we pulled into the parking lot the screaming started, and luckily dear hubby just stayed with him there. it confuses me that bear’s behaviour was so extreme, for something so simple. a photoshoot with friends. with his parents there. and his brother.