as inspired by souleMama; one photo from our week, no words, only an image to sum up our time as a family. one that captures a moment in time and is a visual reminder of where we were at this moment.  i would love it if you left a link to your this moment.Â
well, it’s that time of year again, when i am looking for donations for the brain tumour foundation of canada.
here is a picture of me and my survivors rose.
as you may know, i survived a non-malignant macro-adenoma on my pituitary gland. in most cases such a tumour is quickly removed if it is growing, as it may cause blindness if the tumour presses on the optic nerves. of course there are other complications, but these kinds of tumours are generally not cancerous, however, they do cause a lot of pain. after finding out my diagnosis, i was constantly depressed and anxious and nothing seemed to be going right. i came across some of these CBD oil UK brands and after consulting with my doctors, they said i could try them to help treat my drepression and anxiety. they lifted my mood and helped my continue living my life. they also helped me get some much needed sleep too. <
what made my situation complicated, was the fact that a few weeks after my tumour was diagnosed, i found out i was pregnant for the second time. it was an unplanned, surpise, but we were thrilled regardless. but, once the tumour was found i had to throw away my dreams of a home birth, as i was labelled high risk. so, my care was transferred from my midwives to an obstetrician at a fancy hospital about an hours away from our hometown. as my pregnancy progressed, it was determined that the tumour was growing (through regular MRI’s) and that i couldn’t even have a vaginal birth. i was told i had to have a c-section, but to make things worse, i had to be put under general anaesthesia, because the epidural could have ruptured my tumour and killed me instantly. man, hearing that really shook the earth under me.
the time leading to lion’s birth was all very upsetting, scary and stressful. i tried to mother bear, but i suffered from debilitating migraines daily and was taking very strong pills for pain management, which came with their own side effects. i was always exhausted, always in pain and always on edge. plus, i was forced to face my mortality at a very young age, which was difficult for everyone. /span>
then july 8th rolled around, and it was lion’s birth day. his birth was awful, and you can read more about that HERE. there were mistakes made that almost killed him and brought even more heartache and worry into our lives. then, four months after he was born, i had my tumour removed. it was actually the day before my mum’s birthday. they went up my nose and sucked it out, kind of. it was very painful after the surgery, but i was not given much recovery time as dear hubby had to work and i had to mother a baby and a toddler. i was desperately trying to hold it all together, by ignoring the stress that was my life. i carried on breastfeeding, cloth diapering, shuffling bear to play dates and preschool, while still getting regular check ups with various doctors.
but, even though life threw all of this stress at us, we survived. i survived.
i received wonderful care from my neurologist and her team, my family doctor has been a wonderful support and, my family and friends have been there threw all of it.
a year ago, three days before the event, i found out about the spring sprint, an annual fundraising event hosted by the brain tumour foundation of canada. they have walks/ runs through-out canada in the spring, in an effort to raise money and awareness for brain tumours.
brain tumours do not discriminate. they affect people of all ages, all sexes, all races, all classes, all walks of life. you may have heard that valerie harper recently announced that she has an incurable brain tumour. mark ruffalo, another hollywood star shares about his survival of a brain tumour here.
so, here it comes, please, please, please hear my plea and donate to this amazing foundation, to help support people dealing with these hidden beasts, these terrifying things called a brain tumours.
i am on a team this year, we are called MAMAS AGAINST TUMOURS! please follow this link and donate to our team.
here is a handful of brain tumour survivors in my small town from last years event. some still have tumours growing in their heads, others don’t. but, we are all together supporting one and other.
here’s a blurb and pics from last years event.
also, i will be sharing stories of other people who are or have been affected by brain tumours, in the next few weeks.
i am always aware of the birth order of my kids. who came first, who second, who has benefited more in this situation, or who has receive the short end of the stick, and who has reaped the benefits of their birth order. and, truthfully i would honestly have to answer, that both kids have felt the positives and negatives of their birth order. although, i do wish both my boys could experience similar things in life, i realize that that is not realistic or possible at all.
my naivete with bear as a baby was not any different from other new mama’s, but lion really benefited from being the second baby in our house. my confidence was noticeably different, my instincts were that much sharper and i gave myself more permission to let go. that was huge. HUGE! when bear was a baby and everything was new, i felt stupid and ill-equipped, i felt the competitive forces of motherhood and felt overwhelmed with everything that i didn’t know. i am sure my bear felt the consequences of that; he was and still continues to be my guinea pig in many things, which i neither good or bad, it just is what it is.
lion, has felt my insecurities yes, but i think he has benefited more from my increased confidence. with experience comes knowledge, but also the ability to tell people to buzz off with their opinions on your parenting methods.Â
this is where the burden of my mother’s guilt comes into play… did my own insecurities trickle down onto bear, creating anxiety in him? was it my doing or not doing that made it possible for his sensitive side to develop so strongly? i wonder these things, because lion’s temperament seems so different. yes, he is younger so it’s hard to really know who he really is yet, especially since he has not stepped into the world without me by his side. but lion has an aura of confidence, but maybe that’s because he has a big brother to keep up with.
is it about ensuring the kids have life experiences that match and are even? or is it about the kids having life experiences that fit who they are and what they want? sometimes it feels like it’s the first option, but my heart says they need to experience the world based on their needs and the families needs. being born first or second, third or fifteenth (depending on your family size) shouldn’t matter. as parents it is our responsibility to ensure our children feel loved and accepted, and provide them with opportunities that allow them to find out who they are.Â
what do you think?
how do you handle these feelings?
* Â * Â * Â * Â * Â * Â *and today is the last day for this…..
i am trying to be the best that i can be.
i have made some mistakes in my past, many bad mistakes in fact and i am trying to move past the guilt and shame. but, i am only human, and such growth takes time. everyone is capable and does make mistakes, as it is not in a humans nature to go through life with perfection. this is why things like Pardons Canada exist, or support groups for alcohol and drugs are made. it is an acknowledgement of mistakes.
being the best i can be is a place where i accept myself for who i am. accept my abilities and limitations all in the same breath. it is a place where my expectations of myself are based on realistic goals, rather than the ever so popular comparisons game; the one where i always come out as the loser.
being the best i can be is easier said than done.
i watch my boys being the best they can be, and admire their care free out look on life. it is truly remarkable. they create art, because they want to and because they feel like painting. their choice is paint colours and brush direction appears to be random, but who am i to judge their artistic process. it is what it is. it is them being the best that they are. they have not reached the age of “i can’ts”, although bear is on the cusp. being an adult and carrying so many restrictions in ones pockets is exhausting. who says you can’t do something ot aren’t good enough? so much of those limitations come from our own heads and the negative self-talk we have playing on repeat.
my pal lillian at it’s a dome life, blogged recently about the barriers people feel before starting a project or hobby or new career. she says “you will be terrible, but start anyway”, which i think is bang on advice. there is this ridiculous idea that we have to be perfect at everything that we do, from the get-go, that making mistakes makes us lesser-thans, which only leaves us with a why bother mentality. how completely terrible, right?
i am very skilled and cutting myself down. but, i am now learning to build myself up; to acknowledge the things i can do well, to admit where i need more effort and to ultimately be the best i can be.
that is all anyone else can expect of me.
but, more importantly, that is all i can expect of myself.
with spring looming on the horizon, but at a distance still, i am craving light, air, open windows and sips of lemonade. well, maybe not quite like that, but you get the idea. i am yearning warmth and bright and sun, and i figure the best way to include those in my life is through food.
so, i pinned my way through pinterest and found a handful of delectable lemon flavoured foods. there’s even a pizza included in the mix!Â
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last weekend we had a beautiful long weekend up at the cottage with good friends. there was heaps of snow, super cold temperatures dipping down to close to -30c at night and warming up to about -15c during the day, and a lack of running water! that meant we got to use an out house, which with those temps was kinda cold on the tushie! but, the kids were brave and did it; it was us adults who needed more encouragement! for drinking we bring big jugs of water from home and for dishes we melt snow, but because there is electricity it’s not as bad or difficult as some may think. and there is a beautiful fire for cozies and warmth!Â
it’s a super fun adventure!
we tobogganed for hours, went for a long walk up the road, the kids played all sorts of games, we ate tons of yummy food and us adults had a roaring good time after the kids went to sleep!
i took a gazillion pics, so instead of posting them all i made this wee movie.Â
ENJOY! CELEBRATE!
and, as usual we were the last family to leave and as usual we got stuck. this time, it wasn’t slippery conditions, but a dead car battery. but, CAA arrived quickly and we were on the road after lunch!
can’t wait to do it all again!
as inspired by souleMama; one photo from our week, no words, only an image to sum up our time as a family. one that captures a moment in time and is a visual reminder of where we were at this moment. Â
please, feel free to leave a link from your moment this week. i’d love to see what you’ve been up to!
this is a tough post to write, it feels much more personal than all of the ones i have shared here about mothering or even the ones about my brain tumour. i suppose, because my tumour and my mothering are really about me. my marriage is about me AND dear hubby.
so, here goes…
even as a little girl i knew i would be married one day. when i met dear hubby over ten years ago at treeplanting, up in the woods of northern ontario, i knew we would be married one day. there was something about him. something about the way that we clicked and felt real, instead of just right. for me, the biggest attraction was the fact that dear hubby never ever pretended to be someone he was not. and to this day, he doesn’t lie or exaggerate about who he is.
if you’ve been reading here regularly, you’ve become quite familiar with the various struggles that life has thrown our way in the past few years. our struggles aren’t worse than anyone elses, but they have been quite overwhelming and exhausting for us, as they placed tremendous pressure on our marriage. it is so easy to find excuses not to do something, especially when that something is emotionally demanding and not just something you can just run to the grocery store and pick up. i am sad to admit that our relationship has borne the brunt of our mutual neglect. it has been overshadowed by all the other things that appeared more pressing at the time. and to some degree, yes babies in incubators and tumours on pituitary glands do need immediate attention, but the truth is that we were too caught up in everything else to acknowledge what was happening to us. our marriage. and, to ourselves. i’ve heard horror stories of couples growing apart over such awful circumstances and they simply fall out of love and end up filing for a divorce. i get it. these circumstances are not the easiest to live through, let alone love through, but i noticed what was happening soon enough to do something about it.
now, as the kids are getting older and gaining incredible independence, it is easier to step away and focus on each other. we have come to a shocking realization that we have let our relationship go. we didn’t have the energy or the presence of mind to include our marriage on the to do list so, for a few years we just coasted; surviving through our family’s health crisis’ and other major stressors, by ignoring the very thing that had brought us together in the first place.
our love.
when dear hubby and i met we were young and foolish and cute and naive. now, we have lost some of the naivete, are not nearly as foolish or young for that matter. and the cute, well, it’s more wrinkly and jaded. that being said, the change in how we perceive the world, live in it and thrive in it, is not a bad thing. it’s time doing what time does. it moves. and we’re being moved along with it.
and today i am happy share that we are finding a new momentum. we are slowly working our way out of denial and starting to put real efforts into rebuilding some of the broken, weakened areas of our relationship. of course, couples therapy can be considered, and it’s something we have spoken about. but i feel like, for now, we are making some progress. together we are gaining understanding which areas need extra attention and why. it is so easy to blame the other person in a partnership for your own pain, but in reality it is up to you to hold yourself accountable for your own contributions, before any real change or growth can happen. and the thing that i have learned recently, it’s not about changing yourself or them. it’s about taking control and changing your own bad habits. whether it’s negative thought patterns, those nasty lines you repeat during each fight or the sarcastic stabs you mumble under your breath. We’re not at the point of needing to get in touch with lawyers in Jonesboro AR to discuss divorce yet (and I hope we never will be) but that doesn’t mean that we don’t sometimes let our differences come out in the open in a fiery way. For some of our friends, divorce has been the answer in relationships that have turned toxic and they felt it healthy to go their own separate ways, but we hope by discussing our differences and concerns that we can avoid this.
it’s a start, right?
dear hubby and i quietly celebrated our sixth wedding anniversary on the 17th of february at the cottage with friends and snow!
to share our love, here is probably the worst picture of us taken. the sun was so blinding, hence the bizarre distorted faces! love doesn’t always look that sexy! ha!
my son is very particular about his birthday cakes. he chooses and plans what he wants and then DH and i are in charge of making these wishes come into fruition. luckily for us, bear’s wishes are not outrageous or complicated. in fact, they’re adorably simple. for his third birthday he wanted a car cake. for his fourth birthday, he wanted a triangle cake.
and, this year for his 5th birthday he wanted a chirp cake, as in chirp the wee yellow bird from chirp magazine.
each month the magazine is complied together with a theme. one month it was BIRTHDAYS and there was a recipe for a chirp cake. bear saw it and immediately came running to me excitedly saying that that was the cake he wanted. we tweaked it a little; instead of donuts for eyes we used a puddle of icing and plopped blueberries for the pupils. we used dried pear slices for the beak. and the inside was yummy, egg free carrot cake. delish!!!
the kid was so happy, delighted and proud. he and lion actually worked hard with dear hubby with the mixing of all of those ingredients. i love that the kids are so eager to be involved!
as inspired by souleMama; one photo from our week, no words, only an image to sum up our time as a family. one that captures a moment in time and is a visual reminder of where we were at this moment.  feel free to leave a link from your moment this week.
