we are having a quiet home day today. the boys need some peace today.
as do i.
* please check out on the right-side-bar a new facebook button. click and come join the fun with bear & lion on fb!
* also, up top there under the peggy’s cove photo, i added a new tab listing some of my fave blogs out there. now, go do some reading!
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| [ source ] |
peace out.
xo
this space has become very saturated with bear and and all of his school stuff recently.Â
i don’t want to send the wrong message that i favour my bear and that i have forgotten all ablout  my lion, because, that would be ridiculous! lion and his needs have been at the forefront of the school decisions right next to bear’s. one reason we chose to only send bear to school three days a week instead of the typical five, was because we wanted to nurture the relationship between the boys. in the summer i would lay in bed at night wondering how our littlest guy would cope with his big bro at school all day, every day, gone. i honestly worried he would fall into a bit of a depression.
dramatic? perhaps.
but, again, since we can keep bear home we midas well. the benefits are enumerable for all of us.Â
i could have sent my lion to preschool this fall, but instead i chose to keep him at home with me, because he and i have never really spent much time alone, just the two of us. with dear hubby at work and bear at school all day, it is the perfect time to clock in some valuable one on one time with my wee guy. now at two lion is seriously asserting his own wants and needs, and has an opinion about everything (just like his mama). by spending more focused time with him, i think it’ll help curb some of the screaming and tattling that takes over in the evening around here.
i will look into community programs and see what we will do. maybe swimming, maybe a reading group, maybe an art class. whatever we do decide to do, i am so excited for us to spend time as duo!Â
he’s excited too, he just doesn’t know it yet! Â
how do you divide yourself amongst your kids? how do you find balance?
to my sweet bear,
i am writing this letter to you as a kind of coming of age ritual. this is a first of many, i hope.
here we go…you are my first born son.Â
you have always brought great joy to my life and as my first, there has been great uncertainty at times as well. your dad and i have always tried our best, with what we knew at the time. sometimes we really didn’t know very much! i am so proud to be your mama, your äiti. your silly personality, your sense of humour and your artistic flare are such a pleasure to live with every day. your intuitive abilities with people will take you far and will help you with whatever you do. your sensitive self will provide a foundation to help navigate the ups and downs in life. your emotions will guide you, even during difficult times.
i have watched you grow greatly this year; your confidence has started to blossom. your thirst for knowledge and creative expression have found a wonderful balance within you, rounding out who you are, and who you are becoming. my wish is that i have provided you with the opportunities to grow into a responsible adult
two years ago our little lion joined our family. since then, i have watched you grow into a solid, big brother. your relationship with him is already close and full of love. i hope the two of you remain the best of buds throughout your lives.
today, you are four-and-a-half years old and you are entering a new chapter in your life by starting kindergarten. we have discussed at length what you should expect, what your classroom will look like, how to behave at school, what kind of activities you will participate in and so on. i believe you are as ready as you ever will be.Â
i see greatness in your life. i hope your curiosity takes you to interesting places around the world and that you meet good people. i hope you learn to dance to your own beat, ignoring what society dictates and ignoring the norms our consumer culture has created. i hope you love with everything in you and do not fear the pains and joys of commitment.
my wish is that i have provided you with the opportunities, taught you the right skills and told you i love you enough times. i hope you have felt loved and respected each day of your life; i know you have showed your love to me, even during times of frustration.
i love you.
from here to the moon and to saturn and back a gazillion times.
yours always,
äiti
september 09, 2012
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| [ Â sitting around at the park at five months. ] |
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| [ all smiles at 18 months. ] |
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| [ mischievous bear at 4.5 years. ] |
i got this sappy letter idea from a mama friend of mine. angela at “life with my forest creatures” wrote a letter to her daughter and you can read her letter HERE.
today was a big day for our family.
my eldest started school. they have a new system, where they don’t just throw the JK’s into the school and see who sins or swims, instead, they stagger the start days. that means, today bear went on from 12pm until 2pm to meet his teacher, see his classroom and make some new friends. dear hubby, lion and i walked to school with him. as we were walking i was holding back tears, biting my lip and trying desperately to ignore the urge to turn around and run back home with my bear tightly in my arms.
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| [ leaving the house with a pouty bear and tired lion.] |
we arrived at the school to a small group of waiting families. then bear’s teacher called him and some other JK’s to go into her room. so, in we went and almost immediately we were told to quickly say good-bye and leave.
i felt so flustered and tried to give him a kiss; i don’t even remember if i told him i loved him. and then we left, leaving him behind. i rushed out of the school with tears welling up in my eyes, trying to wipe them away without smearing my mascara every where. why i put that stuff on… anyway, i only allowed myself to cry a few little sobs before we walked home. lion fell asleep in the stroller and the three of us we spent a quiet afternoon at home without our bear.
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| [ a quick good-bye. ] |
the house felt empty without bear. he’s not a particularly loud kid, but he has big presence here. he holds his own and makes himself known.
my heart ached as i looked at baby pictures of him, wondering where my little bear had gone. how did four and a half years fly by like that? gone, i swear all i did was blink and swoosh, gone. time has this magic of disappearing into thin air.
the two hours at school passed quickly enough. back at school we met his teacher, madameC, who is lovely. she is friendly and soft, and her demeanour seems like an ideal match for my guy. she remembered bear from the visit the kids had in the spring, the one where he grabbed my leg and cried and wouldn’t let go. today madameC told me with a gentle smile that he didn’t cry at all and that he seemed quite calm. that is reassuring. something i needed to hear.
bear himself was delighted to show us his cubby for his shoes and the corner he tucked his bookbag into. he proudly presented me with the art he had done and excitedly explained that they had even gone outside. as i listened to him, i was honestly so happy for him and so proud, especially since going to JK is a big deal for my anxious little guy. but, and i hate to admit this, deep down inside i was sad that his life was going on without me; that he doesn’t need me quite so much any more; that he’s growing up.Â
i know it sounds silly, and possibly laughable.Â
but, as a stay-at-home-mama, letting go of my child and entrusting him to someone else is a big deal. that’s one of the reasons we’re only sending him for three days a week instead of the full five. luckily bear’s teacher madameC and the school principal seem unphased and supportive of our own schedule. i am not willing to completely give him up to the system. others can judge me all they want, but kids are in school all day, five days a week for over a decade. i want to spend as much time with my kids as possible, while i can.Â
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| [ looking confident and proud in front of the kindergarten playground. ] |
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| [ walking home.] |
maybe it’s selfish, maybe it’s self-less, depends who you ask, i suppose.
but, i know what’s best for my kids.
love bob.
so, am i satisfied with the life i am living? in all honesty there is no one answer to this question. Â over all, i love my life. are there things i would change? of course. are there things i would never change? absolutely.
and, what is satisfaction exactly? this source says it’s fulfillment and a quality of being. if i look closely at my life, i can honestly say that i am fulfilled in some aspects of my life, but not all. my mothering and nurturing role is one that i am proud of and it fulfills me in a way nothing else does. my children fill me with such love, pride and joy. i drink up their smiles and laughter, and i try to remember those faces during times of difficulty and turmoil. i love being a mama and know that this is the job i am supposed to be doing.
but, i do feel as though the intellectual, curious side of me gets neglected and is therefore unfulfilled. as an adult i loved going to school and learning. i loved working in my field at a women’s shelter. i have always enjoyed challenging and pushing myself into new, unknown territories whether through education, travel or work. or all three combined. that part of my life has been placed on hold temporarily. my plan is to go back and finish my women’s studies degree. but after lion was born and i had my tumour removed, i felt it was time to take time away from school. i did pursue my studies when bear was a baby, and i do see myself returning, but not at this time. not just yet. but, soon.Â
when i was younger and fantasized about my life it had all the major players i have now. a husband, Â a couple of kids, a house, a car, but as a kid i never fantasized beyond the materialistic side of life. i didn’t know how and i suppose i was too immature to understand how important that emotional satisfaction is.Â
sometimes i do feel emotional unfulfilled and dissatisfied. being a SAHM is what i want to be doing, but it comes with it’s own set of cons. i am always repeating myself, wiping faces, wiping a lot of bums, i am always wiping counters, rinsing dishes, folding laundry, driving to somewhere, pushing swings, dumping sand out of shoes, reminding of manners, reminding the boys not hit each other, not to push each other, not to tattle, to think outside the box, and so and so. it’s very UNstimulating for my brain.
that sometimes leaves me feeling sad. overwhelmed. lonely. stupid. limited. unmotivated. isolated.
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| [ a random beach on the south shore of nova scotia. ] |
at the end of the day for me, my satisfaction comes from finding a balance between all of the aspects of my life. when i am in balance, i feel good and satisfied with my life.Â
i feel fulfilled.Â
when i step off the line and lose my balance, i feel bad about myself and that negativity is felt by my kids and dear hubby.
i strive for balance.
every day that is my goal.
My left knee has been hurting all day. I put my brace on for extra support, but i know i need more than that. I’ve had knee issues for a while, and they stem back to treeplanting over a decade ago. But, after two pregnancies, two births, carrying my kids, breastfeeding them and all that other stuff that mama’s do for their kids, my body is screaming for attention. And it’s LOUD! And yes, my knee pain is connected to breastfeeding, as all your muscles are somehow joined to each other, as are your nerves. I’ve been hunched over for so long, tightening my shoulders, by back, which has now travelled down to my knee. The knee pain is not new and comes and goes. A friend recommended that to treat the symptoms of my knee pain, I should consider a CBD vape. She then suggested I visit this website to find a vape pen that I could use often so I would have regular pain relief. When starting yoga because of the tightness of my entire body at this point, it was painful to get started. So some CBD could help change that. Now when I get to the Y and yoga regularly it feels better. One of my friends who suffers from knee pain has also recommended this knee compression brace from Amazon to me and I must admit, I’m tempted to give it a try.
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| [ bear (6.5 months) and i in finland, after we got my finnish citizenship in order. even though i was born there and my mama is a finn, i only held canadian citizenship until 2008. the law was such at the time of my birth, that the child took the father’s citizenship. i was so happy on this afternoon in september 2008 to finally be a finn! now, i can travel with my finnish EU-passport! ] |
i went to a highly recommended chiropractor in town, who basically told me that the left side of my body is more messed than my right, but who are we kidding, my whole spine area is a huge ball of messed up mess!
when bear was a baby i carried him in a sling, but was pretty good at switching sides. when lion was a baby, i only carried him on one side. sure, i used the ergo and eventually carried him on my back, but i’ve always been a sling mama, and now that my babies are no longer babies i am really feeling that pain and paying the price of all of that one sided carrying!
my chiro was so kind and reassured me that although my initial scans weren’t great, they weren’t horrific either, and that there is lots of potential to get my body to where it should be. she also sent me for x-rays, as a precaution, especially after my pituitary gland tumour history. her and i will discuss those images on friday.
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| [ the dudes and i at hillside, 2011 ] |
i feel like this year, i have slowly started to harness back some control of my body again. i lost it to my kids years ago and then my tumour, but now i am slowly finding ways to really nurture it again. i was going to the gym regularly in the winter and spring, but completely fell off the wagon in the summer. now, i am ready to get back into that routine as well.
my body is screaming for attention, and finally, i feel like i can give it what it needs.
finally!
how’s your self care?
yesterday we had a family party, with friends. there were fancy summer drinks made by papa-A and some tasty soda similar to this DRY Botanical Bubbly, the summer breeze, we ordered pizza from the local place down the street, the kids ran through this awesome sprinkler ball thing, and the laughs just kept on coming.
it was such a great evening and a perfect way to round out the last nights of summer. the big kids are starting school soon and it really is the beginning of something new, not just a new season with the leaves changing colour, but a new stage in all of our lives. a new stage in mothering, in growing up, and in finding new routines as a family.
so for now, i am soaking it all up, enjoying these last few days of freedom to their fullest with my big bear, my lion, my family and my friends.
we’re off to a school party this afternoon. a neighbourhood mama is hosting a party for some of the JK kids and their families to meet before school officially starts. i am excited to expand my community and my village.
how are you spending your long-weekend?
bear has started to express lots of interest in my computer lately. specifically, how to use it, how to type, but he loves to draw in paint! we’ve been doing art with the paint program for a few days now and he his picking up quickly how to use his finger to move the cursor, when to left click on things and he’s learning the letter placement on the key board at a shocking rate! it’s all a bit astounding to me, in fact. it appears as though he’ll be computer guy, just like his dad (and paternal grandparents) in a matter of years.Â
i bet he’ll be programming his own games before he’s 10 years old or younger.
here are a few sweet pics i took, before i had to rush off to make dinner. pinaattilettuja, may i add! the last one is a bear original!
today we are hitting this amazing music festival with some friends! cannot wait! awesome line up, gord downie of the hip, mix master mike, sarah harmer and feist, just to name a few. it’ll be a day of wonderful music, wicked dance moves and i’m sure, epic melt downs!
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| Â [ source ] |
funny really, dreaming about british royalty! i don’t even remember what happened in the dream, hopefully there was some nude frolicking and lots of laughter and joy! i’m guessing he appeared in my state of slumber, as he has really been all over the media after some nude photo’s of him were given to the press.
i say good on ya mate, as long as everyone is safe, there’s nothing wrong with some naked romping. and why does everyone care anyway…
moving onto my princes…
my youngest guy is really pushing my buttons lately. he has turned into a loud screaming toddler whose ears don’t work anymore. it is so frustrating! he screams for attention, whether from me, or his older brother or from his dad. he screams at dinner, at bedtime, at play time, during a diaper change, so always really. the only time he doesn’t scream is if he’s watching “kipper” on netflix. unfortunately, it feels like the behaviour is only getting worse each day, so i’m now counting down to september and the start of school. the walls of our house are caving in a bit for all of us, i think, and we need a change. some space. air.
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| [ i added the fancy blur to mask my scary red face and massive nostril.] |
the kids need to be separated, which i’m sad to say, but they need some time away from each other so that they will miss each other. they are always together, which on one hand i think is very lucky, but now, it is turning into a disaster. the boys fight when it’s just the two of them; they egg each other on, trying to get the other one into trouble. the tattling that goes on around here is ridiculous! and because lion is only two, his understanding, although on one hand is great, is still limited, Â frustrating bear even more.
i am despising the sound of my voice.
i say the same things a bazillion times a day. and i get louder as the day progresses.
we need a change.
a shift.
a picture of the art room window.
how do you deal with siblings at your house?
shall i be so lucky as to dream of more princess tonight, perhaps prince william?
