self-care, starting with small steps.

January 10, 2013 by mama lola

so, i’m trying to change some bad old habits and am trying to incorporate more ME time into each day. it’s hard tough. with the kids schedules of school drop offs, lunch, bum wipes and nap times and then school pick ups, meal prep, it really leaves shockingly small windows of time for me to do something for myself. i used to be able to do some things in the evenings after dear hubby got home, but now that bear is in school and our days start so early i find it harder to motivate myself to leave the house after dinner. maybe that will change once spring arrives and it’s not so dark so early.

but, i am making some progress. i am back to blogging regularly, which i really enjoy. i am spending small amounts of time out of the house, alone or with friends and i am working hard not to feel guilty about it. i know that sounds ridiculous, but i really do suffer from a serious case of mother’s guilt. i feel guilty about so many things. in fact, in a sick twist of irony i feel guilty for feeling guilty. sigh.

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i am learning to let go.
let go expectations. those ridiculously high expectations i have. of myself.
and, i am learning to be more realistic about what i can and should do.

i hit the gym after school drop off, and before lunch yesterday morning. it seems like it’s the optimal time to get that small task done for me. here’s hoping it becomes a new habit. it felt pretty good to do something for me, even though my stint at the Y was short and sweet. we’ll see what happens next week.

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i am moving onward and upward in this new year. away from the hard and destructive old habits, to healthier ones. new habits are still hard, but at least i’m moving towards something positive, instead of sitting in something stagnant.

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i love all of these quotations i found on pinterest.
i feel like i need some positive affirmations, some positive vibes thrown my way.
a friend recommended a book to read about mothering, and guilt, and all that fun stuff.

happy or content, which is better?

January 6, 2013 by mama lola

are you happy?

what exactly does that mean? people claim to be happy, but are they really? and, what actually constitutes as happy? what makes happy, happy?

i wrote in a previous post about the drudgery of my life. my dear hubby was a little miffed and confused by this critical description of my current phase in life. i explained that it wasn’t meant to be negative, but rather an observation of my life at this moment i7n time. he seemed to understand, but i don’t think he actually did. our lives are actually quite different; his and mine. he has this whole other part that does not involve me at all; another part that i can’t really even talk with him about because it’s about computers and tech things that i know nothing about; another part that includes a myriad of people i don’t know. his life outside our home is a bit of a mystery to me in many ways. not because he is secretive, but because it is beyond our family and the four walls of our home.

my life is not a mystery at all. dear hubby knows all the ins and outs of my life, the routines, the people we see and the places we go, because he participates in those activities. in fact there is nothing fascinating, stimulating or intellectually challenging about it. my life, my every day revolves around the needs of my family. my kids are top priority, as is my husband, then the house, the car and i guess i fit in after the car, but before the garden? not sure.

this shattering realization about myself hit me smack in the face several weeks ago. like really, SMACK, in the middle of my brow leaving a mark to remind of the lack of value i place on myself. and, because i place such little value on myself, others follow suit without even realizing and without meaning to be hurtful. how is it that my needs, however big or small, have been worthless enough to ignore for so long?

my life is pretty dull as it cycles through the daily, weekly routines meeting the needs of others. a few weeks ago someone close to me asked what i wanted to do in life, where i saw myself in 5 or 10 years. i sat there and was unable to come up with an answer. i have no goals, no aspirations, which is honestly quite unlike me. i have always been working towards something whether it’s been with schooling or saving money for a big purchase or whatever.

it’s as though i have given up on myself. my life. it’s as though i am here only as a vessel to help my children navigate through childhood into adulthood, and to support my partner in his goals and aspirations.

(augh, i write that and i am embarrassed and ashamed that i have allowed this to happen.)

it doesn’t even matter how i got to this place, but what does matter, is that first i find a path that will eventually take me to the road i want to be on in life. in MY life. i have to step away from my kids and dear hubby, and allow myself space to focus on my needs, so that i can start to feel whole again. so, that i will re-learn how to place value in myself. my worth cannot come from others, but must come from inside myself, for myself.

how did i not know this before? isn’t this the kind of thing oprah has been jabbering on about for years? how did i not hear it or understand it?

so, am i happy? i think, at this point in my i’m actually looking for long term, consistent contentment and satisfaction in my life, rather than happiness. because, as surprising or confusing as it may sound, i think i am actually already happy with my life. i am happy for everything that i have, the people, the things, the experiences, the adventures, the heartaches… i am happy with all of it as it is all a part of my journey.

my self worth obviously is not connected to my happiness.

my happiness obviously has come from external elements.

my happiness does not guarantee satisfaction with my life.

this mama has some self-care to get to right about now.
how you at tending to your needs?
are you happy?
how do you know you’re happy?

the new year brings with it some baggage, but in a good way.

January 2, 2013 by mama lola

~~a new year and a new project.~~
i’ve joined the fun at 365 project; come check out my profile HERE. I’ll be posting a photo a day as a kind of photo journal of our days in 2013. I know I already post lots of pics here, but I like the idea of choosing one picture to describe our day, like I do for this moment every friday.

* * * * * * *

a new year and new habits.
we have gorged ourselves with gingerbread cookies, various decadent bark flavours, other baked goods and lotsa food in general, and yesterday was the final day for pigging out. The kids have been eating way too many treats and the thought of all of that sugar on their pearly whites freaks me out. I am so done with all of that refined sugar moving through their wee bodies, making their behaviour erratic and wild, and mucking up other good habits.

Three cheers and health to us all. Less sugar, less white flour, less processed foods, regular dental checkups with our Dentist Vineland and back to the goodness of real, whole foods. my mouth is watering just thinking about the dinners we’ll enjoy again!

* * * * * * *

a new year and a time for calm.
After our chaotic fall and busy holiday season, I am eager to enjoy the calm and routine the new year will bring with it. Yes, the routines can be mundane, but the predictability of the routine will allow me to work on myself and my needs and reduce the anxieties tied up in my shoulders. I am hoping to learn new habits for old relationships.
I also need to place priority on myself more, so today I rescheduled my chiropractor’s appointment from next week to this evening, as I think I have a pinched nerve in my neck causing intense pain in my neck and shoulders. I know this doesn’t sound like a huge thing, but it’s a step and hopefully the baby steps will lead me to a healthy, strong, balanced destination. Anyone who has ever pinched a nerve will know how painful that is and how much you just want relief. Seeing my chiropractor is a positive thing, it shows that I want to take care of my health. If you are in the same position as me then get yourself that help, look up a chiropractor and Visit Website of one near you to see if they can help you too.

* * * * * * *

A new year and quality time with my dear hubby.
Yes, we instilled a regular date night over a year ago, but truth be told, we have spent many friday date nights running errands and only talking about the kids. I am hoping to spend more quality time with my partner, talking about us, life, goals and yes, the kids as well, but I don’t want them to dominate our time. I want to turn off the tv and play board games or card games, laughing together, as we enjoy each other’s company.
I am hoping to turn to our families more for help with the kids. I have nothing to prove and sending the kids away on overnight visits to grandparent’s houses is going to be the new thing for us. can you believe we’ve never done that?!

* * * * * * *

what does 2013 look like for you?
did you make any resolutions?

xo, mama lola

bye bye 2012, hello 2013!

December 31, 2012 by mama lola

our current year is about to come to a close, inspiring me to do a quick wrap up of the year… and, what a year it has been! we’ve enjoyed some super high highs and shockingly low lows, all which have been rounded out by lots of middle of the road, mundane kinda days.

my life as a mum is typically filled with a dull drudgery, based in routine and a constant dialogue of reminding the kids to eat their meals, wash their hands, put their long john’s on, tidy up, say thank-you and so on and so on. with bear in school, the routine on those days starts early, before the sun has even risen and i am usually alone with the boys on these dark, cold mornings. i am often amazed we survive as well as we do on most days.

and let me quickly clarify that the drudgery is not a bad thing. it’s just a thing. it’s life. our life at this time. most people live a kind of dull routine, one that is mundane and that is only highlighted by joys.

and, we certainly have experienced lots of different joys this year. the one big one being, getting the all clear from my endochronologist and neurologist to have more kids if that’s what we want to do. having had several clean MRI’s and bloodwork results since my tumour was removed in november 2010, has been such a huge relief. a joy in fact. and not just for me, but for my sweet dear hubby, my parents, friends and family.
phew!

and although mothering has brought with it drudgery, it has also brought me lots of joy. and, not just at the obvious times, like birthdays or other important milestones. but, sometimes during the mundane routines of teeth brushing one of the boys will smile sweetly, caress my arm and tell me they love me. that is pretty lovely and joyful. or, they will learn a song and beam with pride when they sing it for us. that fills my heart with joy. or, they will draw a picture and hang it on the fridge themselves dancing with satisfaction when i comment on the art. this too, fills me with joy. we have shared many happy, exciting times as a foursome this past year and i feel very fortunate for that.

2012 also brought with it hard, sad times, which have necessary to endure in order to really recognize and enjoy the happy times. even though, the the tough times have been heartbreaking, they have brought with them a momentum for change. i find the struggles in life are also the catalysts for real change. i am now entering a new year, with a clarity that i have never held before for what i want and need in my life, in order to succeed as a person. a whole person. not just a mother, or a wife or a woman, or a daughter or a friend.

there has been one constant in the ups and downs of my life, and that is my dear hubby. he has stood by me, sometimes clueless as to what to do or say, but he has been by my side regardless. our marriage has been tested and pushed to new limits this year, but our love and optimism for each other and our relationship will bring us even closer in this coming year. i love my husband deeply and feel very lucky to have found him years ago in the woods of northern ontario. his calm balances my excitement and his cool balances my heat. our differences and similarities are a surprising match.

for 2013 becoming whole is my resolution. to learn to fulfill myself in many different ways, especially by incorporating new outlets for creativity, education and physicality. i need to really learn how and when to set boundaries, learn to say no and learn to ask for support. i also need to stop feeling guilty about the most insignificant things and forgive myself for the mistakes i have made.
this year is coming to a close and i feel like i am also closing a chapter in my life. this new year’s eve feels like the starting point for a new chapter in my life, a fresh page or blank canvas, and it is up to me choose the where to begin.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!
SEE YOU IN 2013!

xo, mama lola

my birthday.

December 28, 2012 by mama lola

tomorrow is my birthday.
i’ll be 34 years old.
i love my birthday and this year i’m noticeably unconcerned about my new, slightly older age. being in my thirties has always kinda freaked me out a bit, and as i have crept towards the middle of this third decade of life, i have become more scared. scared of what, you may wonder, and i’m not sure exactly. probably just of getting older and old, and the changes that that evolution brings with it.

this year, after my fall from hell, turning a year older seems easy. there’s no stress or worry about my new age, as the experiences of the previous weeks really brought me some much needed perspective. now it’s clear to me what matters, what doesn’t. who matters, who doesn’t. and where i fit into all of that. i have greater understanding about my needs; what i need from myself and others, and i am slowly learning how to have those needs met. i assumed that after my tumour shit and lion’s birth, i somehow was staring a new chapter, because that’s what i wanted and kept telling everyone. but, i was missing a huge piece of that… i wasn’t actually doing anything to facilitate change. well, now the ball of change is in motion and although the momentum is slow, i do feel it’s strength.
it’s gonna be a BIG year of change.

i hope that this new year of mine is mine.
i need to learn to say no, to not care about what others say or think of me and i need to set some strong boundaries around me. not walls, because i want to be involved with people, but i need to learn not to take on everyone else’s problems as a way of ignoring my own. i need to learn to value myself, my skills and who i am. i deserve time, space and love, just like everyone else. this is going to be tough, but it’s time to do this.
my time.

happy birthday to me and to all the other capricorns out there born on the 28th!
(denzel washington being one of them!)

xo, mama lola

it’s been a stormy fall.

December 26, 2012 by mama lola

this fall, my family and i were caught in a personal crisis of sorts.

i found myself holding a large bowl of lemons at the beginning of november, and instead of pulling out my juicer to make lemonade, i instead chose to ride the sour wave that left me feeling raw, emotional and sad. i won’t get into the details of what happened to trigger these big emotions, as i need to hold onto some privacy here, but i am willing to share my feelings around this difficult time.

this fall i was forced to do some serious self-analysis, look at myself and really recognize the qualities that make me, me. there are some good things that i saw, but i focused more on the complicated, bad stuff. the things that are embarrassing, deeply shameful and difficult to even say out loud. but, that’s what i did. i verbally repeated my flaws to people who would listen, discussing their significance and power over my life; i took responsibility for my bad decisions admitting to everyone that although i have hidden behind a facade of happiness, there is great pain and regret in my heart and life, all which came exploding out like a pressure cooker.

during this time of crisis, my emotions were heightened with a rawness that is impossible to explain. i was unable to eat, sleep or stop pacing like a caged tiger. i had difficulty focusing on simple activities, like reading or grocery shopping. i was single parenting for a large chunk of this time, which made me feel the tremendous weight of guilt on my trembling, exhausted shoulders.

but, fortunately for me, there were people in my life who stepped in to support and help me. although many of my dearest people live in other communities, they did offer hours and hours of emotional support through the ol’ telephone. they listened while i sobbed uncontrollably, which is all i needed or wanted. others came to my help at home, without even being asked, coming over to help with the kids or just being with me as i rode these powerful waves of emotion.

now, the storm has passed and the waves are calming down. my personal growth has only begun and is now spilling over into my marriage, but in a good way! i took those lemons and threw them away, opting to start a new chapter rather than holding onto those upsets and negative feelings, that will only sour anything fresh or new coming my way.

* * * * * * *
i have missed blogging and i thought i could return before christmas, but i instead chose to focus my time and energy on my lovely guys, lion, bear and dear hubby. we had a lovely christmas with our families and are now spending lots of time together before dear hubby returns to work in the new year.

i am hoping this entry is my return to this cyper space and fun place. i thought before i start with any recipe or photo montage i should preface my absence with some explanation, even if it is a bit vague.

* * * * * * *

peace.
xo, mama lola

quiet.

November 26, 2012 by mama lola

a quick hello.

it has been a very difficult november for me.
a time for deep thinking, chatting with family and friends and getting to know myself. again. very quiet on some levels. chaotic on other.

i miss this space, and i think about writing here daily, but for now, i have to leave things be. i will return when the quiet ceases and the fun returns. when my world is full of love and laughter. thank you all for the lovely comments and emails of support. it means the world to me.

see you soon,
xo, mama lola

(p.s. i do have some holiday ideas and projects on the go that will share. eventually.)

bullying: it happened to me.

October 14, 2012 by mama lola

* october is national anti-bullying month. *

this is a subject that dear hubby and i visit often now that we are parents. it’s in the news these days as a young girl in BC committed suicide recently, it’s on the agenda at the parent council meeting at bear’s school and it sits in the back of my mind as memories from my youth haunting me at times.

when i was a kid, we called it teasing.
when i was growing up in finland, i was never targeted, but at the age of 11 my parents and i moved to australia. my dad was working on a big project there and so we followed him down under. i was raised in a bilingual family, my mom has always spoken finnish, my dad english. but, i didn’t really know how to read or write in english when growing up in finland, but i my verbal skills were excellent. in australia, i was in grade six and i was such an outsider and targeted pretty heavily by my peers. the kids had no clue about finland and asked if we had lived in an igloo or had a tv. i spoke with an accent, had no idea that gumboots were rubber boots and was unaware of the cool way to roll my socks. the other kids laughed and taunted me for not knowing various swear words or sexual terms. i would go home in tears and eventually told my parents who went to the school. but, nothing really helped. then, in grade seven i switched schools and made a handful of good friends and the rest of my time on australia was a positive experience.

but then, we moved again. not back to finland, but to canada. so, again due to cultural differences i was targeted and bullied. this time, the kids were meaner and more aggressive, probably because we were older. one boy would even hit me in the head, all the time saying, “hey, you wanna cuff?” this time, i didn’t tell anyone, because i was older and way more insecure about everything (weren’t we all at 12/13 years). my body was changing; i was growing at a shocking rate going from the smallest kid in class to one of the tallest girls in a matter of a year! i was teased for the shoes i wore, for not wearing a bra and then one day for wearing a bra, for calling an eraser a rubber, which in canada is a condom!

it was hard. really hard. i made some good friends, but they were targeted as well for being smart, or for wearing their hair the wrong way or whatever. my self worth and esteem were low and once i hit high-school, i was on the fast train going downhill, fast and furious! i went from cute to not-so-cute! my look and attitude changed from smiles to angst, presented through ripped jeans, loud music and frightening behaviour, which i’m not going to get into here!

i was scarred quite deeply from the years of teasing, taunting and bullying. i carry those scars today and although i like to think i have grown into a confident adult, when i hear about the kids today being bullied, my past comes rushing back to me. all the self loathing and feelings of loneliness come back to me in an instant, because my pain was very real.

dear hubby doesn’t get it as he was never teased, which i think is pure luck, because kids around him, his friends were bullied. but I knew if he ever did feel the way I felt and like the many others around him, he could easily seek help and get some guidance from sites like https://www.knowledgeformen.com/i-hate-my-life/. I think perhaps I might do the same in the future so I can better manage this feeling of pain and self-loathing that keeps cropping back up.

here’s a quick look at my awkward years. yikes!

i survived, i think, because the cyber-internet-facebook-world didn’t exist back when i was a kid, so i got a break from the attacks. i went to ballet and those friends had no idea about what was happening at school. unfortunately, it is so different for kids today as they do not have that luxury of compartmentalizing their lives as easily, if you’re not too sure about cyberbullying in today’s world, you can head on over to pages such as broadbandsearch cyber bullying offering facts and statistics on cyberbullying in 2019. thanks to the internet their worlds come colliding together, whether they want it or not and the bullying in incessant. the internet also provides the attackers with a veil of anonymity and once something is out there is cyber space, it stays there! October is National Cybersecurity Awareness Month. It is to help raise awareness of cyber security and online attacks.

my eldest, my sweet bear has some of his own ideas about fashion as a four-and-a-half year old. he loves sparkly things and his rubber boots have pink hearts all over them. most would label his boots as being meant for girls and one day someone is going to say something cruel to him about them. his previous boots had flowers on them and some big kid at the library made a point about them. dude also has loves his red pants, his tights; he tells me his favourite colours are pink and yellow, which shouldn’t matter, but again, someone is going to tell him that boys should not like pink.

i am so scared for him. i don’t want his naivete and wonder to be shattered by some bully telling him he’s not wearing the right clothes.
oh, boy.

health update!

October 13, 2012 by mama lola

i am often sharing about the various health issues that we are struggling with and i thought i would give a brief update on things.

let’s start with bear’s eczema.
well, it’s gone and has been for months. we had some blood work done last winter though our naturopath and discovered that he is allergic to eggs. so, we stopped eating them. we also cut out peas, barley (for the most part) and red kidney beans, which are also some of his triggers. both kids now take a probiotic daily, and bear takes cod liver oil as well. taking these helps his belly digest and absorb the things he needs more efficiently.

we are all so happy with the care our naturopath provides. we do not have to depend on hydrocortizone creams at all anymore, which is a huge relief. those creams are great, but only for short term use! bear himself is proud of his body for working so hard to get rid of the awful rash; i am so relived that he his back to his old, beautiful self and not screaming and crying from the itching pain.

and, as for me… i mentioned seeing a chiropractor a few weeks ago and i’ve been seeing her regularly for a several weeks now. my body is feeling much better, especially my neck, which we discovered to my horror has signs of whiplash. no wonder it’s been stiff and hurting for a long time! my friends are still adament that i should have contacted a whiplash accident lawyer after the accident. sometimes i wish i had, because this is not the most comfortable thing to live with and it should never have happened to me. but anyway, as i know that there is treatment for whiplash, my mind has been put at ease a little. hopefully, it won’t be too long until i start to feel 100% again.

To be honest with you, I’m surprised that my pain was from signs of whiplash, as I can’t remember doing anything that resulted in the sudden movement of my head. Even though the pain hasn’t been pleasant, I’m just glad that it is nothing more serious, as you always expect the worst in these types of situations. My chiropractor did say that it wouldn’t hurt to visit a physiotherapist, and my friend said those at CK Physio made so much difference to her pain when she had whiplash. I’m going to try some of the treatments for whiplash first and see if they work, but it’s good to know that there are other options that you can try. I know a lot of people recommend natural pain relief techniques, such as acupuncture or yoga, and herbal remedies like essential oils or CBD oil. It’s definitely worth investigating!

dear hubby is the healthiest guy i know! he suffers from terrible environmental allergies in the spring time and walks around with an epi for his walnut allergy, but this guys never gets sick. well, maybe he gets one cold a year, but he never even gets a headache! his constitution is amazing!

. . . . . . .

and here’s a quick update on our door. i painted it last weekend and it looks a million time better. what do you think?
i hate the colour purple or anything that resembles that colour. i’ve been wanting to paint over the ugly aubergine colour since we bought the house, but never got around to it, until last saturday! it still needs the kick plate attached.
next on the list, to paint the bathroom door.

hope you and your family are feeling healthy.
healthy enough to get to some projects around the house?
a healthy mind and body are not to be taken for granted!

happy saturday!

a hoop-la life.

October 11, 2012 by mama lola

well, i’m in love.
she’s got a sparkle to her like no one else i know and blazing streaks of colour that just make you want to move.
let me introduce my new hoop. her name is razzy (i think). we are, as some may say, attached at the hip.

this is the trick i am working on. simple enough. i have exactly a week to master it.

i’ll also be practising this one…

it’s a start. the only way i will succeed is if i set goals, realistic goals that is. i’ve joined the local hooping group and will hopefully meet up weekly to share in the hoop-la-life fun!